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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wedding
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember my wedding day like it happened yesterday. He never wanted to get married (to anyone), but after my brother proposed to his wife, my BH proposed to about 6 months after. He had been thinking about proposing for a while, and he felt bad that is seemed like he was only proposing because my brother did. He always wanted to be committed to me, and was always planning to be with me, but just never believed in marriage. He proposed because he knew it was something that I really wanted and wanted to make me happy. My BH and I decided to get married with just our immediate families at a hiking area that we liked to go to. It has this beautiful little stream that runs through it and our ceremony was right next to the stream. It was such a beautiful day. My BH looked so handsome and I didnít look too shabby myself! It was so wonderful being surrounded by the people who I loved the most and who loved me! I remember saying my vows and crying so hard because I was so incredibly happy to be marrying my BH. I remember crying while I was listening to him say his vows because I had wanted to marry him for such a long time. It was hard for him to put the ring on my finger because my finger was swollen from nerves and sweating and we laughed hysterically. It was also hard for me to put his ring on which made us laugh even harder. A feeling of such love, caring, and warmth filled me that day. It was the greatest day of my life. I saw a beautiful future with my BH and it was so bright. I had it all. A family who loves me unconditionally. A man who loves me and cares about me and who was going to stick by me forever. And 4 months later I had sex again with my AP.

Then, when we had our reception months later, AP and his wife were there and SHE was the one who was our photographer (since we didnít hire anyone). I have cropped them out of every pic that they are in. I makes me so ill thinking that they were there. BUT, I still was overjoyed to be celebrating with my BH and loved ones.
It makes me sob writing this (and Iím at work) because I just donít know whatís wrong with me. How could I have succumbed to something so morally reprehensible? What flaw inside of me caused me to hurt so many people? It makes me cry inside (and out) all of the time. I ruined my wedding. I ruined my marriage. Me. No one else.

My BH has said that he feels like I tricked him into marriage and I understand why he feels like that. But NO WHERE in my mind did I doubt my love for him. I never felt like I was tricking him. I just wanted to marry the man that I loved. God, was I completely delusional?

Therapy is helpful but absolutely exhausting. I am dealing with so much shit of my own (not just the A) in my IC and in MC we are working hard. I feel like I have all of this sludge inside of me that has been there, and has been leaching out, but when D-day hit, the sludge poured out of me and I just thought WTF. Who is this person? Why did she fuck everything up? I am sorry for the pity party, but it is how I am feeling right now. I hate that I have tainted everything. I hate that memories of them (AP and his wife) pop into my head randomly and I have to shove them out. I hate that I hurt my BH and her so badly. I feel like a real fuck-up and a really bad person. I am trying to not be so negative. I trying to think more about how far I have come and all the progress I have made rebuilding relationships. I need to see the good.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 2:56 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((pizzalover))))

I completely understand how you are feeling. I pretty much F'd up the memory of our wedding as well. You see, my AP was one of the grooms men. My A didn't occur until well over a decade after my wedding, but my AP was splashed throughout my wedding album. We had to take our album back to the photographer to attempt at having him digitally removed. The pictures didn't come out great. My album hasn't been opened since.

I can tell you that examining these pieces and mourning the loss can help you heal. I have forever changed how we look at that day, but it doesn't have to change the significance of it. There will never be a day that I can just sit and think fondly of our wedding day. There is an asterisk now. But I can tell you that I was 100% sincere in every word in my vow that day. Unfortunately, I wasn't mature enough at the time to truly understand them. So here is where that asterisk comes in, I do now. Because there was a short period of time that I didn't. I can't make that go away. It's forever a part of our history. And I've fought like Hell to be a better person and have a better marriage despite of it.

IC and MC are exhausting. But there will come a day when your counselor looks at you and says "Do you feel like you need to keep coming back every week?" And you will realize that you have found your why's. You have reached a point of acceptance. And you know that it's forever a work in progress. That you have the capability of hurting other people and having negative thoughts. That you have to sometimes check yourself to stay on the right track.

Occasionally you will think of moments like your wedding and it will just hit you. You will think about how awful you acted. You will think about what you came so close to losing. And instead of curling up in a ball of shame hating yourself, you will reach out to your BH and apologize wholeheartedly for that specific thing. If your BH is anything like mine? He will appreciate the gesture and be glad that you "get it". And you can move on with the satisfaction that you have changed so much that you no longer feel or think like you did back then. You can smile, knowing that you are becoming someone you can be proud of.

Keep doing the work.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 606 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Hardestthing
♀ New Member
Member # 42712
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so understand.

I meant every word I said on my wedding day, and still do.

I had my AP over to our house for a new years party, where he shook hands with my H. We had all taken pictures together too. At the time I can't even remember thinking that it was wrong. Now, I think back to it and the nausea sets in. I still have intense feelings of sickness when I think about my confession, the A's, the pain I have caused, and also all of our insanely loving and happy moments.

I have depression, and that comes into play. Do you know if you have any sort of imbalance?

At this point I am not sure if I have necessarily forgiven myself, or ever will, however what I do know and try to focus on is that I am a good person who made bad choices. And now I am doing everything in my power to never allow those bad decisions to be made again, alone or with my H.

It sounds like you are a lovely person too who clearly has a huge heart. You cry because you feel so much. That means something. A sin is a sin (a white lie vs. a 3 year affair.) What are you going to do to ensure you are on the right path? To take the road with the least amount of regret. You need to face those demons, and address them with confidence and honesty. Heal yourself, be strong, don't give up. There is no end to this, which is not a bad thing. You deserve happiness and wholeness. Love all of your imperfections, and learn from them as much as you can!


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Calgary
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm doing this right. Didn't see a stop sign. I'm a BS and you can read my story. My WW had her affair with one of my best friends. Turns out he was a POS. My WW is trying vey hard to make it up to me. I see this and understand it. OM was also in my wedding but thankfully not in too many pictures. My SIL took most of the pics and hated OM for good reason. I have lurked for a while before joining and have read a lot of your post. I guess I just needed to get some perspective ya know. I understand how you can feel he way you do and I get the self loathing. If you all can get past this. Renew your vows, write your own and mean them with all of your heart. Make the vows, mean them and honor them. I'm at a point where I want to do this. I'm early days in this mess but I do and always have loved my wife. If she can really prove to me the things I need her too, I'll love her till I breathe my last breath.

I'm sorry if I broke any rules or you didn't want any other POV. But if your fixing yourself and your relationship with BS..make new memories. Throw out the bad ones with all your other "trash".


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WalkingonEggshelz,
Thank you for your inspiring post. It was very helpful to me. I am sorry that you had a similar experience to me, but I am so glad to hear that you have worked things out in your marriage. It gives me so much hope.

Hardestthing,

I have depression, and that comes into play. Do you know if you have any sort of imbalance?

I was diagnosed bipolar (the kind where you are NOT staying up for hours at a time, but the lower grade one), but my IC believes that I have pyschlothymia, meaning I more on the bipolar spectrum. I am on bipolar meds as well as celexa for depression.
At this point I am not sure if I have necessarily forgiven myself, or ever will, however what I do know and try to focus on is that I am a good person who made bad choices. And now I am doing everything in my power to never allow those bad decisions to be made again, alone or with my H.

Yup. This is what I am trying to do!

SWAT70,

I hope I'm doing this right. Didn't see a stop sign.

Yup, you are doing this right. I don't mind BS replies.
Renew your vows, write your own and mean them with all of your heart.

My BH has no desire to do this because he meant what he said the first time. I did too, even though I fucked it all up. My BH is also disgusted because we found out from a mutual friend that AP and his wife renewed their vows like 6 months after D-day.
But if your fixing yourself and your relationship with BS..make new memories. Throw out the bad ones with all your other "trash".

I am absolutely trying to do this.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
IntoTheLight
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are only 4 weeks out from my confession. I hadn't thought about it but OM was in our wedding so of course he's all over the wedding album.


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if your fixing yourself and your relationship with BS..make new memories. Throw out the bad ones with all your other "trash".

It's good that you are trying to do this - and I think it's something that takes years and years of practice. It's ok to look back on the past and see our mistakes, but we can't live there.

Therapy IS exhausting, but you are working really hard to get to a better place.

Please take some time each day to appreciate your progress. The new you deserves credit too.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16312 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7

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