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but this is what I texted him yesterday in my absolute feeling low/depressed/angry.

I so suck at this 180 thing...

help... I just need to stop torturing myself and realize he DOESN'T CARRRREEEEEE...

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I dont even know why we continue to go back down the same road. You betrayed me and I can't look back. Right before you left home in Feb and you told me you were STILL talking to her in any capacity other than coworkers, I just stopped being able to fight for this marriage and took a good long look at you for who you really are...(not who I wish you could be)

When I say that "if you had the same level of feeling/love for me, you'd be here working on things with me." I mean it...

But -make no mistake- if you ever came back I would NOT take you back.

You have established yourself as a cheat, a liar, a person who lacks integrity and honesty, who avoids facing things and avoids feeling things, a person who runs from things.

I deserve and WILL HAVE better. I've already had several friends RACING to set me up with men they know...I am so far from ready or healthy enough for that right now, but I will be eventually and I WILL BE in a loving, healthy, wonderful relationship with someone who is absolutely the opposite of all of those things I have listed about you.

I have lots and lots of faults- working on those now with my counsellor. I also have more integrity, commitment, loyalty, and honesty in my baby finger than you or that PATHETIC woman of yours does. Cheaters and liars lack honesty, integrity, empathy for others, and morality. They are COWARDS. You and OW are cowards. You couldn't just face your own unhappiness in your own marriages- you had to drag your spouses through over a year of shit and humiliation. You had to practically ruin our self esteems, hurting us beyond how ANY person should ever be hurt- friend or enemy. Let alone someone who gave you 15 years, 2 children, and every ounce of their love and trust. No matter how bad OWstbxh or I were- we DID NOT deserve that.

Our relationship was bad, yes- BOTH of our faults stbxwh. But there were several alternate ways you COULD have handled it- and you chose the sleaziest. And within that choice, you could have come clean so many times, but chose to continue to lie and deceive even up until recently to save YOUR OWN ass. Because it's always ALWAYS about you...you do not care enough for other people's feelings. And neither does she. I begged her - BEGGED her TWICE to please not be the home wrecking bitch she is... But, like you always said...she has no morality and feels bad for no one.

I look forward to the day when my feelings for you change from Love and Hate to indifference. When I no longer feel so colossally depressed about what I've lost and feel appreciative of gaining back the precious remaining time in my life to potentially spend with a decent, mature, loving, open person who would never dream of hurting me in the MANY ways you have. When I can look back on our family memories without such sadness and just smile because they involved my beautiful children- not focusing on the man who ruined my life.

I deserve better than you stbxwh. I'm just having a hard time letting go. It's rollercoaster-y for me and I may sound, at times, like I want you back.

I do not. I can only move forward now. You've ruined me enough.

(((Klove))) ok... it's done, let it go! Next time you feel like venting come HERE first ... spew here. Do not give him more mind space, more than likely he will enjoy the ego kibbles because you are thinking of him. Stop feeding that pig! You will move on ... everyone goes at their own pace.

((((Klove))) Realizing they don't care is a long process. Accepting what has happened is a long process. Being betrayed makes you feel powerless and confused. It's natural.

Back on the horse.

Hon,

Please stop! I did the same things and he will NOT get it! You actually are wanting a response, a true apology, a "I love you and I am so sorry, what can I do to work on this marriage". Deep down that is what you are looking for. You want him to acknowledge you and your pain. HE WON'T! Not unless he looks inward to himself and wants to FIX himself and the mess he has made.

You can keep torturing yourself or you can realize you will NEVER get what you are looking for. And the more you do this the more you hurt yourself.

Sweetie, he is gone, mind and soul! He is not going to care about what you say. He may for a brief moment but will be back into his selfishness and what you did to cause his A or his unhappiness.

Move on with your life. Start doing you! And STOP telling him about how other men want you or dating, you just adding fuel to the fire. You are trying to get another response and make him jealous. I know because I have done that! STOP STOP STOP it.

You may suck like I do at the 180 but keep on with your own life and you will see that it gets easier and a lot of stuff that makes you upset now will not later on.

I know it was wrong and 180 speaks louder than words...

It's just..when he realized I was home yesterday and obviously depressed- I just REALLY wanted him to know that even though my actions might be saying "I'm ruined by you" "I want you back"- my mind/brain (which I'm trying to listen to OVER my heart) is saying NO f#$%ing WAY!

I also had never gotten mad - like REALLY mad like I did in this text. I usually just said "I'm so very hurt, but I forgive you" - when, in fact, I did not. I just felt like I needed to...get mad and he needed to know it.

However- knowing him- he probably deleted it or dismissed it all as crazy talk and I have humiliated myself again...

You actually are wanting a response, a true apology, a "I love you and I am so sorry, what can I do to work on this marriage". Deep down that is what you are looking for. You want him to acknowledge you and your pain.

Yep.

But I wouldn't take him back. I just want him to be the one humiliated from time to time.

It is okay that you did that! You got it out. But know that if he is like my wh, he will not read the whole thing because he doesn't truly care. It like wasting breath on a wall. You won't get a response or if you do it will be vague or off the topic and about something else.

I know you are hurting honey, I know you are pissed off and want to just smack sense into him but you can't smack sense into a horses ass. I mean it is the ass not the brain. Remember, he is the horses ASS!

I just want him to be the one humiliated from time to time.

He wouldn't even know it is humility! That is the sad thing. They don't get it on a normal human level. He would need empathy or feelings that are deep and know how to truly love to get the humiliation.

I know- you're totally right. He keeps saying "I understand how sad you are, klove...I'm so sad too. I really love you, klove. Don't you think I cry at night all the time and don't you think I think about old times and how things could have been?"

And I think to myself...

No- I think about you are sad to be away from your beautiful comfortable home with your nice coffee maker, comfy bed, wife who makes all your meals. I think of how ashamed you are to walk around our community knowing everyone thinks what you did was sleazy. That's about it.

I try and say "our feelings are different. The depth of our feelings are different." And he disagrees. And I say "then why are you gone?" and he always starts...

"we are no good together....we always fight..."

blah blah blah blah...

[This message edited by Klove at 11:36 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Gotta go back to NC

For myself...when I have contact with him, my mental health goes wayyyyyyyy downhill and I do crazy stuff.

He keeps saying "I understand how sad you are, klove...I'm so sad too. I really love you, klove. Don't you think I cry at night all the time and don't you think I think about old times and how things could have been?"

I get that all the time! ALL THE TIME!

But, I have to remind myself, if he was really sad, really loved me, and cries, His ass would be moving mountains! I call BS. They have a choice to make things right and they DON'T.....

is all I have to say to that!

"I understand how sad you are, klove...I'm so sad too. I really love you, klove. Don't you think I cry at night all the time and don't you think I think about old times and how things could have been?"

Do ALL STBXH say this same thing!? Ugh!

If he was truly sad he would be home and trying to work on the marriage!! They.are.not.sad.

(((((Klove))))) Like Faithful With Love says, stop believing him when he says he's crying at night and he thinks about how things could have been. He's saying that stuff to keep you in the game for his own ego's sake.

When my husband finally left for OW, on Thanksgiving Day no less, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to tell him to reconsider and work on our marriage. I couldn't reach him for 36 hours. When I finally did, he said he was too upset to talk to anyone and he bought a bottle of Scotch and checked into a hotel to drink and think and cry for a night. He was very believable giving me a measure of hope.

You want to know where he really was? He bought tickets for him and OW to see Seinfeld at a comedy club. While I'm devastated and still have to run the B&B we own and make breakfast for 11 people, and I'm up all night trying to reach him, he's with her at a Seinfeld performance. That was my wake up call.

Please learn from my mistakes. Don't believe him. Don't feed his ego. Once you figure that out you'll have no desire to contact him. And you'll start to feel better.

He keeps saying "I understand how sad you are, klove...I'm so sad too. I really love you, klove. Don't you think I cry at night all the time and don't you think I think about old times and how things could have been?"

Yep, I get this one too. "You've always underestimated my emotions" is the form she used, but it's all the same shit.

Do ALL STBXH say this same thing!? Ugh!

So I guess there really is this handbook, huh?

I just keep thinking...if I was an OW in the picture at this point I would NOT be standing for this BS he is still feeding me. It wouldn't make me feel very wanted and special and like I'm the one he chose.

Ugh. The whole thing is so f%^(ing pathetic.

When your children are grown adults they are going to recognize that he is not a good person - even if they never learn the truth about the divorce.

He will not be able to fool them forever. And I can't think of anything worse than having your children look at you with revulsion.

Do ALL STBXH say this same thing!? Ugh!

Yes. They do. Hard to believe there is nothing special or unique in any of this, isn't it? It is so horrifyingly pedestrian.

Klove - it stops when you say it stops. Almost all of us hurt ourselves a whole lot more before we stop.

If there were magic words one of the 40k+ people here would have found them by now. They haven't because they don't exist.

I know where you are and where you are heading. I've walked the same path. Acceptance was sheer agony. I don't envy you that. Please know rock bottom will be the beginning of your healing.

Don't do too much damage to yourself between now and then.

He deserves no more of you.

((Klove))

[This message edited by SBB at 5:26 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

Hi Klove,

I don't post much any more, but I have been following your story, and I wanted to reach out because your pain is so palpable and I have been exactly where you are, with a WH who won't quite let go.

Please hear this: It WILL get better. The more you cut him off, the easier it will be.

3 months of NC is a bit of a miracle cure. Everytime you want to text him or call him and make him see your pain, drink water, stand on your head, scream, call a friend, post here, stick pins in a voodoo doll, burp the alphabet, WHATEVER it takes until the urge passes.

Your words to him are pearls before swine. He does not deserve them and he does not deserve a single one of your tears. I fucking hate him for you.

I wish you all the strength and healing in the world.

((((((((klove))))))

I always feel better when I can achieve NC.

When he called tonight he only wanted to talk to the kids and I could tell he was angry- meaning he read the text.

Whatever.

Ok- so I've been seconds away from texting the ow. I just want to send her one of those hilarious postcards about being a home wrecker. She told stbxwh that it really bothered her to think of herself as a home wrecker. I just want to lash out at her- tell her I think she's fucking pathetic.

Probably pointless and a bad idea, right?

Thank god I go see my counsellor tomorrow. I'm in such a bad place right now.

Do not contact her. You will be making her very important if you do.

She knows what she is. Telling her just lets her know she is very important to you.

Remember anything you send could be read by a judge. X will use whatever he can against you. Think hard before you act.

Write it out here - get it out. Do not give either of those whores any of your power.