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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it ever enough?
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the IC, the MC, the life time commitment to self improvement, the building of new boundaries, the establishment of new coping mechanisms, the tears and the heartbreak, ever enough?

I honestly feel like a murderer. How do I live with this? It cannot be possible to have the suffering of those I love the most imprinted on my soul for the rest of my days.

My IC quoted Omar Khayyam's Rubaiyat to me yesterday

"The moving finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it."

I know what she means but it's not good enough.
She keeps telling me to err is human. But I'm not bloody divine, I am weak and spineless, I had an A. So how can I forgive myself? It's too huge.

I get all the stuff about being broken even before the A. I had more than my fair share of issues, my life has not been an easy ride. But I've never done anything like that before. I wasn't a deceitful or malicious person. To me, my A felt like a crisis. So why didn't I do what I have always done in the past and ask for help?

I'm a stubborn so and so, I will not be sucked down into a self loathing pit of despair. I will work on myself, I will change all the things that lead me down the path to an A. I will make myself strong. I just don't see how forgiving myself will ever be possible.

I can't feel anything except anger today. Two poorly kids and no one to talk to.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 7:01 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenButTrying - Is the IC, the MC, the life time commitment to self improvement, the building of new boundaries, the establishment of new coping mechanisms, the tears and the heartbreak, ever enough?

If your thinking that any of these steps will be able to give you absolutation, then the answer is no. The consequences of your affiar will be with you forever. But that doesn't mean that you have to suffer forever. As you continue self-healing, things will change. Finding acceptance will be a very big step in your healing as you work to self-forgiveness.

The problem with acceptance is that quite often, while we understand the idea on a intellecutal baiss, something inside of us, the part that holds onto the guilt, can't make the jump to believing in this idea with our heart. I think that until you can find it, you will continue to fret over the whole affair and its implications.

BrokenButTrying - How do I live with this? It cannot be possible to have the suffering of those I love the most imprinted on my soul for the rest of my days.

If you only think about the damage done, the hurt and the suffering, then sadly enough, your setting yourself up for a lifetime of bitterness and resentment. You have to reframe this and see the positives. I know seeing positives is hard amoung the ruin of your life but there are some. Learning how to cook, learning to be the best father to your two kids, coming to a knowledge and understanding of yourself that never existed before.

If you have lost hope, hold onto faith. When faith deserts you, hold onto sheer stubbornness and pigheadedness - HUFI.

Focusing on the negatives will keep you shame bound. While you walk down this journey, day by day and small step by small step, it helps to lift your eyes and look towards the future. One that holds the promise of a brighter future. Is it so dark that you can't a reason to go on? Sit down right now and make a list of positives. Make a list of things that you are grateful for. Make a list of things that you want to accomplish. Start by simply acknowledging that while today you feel like shit, you can see where time will heal the acute hurt that you feel. It will get better.

BrokenButTrying - So how can I forgive myself? It's too huge. ...I just don't see how forgiving myself will ever be possible.

While self-forgivness is important, its not a nessesaty. Instead of worrying over forgiveness, how about working on acceptance. Find some peace in the idea that your actions reflect the choices and decisions of your life at the time that you made them. It does not carry forward into the future unless you carry the baggage along. You can change, hell, you are changing day by day already. Work on accepting the new reality and don;t fret over finding forgiveness to day. It will come when it needs to.

BrokenButTrying - I've never done anything like that before. I wasn't a deceitful or malicious person. To me, my A felt like a crisis. So why didn't I do what I have always done in the past and ask for help?

In order to ansewr this, you may want to read the book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum. When I read your words, I flashed back to my own struggle with this. How could the good HUFI have done this? Where was my morality, where was the noble, righteous and virtuious HUFI when he was facing temptation? Well, the answer comes with IC and a whole lot of self-reflection and exaimination of your thought process and feelings at the time. Whatever you find as to the "why", the truth is that otherwise good people do fall into affairs. Being an adulterer is not defined by intent but by action and in that respect, even good people make mistakes. The key is to acept that and let the guilt and shame behind. Otherwise, as I said, you run the risk of becoming shame-bound.

BrokenButTrying - I can't feel anything except anger today. Two poorly kids and no one to talk to.

I encourage you right now to take a deep breath, relax those tense neck muscles and breathe deeply again. Now, picture your two kids and how much fun you will have cooking them something special and the smiles on their faces. Let that be your PMA today.

And what do you mean, no one to talk to? What are we, chopped chickens?

Seriously, if you have no one IRL to talk to, I would encourage you to step outside your safety zone and find someone. It can be striking up a conversation with someone at church, at the library. Reach out on a telephone crisis line. While we are better than nothing, we can't substitute for a real friend who is willing to listen to you face to face. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/how-to-make-friends.htm

HUFI

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 8:32 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers HUFI, you always give outstanding advice. Thank you for taking the time to give such a detailed reply.

I am very stressed today, tomorrow I have an interview with BH's work. I have to give a statement about the A so that disciplinary action can be taken against the OM. The OM also has an interview tomorrow and while BH insists that there is no chance of me bumping into OM, I am understandable anxious. I have no desire to see that man ever again.

Thanks for the book recommendations, I find reading very therapeutic and really helpful so I'll order them as soon as I'm done writing this reply!

I think acceptance is my stumbling block. I know my 'why' inside and out, it was hard to get to the bottom of it, painful too but accepting my actions seems impossible right now. Hopefully I can get there in time.

The positive list idea is great

Today I am grateful that;

* I have two amazing kids who are delightful even with runny noses and high temperatures.
* I have a great family who although don't live nearby, are always there for me.
* I have a BH who is trying his god damned hardest, he is an inspiration all by himself.
* I am young, I have years ahead of me to work on myself and become a better person.
* It is spring, I no longer have the heating on anymore.

Things I want to accomplish;

* With the help of my step dad and my IC's publisher friend, I want to publish a children's story. I love writing, I'm good at it.
* I want to go back to work. I want to be a social work assistant. I have the qualifications I just put my dreams on hold to support BH's career and have the kids. But I can do it, I WILL do it.
* I want to become a better cook. Combat my ED and give my children a love a food I never had.
* I want to be a whole person.

At some point in the next few months I will move back home to be nearer my family and friends. I will no longer be a prisoner in my own home and I can actually start living again.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 3

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