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User Topic: Common trait...selfishness?
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have noticed that many people are describing their WS as selfish. Obviously it is selfish to have an A, and the only thing they care about is having their fun. But is the WS selfish in other ways?

My WS will buy himself expensive things without discussing it. His latest thing is a tattoo of Jesus and the thing is looking at me when we cuddle or have sex. Ugh. Maybe he could've mentioned it first? I love Jesus, but this is a creepy picture. It's just selfish and not putting me first. He says I'm making a big deal about nothing.

Are your WS 's very selfish in all areas of their lives?

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes, extremely so. In all aspects of his life actually. Entitled.

Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

selfish somewhat but definitely more self-entitled than selfish.

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

very selfish but he doesn't see it. he can manage to twist everything into him doing it for others but it's all self serving.

Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to

Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He used to be..and still is to some degree.

If he wants to buy something..he does..with little or no input from me(not that Im asked).

For many years(all of them leading up to dday), all of our family vacations, day trips, etc, all involved fishing/boating/hunting. Guess who likes to fish and hunt"( It's not me.)

We haven't had any extra money for the last several weeks. We had major home repairs due to the cold temps. extra cash. My dryer stopped working about two months ago. My dishwasher isn't running right. My flat iron also crapped out on me a month ago. His truck died last week. Guess who just bought himself a 2012 Chrysler 300C? Yup! My FWH!

He is all about googling how to repair this and that..when it's his things that break. He probably could figure out how to fix my dryer and my dishwasher...but hasn't bothered. I mean..why should he? I wash the dishes..not him. And I hang the clothes out..again..not the dryer isn't *really* necessary either.

The only thing he isn't selfish about is in bed. Too bad Im too tired from washing dishes and hanging the laundry to have sex these days. (Not really..but..hmmm...)

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:28 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]

FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no. This is why I was so surprised he had affairs.
He was selfless, to a detrimental point.

his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...

Posts: 4896 | Registered: Dec 2010
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW is selfish in many ways and very caught up in her own little world. Not only did she go out and have her little trysts to fulfil her own selfish needs but she has managed to make the fall-out since DDay all about her and the way that she feels. She has never considered how I feel when I'm down but instead twisted it to be about how my feeling down makes her feel neglected. Just two nights ago we had a disagreement because she felt that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I started to explain why I wasn't paying her much attention only to be told that she didn't want to get into it because 'these conversations are so tiring'. Throughout our relationship I have gone without things that I've wanted, to stretch our finances, and she's just spent spent spent... always on her, never on me. I've gone out of my way to make her feel special and put her needs first but she's never reciprocated. So yes, in a nutshell she is selfish in every conceivable way. Sorry for the rant - I got carried away.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW says I am selfish and she is giving. She is generous but very self absorbed and self serving

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am rolling my eyes that this guy of all people (though I don't know your story) is advertising his faith.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only one reply of not selfish. So, I guess if I look for a replacement spouse, I need to make sure they are not selfish.

LOL, yes norabird, I thought the same thing. He likes to act all moral. Funny thing, he was baptized one week before he started his A with my BFF who also went to our church. We all sat together in the same pew every week when the A was happening, and now he has this tattoo that looks at ME every day. He needed one that looks at HIM.

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have never called my H selfish. Not at any point up until the A started. Or rather, just before it, when he went into crisis/breakdown-mode.

Then he became selfish. He became overly-obsessed with how HE was feeling - he has serious anxiety and depression usually brought on by big ass changes (i.e. marriage and me moving in). He internalised everything and cared only about his ill feelings and never cared how it was affecting me.

This selfishness made him turn to his ex where he searched for easy answers to his problems - like 'omg you're right, I don't love my wife! Perfect!' And that was all he needed to tell himself to make more and more selfish decisions.

Now after DDay and big pop of the Affair Bubble, he's gotten even more pitiful and selfish - woe is me, my life is a mess. I have all these feelings, boo hoo.

Spare me. 100% selfish now. The last thing I would have ever labeled him...

BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He sleeps in constantly, takes naps at night or right after the kids get home from school. He used to be much, much, much worse. He expected me to cater to him, because what he wanted was the only thing that mattered. I can't tell you how many times he spent money we didn't have on crap for himself and I was left trying to scrape together enough change (literally counting coins!) to pay the bills.

He has finally realized what he was doing and he's working hard to change. The sleeping thing is now my only major complaint.

Of course, his mother was the same way. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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