It would be a huge problem for me until I knew that info. Now way could I heal with him knowing that much about them and me not.
Has he willingly dropped all his party friends? He looses them too. Consequence of his actions.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
And if he can't? Then tell him he's going to have to go through with the polygraph...due to the TT...and the unbelievable bullshit that he doesn't know their names...and one of the questions will be, "Do you know the names of the women you have cheated with."
Hmmm. If you don't know their names...then they could be friends..relatives..a "new" friend he just met and wants you to be friends with too..a neighbor..a coworker..really..they could be anyone. How can you possibly feel safe without knowing the names of your enemies? You can't.
He knows. And he is either protecting himself..or the OW...or he is still having an affair with one of them..and he's protecting the affair. And he slept with OW1 at last twice? Yeah..he knows her name.
He may never get it. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with this disrespect on top of the cheating. He is wanting you to believe the unbelievable.
[This message edited by confused615 at 4:57 PM, March 31st (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He's being selfish, protecting himself and them to your detriment.
xOw1 was a "friend" of mine. I knew who to look for when I was in a store or driving down the road. I was on alert, but I was relatively emotionally safe.
xOw2 was a coworker and it took some time to find a picture. MrH refused to even tell me her hair color or height. Just that she was "like you Holly" in not wearing much makeup. She doesn't even live nearby... at least an hour's drive away.
When we were near her town, I was the same as how you described. Every woman was potentially the OW. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself, "Leave the selfish bastard if he can't at least protect your heart."
That's what I'm telling you now. Look at how far apart my d-days are. You can't R with someone who won't give you the information you need. Who will hide this info from you. You'll always be looking for "her" or wondering if this is the tip of the iceberg. Nope, he needs to answer you and be there for YOU.
Funny though. He had sex with OW1 twice...several months apart. So he wasn't so drunk the first time that he didn't remember her when he saw her the second time.
He knows their names. At the very least, he knows OW1's name.
Maybe if your husband wrote out a timeline with as many party details as he can remember, it would help jar his memory? I obviously can't know whether or not he is hiding things from you, but it does seem like he might be able to recall some first names, especially with OW1. Alcohol really can screw with memory though, and if he was drinking pretty consistently back then, there's really no telling what he remembers and what he doesn't. At the very least, a timeline might help point out any inconsistencies in his story.
In my husband's case---one of the three women he had sex with was a ONS on a work trip with a girl he met on an affair site. He'd chatted with her and exchanged emails for probably a few months at least (I guess she also sent him erotica) before they had sex. I don't know if it's because his long term affair and sex with my friend were just so much more devastating to me, that I just couldn't muster up enough interest to care about this one as much? I don't know her name, haven't seen a photo, know next to nothing about her. But she also lives a good 7 hours away so I don't live in fear of running into her, like you do. I suppose my feelings could very well change if I accompany my husband on an upcoming work trip. I've done plenty of digging in the past...but it was all related to other women he met beyond the three he had sex with. I think uncertainty is the main reason. I'm pretty certain that things happened as he explained them with his ONS, whereas for many months I questioned that he hadn't had sex with these other women.
I'm sorry this is so difficult. Personally, I'm at a point now where I think my own digging is more damaging to ME than striving for acceptance. I would get caught in an obsessive downward spiral that was scary and made me feel out of control. There might well be details my husband forgot to tell me, and if they bother me enough, I ask. But those details aren't going to change the fact that he cheated on me and our family, for a very long time, or the emotional abuse he inflicted while he was cheating. The thing is--it's easier to get to a place of acceptance when you feel like your spouse is being upfront (most of the time, bc in cheating situations it's pretty impossible not to question things sometimes) and trying to help you heal to the best of their ability, and it doesn't sound like your husband is there yet.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
[SadinNC] this if my fear. I'm afraid I will have this "paranoia" foever, even if I'm single. .