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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: talking out loud
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This vulnerability thing has me thinking. I think it’s harder for some than others. I have no problem telling my husband what I’m thinking – the big stuff, not necessarily everything. Do you have to trust with vulnerability? If you are vulnerable and let go of the outcome this is a risk, but it’s one I’m taking. I mean really, I have nothing to lose at this point so why not if this is what I want in a marriage.

Trust – I’ve checked 1000 times and everything was above board. It took about two years. I’m guessing I don’t know everything but I’m confident he’s being faithful and wants to be a good man.

So then I try to figure out what is really bothering me. Resentment. A whole bunch of it.. and I do realize these are my mountains to climb but they are oh so tall – he didn’t confess in either affair, he has never offered me compassion for being raped but more of a “how could you put yourself in that position?” thing and “I have to forgive you for not suing him” thing, among others. I guess it feels good to narrow this down. I’m not sure how to let these go. But I’m only holding myself back from my own happiness.

This weekend we helped our 25 year old daughter move. I was so sad driving home. If we divorced she wouldn’t call me to help her move, she’d call the muscle. There would be separate holidays and grandparenting and wedding attending. It’s this kind of crap that makes me feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation and the only thing I can win with is my attitude change. An “I forgive you for everything” so we can move on, which is exactly the same attitude I’d have to have if I left as well.


Can you forgive someone but hate their effing guts for putting you in a nearly impossible position?

I didn’t think so….


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An “I forgive you for everything” so we can move on, which is exactly the same attitude I’d have to have if I left as well.

Want me to hold the rug up while you sweep?

Come on Rach, you know better.

There is no card you can play that will make everything ok.

You need to climb those mountains.You don't need to climb them all at once.

You tackle them one at a time, in 1-2 mile trips at a time.

Some days you slide back and lose your ground. You regroup and start again.

You have been sounding positive lately Rachel, is it time to regroup or are your feelings true and not just a swing for right now?

Do you believe your husband has no compassion for your attack or do you think he hasn't yet learned how to deal with it?

He didn't confess to the A's, but that will never change. Is this a deal-breaker?

If you decide you need something different than what he can offer you your life will be different, but it will be what you want and you can make it your own, and you can make it happy.

One struggle at a time. Breathe and try to make decisions based on what makes you happy inside. We live with much more life than we do holidays...kwim?

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:13 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awww Karma, you're right! I have climbed some mountains already now that I look at it. Big ones too!

I guess it's time to regroup. But narrowing down some things and knowing what I need to work on is good.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rachelc)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 4

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