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User Topic: I can't get this off my mind
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would have WH broke it off with the whore if I hadn't caught him? He went NC immediately but if that hadn't happened, the thought of losing what he had, would he still be having "fun" with her? It just nags at me after all this time.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No he wouldn't have broken it off if he hadn't got caught.

That's what infuriates me about cheaters. As soon as they get caught they are crying, remorseful, promising to stop. When just moments before getting caught, they had no intentions or plans to quit, and were continuing on with no regard or concern for their partner's feelings


Posts: 440 | Registered: Feb 2014
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This still bothers me, too. H can't understand why I don't believe that the three As I know about are the only ones. It's hard, when I only know about them because I discovered them, and insisted on NC. There could be more that I never found out about.

(Edited for clarity)

[This message edited by brokendancer7 at 9:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
SoVeryTired5
♀ Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a very difficult time with this as well. My WH avoids conflict above all else. He is working now to improve that, but that is the main reason that I believe he never would have ended the A. He would have been too afraid to end it, even if he had wanted to end it. He would have been scared that the MOW would have outed the A to me out of anger over ending it. *She* could have been the one to end it. He would never have been the one. And. That. Kills. Me.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says he tried to end things several times because she was such a bitch to him at times and then she would call or text as if nothing happened. I believe the part about her being a bitch and then playing nice because she was my friend but who knows if he tried to end things.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH says he probably wouldn't have stopped. AP made all the arrangements and even paid for everything, so it was just too easy. He said even before I found out it was losing its allure, but the easy thing kept it going. He was very lazy back then.

ETA: He also said however, that it never would have progressed to anything else either. If she ever would have pushed for any sort of real relationship, he would have been out of there. So, although he didn't have a plan to stop he also knew that he did not want any sort of "future" with that person

[This message edited by heforgotme at 9:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a very difficult time with this as well. My WH avoids conflict above all else. He is working now to improve that, but that is the main reason that I believe he never would have ended the A. He would have been too afraid to end it, even if he had wanted to end it. He would have been scared that the OW would have outed the A to me out of anger over ending it. *She* could have been the one to end it. He would never have been the one. And. That. Kills. Me.

@Soverytired....Please stop reading my mind. This is exactly my situation. My H would have been happy if his AP would have found another man and ended it and I would have never been confronted. In his delusional state, he felt that even if I suspected it and had proof of the A, it was not real until I was contacted.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When just moments before getting caught, they had no intentions or plans to quit

That was my experience. It's a different beast catching them vs. them ending it in my opinion - both are horrible, just brings out a million different questions. One of them will always be if I didn't catch my spouse, would they still be cheating on me? Sadly for me the answer is probably yes.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught two. I was given the "you needed to give me a chance to end it on my own." Not sure how or when it would have ended, if at all, had I not caught on. That or, he wanted to get caught.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5255 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yyyyep. "What if" may always kill me.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say the "what ifs" still catch me sometimes.I try to bring myself back into the present and say "OK, but that didn't happen". For me, the problem isn't whether it would have continued (he had several affairs), it is whether he would have fallen hard enough to leave me for his LTA. His LTA that started before we were married still causes "What ifs". I think it comes from a loss of power and control, he took the choice away from me. I didn't realize he was trying out other options. He says it wasn't about that and he was -never- going to leave me for her, but shit happens and that little "what if" can still pop up and nag the crap out of me. His LTA ended before I found out, but it still could have turned out differently.

I'm 5 days out from 5 years so I'm really thinking about it right now. Most of the time I never think about it. I think it must have something to do with 5 years. Last year I didn't even remember until weeks after the d-day anniversary.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 534 | Registered: Apr 2009
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine wouldnt have broken it off, he'd still be screwing around. He did try to leave me for ap#1, but she dumped him, so he moved on to ap#2. This is the one he was caught with. IDK, four years out and i'm starting to think i may be wasting my time again. Things are just too different and thoughts like this still torment me at times. How much value is there in someone who does this to me? Sorry for the vent, just the way i'm beginning to feel.

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think cheaters are probably some of the most selfish people on the planet. It takes an incredibly selfish person - putting their needs in front of every else's - to carry on an affair.

That having been said, I believe most cheaters would have merrily continued along in their affairs had they not been caught. In the absence of a D-Day, I also believe most cheaters would only end their affairs if they no longer felt that the "bang" was worth their buck. In other words, they might end it voluntarily if it got to the point where the reward no longer outweighed the risk for them.

Never forget - it's all about the cheater and what THEY stand to lose or gain. Until they're reigned in by a D-Day, they pretty much let their selfish natures call the shots.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13

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