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User Topic: should I report them?
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Shutup  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's getting around that my sister is pregnant, due fairly soon.

The father is our first cousin.

The state that they are in, sex with your first cousin is illegal.

Apparently his teen DD goes to the same school as my niece (bro's DD) and is pretty open that her dad's GF is his cousin. Embarrassment for niece as this is her aunt, KWIM?

So, it could be portrayed as common knowledge.

My dad is highly upset. He feels obligated to keep sis in the will, but only for the money (like she cares about sentimental items). He will not acknowledge the child. This is a man who counts his stepkids as family and still keeps the door open for my half-bro who told him "You need to get over (Stepmom's) death. It's been 6months. I got over (dog's death) in less time than that."

Ok to the topic at hand...my brother is upset by this news too. Sis is over 40yo, so between that and the cousin factor, the baby is at increased risk for issues. Even though cousin babies aren't as risky as we tend to think, the research I read says it doubles the risks.

Sis has also been verbally abusive to my bro's girls and my kids. Keep in mind we've only visited 5 times since 2000, so it's not like there's lots of daily interaction. Her (X?)BH told me he didn't have kids with her precisely because he knew she would be a bad mom. This is the man who gave her anything she asked for.

Additionally, they're living in a small rental with my mom (probable BPD) and his three young adult/teen kids. Mom was pretty abusive to me as a child, as well as some of my siblings...she kind of picked and chose. A smorgasbord of who to neglect, who to verbally berate and so on. Her house is always filthy...kitty little never changed so the cats go EVERYWHERE filthy. Dishes stacked with cockroaches running through them. That kind of house. Sis is the opposite...or was. The few pics I've seen she's let herself go and looks sloppy, so unlike her. So the house could be any range of disgusting to "step on my carpet in anything but your socks and I'll beat you".

Is it petty to call CPS or somehow turn them in to the authorities? Just the conception of the child is against the law in their state, though I doubt it's ever enforced. As much as the thought of her having a baby by our cousin sickens me, I worry it will be mistreated, especially as it grows.

Bro has thought about reporting them too. I'm waffling. MrH said I'm being petty. That I'm jealous because mom acknowledges them as her kids/grandkids but not me or my kids. I've searched my heart and know that's not it. He says that I wanted a baby and lost it and now I hear of her having one. Truth is, even if this was a baby with her (X?)BH, I would worry about it.

What do you all think?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the camp that it's icky, being that they are first cousins...

But I am not sure why you feel the need to step in?

I would stay out of it. If, when the baby comes there is a legitimate reason to get assistance for the child then I would say you have to step in...but the baby isn't even here yet.

And when the baby does come, he or she is an innocent. I would find it tough to not love any baby that I came in contact with....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what you should do, but I know your post breaks my heart in five different ways. I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this. ((((Holly))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25343 | Registered: Aug 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably a dumb question. ... it used to be said it was dangerous for first cousins to have children. .... is that true or an old wives tale?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know Karma. That's why I'm holding to the course of staying out of it right now.

I know a small part of me is frustrated that she had ALWAYS done whatever she wanted and nothing ever happened to her. Where I tried to be good and get rejected by mom, my husband and so on.

She's likely NPD and makes sure it ALL goes her way and part of me wants to be sure this doesn't.

Then a bigger part does feel sorry for a baby that will be born into this family. Seriously, when Bro and I are the well-adjusted ones...scary.

I think about the poor kid at school when other kids find out his/her parents are cousins and I feel sorry for the teasing that will happen. And angry at these people for doing this, being so selfish.

ETA- we cross posted. Apparently it's not as risky as previously thought but it still doubles the risk. So say the average pregnancy has a 2-4% risk of problems, this will have a 4-8%. Compounded by her being in her 40's.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 4:20 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't sound like you and your sister are close enough for you to assess any risk or help out in any way. It might be better to go NC and tell friends and family you wish her well but do not want to discuss her or listen to any gossip.

Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
TrustNoOne
♀ Member
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your family is toxic - you must step away, do the work to detach, and let go or get dragged.

Be kind to yourself. Let go.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the camp of just cutting all contact and stepping away from the crazy. FWIW, I suspect the law in this case would be similar to states where the topic of this board is illegalrarely, if ever, enforced.

You won't be helping the child if it were enforced, they wouldn't make her abort. If anything, you might set in motion a storm that could keep the child from getting resources if necessary.

I know you're religious, hon, so leave them to God.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also in the "let them be" camp. You have your own life to worry about... you can't be responsible for them one way or another as well.

used to be said it was dangerous for first cousins to have children. .... is that true or an old wives tale?

It's my understanding that the closer people are in their genetic makeup, the more likely it is for a child to display either dominant or recessive hereditary disorders or chromosomal abnormalities. For example, if siblings or parent/child were to procreate (heaven forbid) their child would be exponentially more likely to inherit disorders like Marfan Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis... things like that if it runs in the family line at all.

When we're talking about first cousin, I think the likelihood decreases dramatically. By second cousins it's supposed to be the same as pairing with an unrelated partner.

Back to your role in this - I say step out of it. It's not your burden to bear. Support your father as best you can, and pray for the child if you feel called to do so.

(((Holly-Isis)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17328 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd only report to CPS if you feel the child is in danger. I've never heard of cousins being prosecuted although it's illegal in all states.

Now as a physician I would want to know as the child's pediatrician that the child is from consanguineous parents. An OBVIOUS defect may only increase twice as much but other recessive genes can be compounded. An anonymous tip to the baby doctor is in order as the ick factor is so high I bet they won't tell the MD.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2190 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm convinced that the child will be in danger the minute sis doesn't get immediate compliance. Toddlerhood at the latest. My mom was like her and apparently blamed me for not breast feeding and kicking in utero more than sis did.

sis expects the same kind of compliance and the child is blamed when it acts like...a child. Like an occasion where DD changed her mind about what kind of jelly she wanted and sis went off on her. Totally red in the face screaming, nearly nose to nose. DD was 4yo.

All that said, I know in my gut there's nothing to be done. I just wanted them on the radar, KWIM?

PJ- I doubt they have told their physician. Apparently the pregnancy is supposed to be a secret but mom is a "proud grandma" and keeps "slipping" and telling people.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she hasn't gotten prenatal care? That in and of itself is reason for CPS involvement. Wherever she delivers (IF a hospital, I hope!!) will know this and will report.

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Sep 2006
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would report the filth. That's bad for kids and thus you have a moral obligation to do something about it.

I would stay out of the cousin situation. Not your business. It's not like the state is going to do anything -- usually the laws are about cousin-marriage. Neither parent is a minor, yes? So I doubt that CPS can do anything, or would get involved for that reason.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but that just made me sick! I don't understand people like that and think that it is okay much less have a baby.

And if your sister is going to be an abusive parent (Lord I pray not) that God takes the baby back home and not let this child be born to her. I'm sorry but I don't deal with people just having babies to have them and then to be abusive...

Some woman should not be allowed to have children.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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