I've had a good relationship with The Arse's brother and his wife. The Arse does not like his SIL, he doesn't really like his brother either. And since they met, The Arse has been saying negative things about them.
I had cognitive dissonance about this. You see I always got on with them in person. But once they'd gone/we'd left, The Arse would start bringing up little things and making a case against them. This got worse during the A. Just before dday we were visiting them but our accommodation fell through at the last minute, The Arse rang them, then told me they couldn't put us up, so I had to ask my mum if she could pay for a hotel for us to stay in, which she did. I've recently found out that The Arse lied, and his brother and SIL offered to put us up. But I believed The Arse for a long time. I repeated what he told me and felt we were unwelcome.
I am ashamed that not only did I believe his lies (about them, his gaslighting in general and other things) but that I repeated them. I am ashamed that I wanted to believe him so much that I bought into it all and then compromised myself further by spreading it.
I can blame him as much as I like...but I could have chosen to keep my mouth shut, instead I wanted to please him, like some kind of stupid attention seeking puppy.
I have just admitted this to them and apologised.
There are other things like this. Areas where I compromised myself to please him. Nothing REALLY awful...but it's insidious and it has done harm.