I just feel each new event is more and more like I'm living in some twisted Truman Show.
Sunday, we had to attend a Christening together (as he was made godfather). There was obvious tension as we sat, both atheists, listening to a Catholic sermon about temptation and forgiving sins. Seriously?
Then Mother's Day dinner, faking smiles all around even though we and his parents know the Whole Truth, we still sat acting like everything was okay just to get through a Mother's Day dinner.
Monday night he was caught in a lie by me and his mom. Lots of crying (from him) followed. He had bought me a bag of crisps because "I know you don't like chocolates". What the actual F.
Tuesday, I had a mental breakdown. Sobbing, hysterical saying over and over, I don't deserve this. He patted me pathetically on the back and I cried for half an hour before he offered me a diazepam to help me sleep.
And today? He was avoiding me. Until he went to run to the shops.
Guess who got in a car accident? That's right. MY WH. His fault. He wasn't paying attention. He's fine, all three cars are drivable. But he came home sobbing and I held him for a bit until his mother came over to CLEAN UP THE MESS. And he turned up the Victim Card like I've never seen before.
Luckily his sister is not remorseful (like me) and told her mom she needs to let him realise he's destroying not only his life, but the lives of people who genuinely love him all because of this A.
I just couldn't believe it. I finally, after a month and a half had a vulnerable night last night, let him see all the pain, and the next day HE GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND MANAGES TO TURN THE PITY PARTY BACK ON TO HIMSELF.
[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 4:02 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]
EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.
9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.
AND THEN HE GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT. So similar to the novel. Self-fulfilling prophecy?!
Avoidant? Scared? Anxious? Low confidence? Yes. But never selfish. Until her...
I'm going to find a balance between showing him the pain he causes me, and NOT being a complete and utter mess. Haha. I don't want to be too needy or pathetic. I am doing the 180 but only managing a 120 at this point because of these RIDICULOUS events!
Don't apologize for too many posts. We are here for you.
Keep hanging in there and keep expecting him to help you heal.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Think of us as a pool of clear spring water. Dip your cup in and drink when you have the need.
That's beautiful, thank you guys. It is therapeutic posting on here.
He spent some time with me today, being mentally present, and actually talking to me, asking about things in my life lately.
This doesn't change my attitude towards him, but it is cathartic to have a relatively calm day, compared to our week-long exhausting, emotional shitstorm.
Also the added benefit of strengthening your relationships with relatives/ friends you had before the marriage...
I just returned from such a trip..
I have done two of these trips away in the past 6 months already, both about two weeks long..
Fun distraction and such a sanity saver..
Marriage with somebody who is more comfortable making things all about him or her is not a real marriage..This kind of person is too immature to deserve a spouse who wants a balance of give and take in the marriage..
Being in a marriage where one has to be the parent or caretaker all the time is bad for the soul..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:11 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]
Today was a decent day, at least he was nice and talking to me. We did things together. We said good night, I went to my room, and checked my 'secret sources' and found them having a dirty exchange literally within two minutes of me saying good night.
So I went into his room while he was in the middle of this convo and asked for a word. Just said I appreciated his effort today, but one good day does not excuse the abuse he continually puts me through. This is when I demanded his presence from now on, at all times. He will focus on me, take care of my needs, be my friend. He agreed. I purposefully did this in the middle of their convo to amp up the guilt and reality that 'shit, it's going to be hard to keep both a wife and girlfriend happy soon...'. He's trying so hard to pretend like he's not keeping secrets anymore, that he doesn't protest my requests like this; whereas two weeks ago, even one week ago, he used excuses to do things without me. His new faked attention works nicely for me with my new strategy anyway.
I'm still keeping my knowledge secret. Just watching them screw up publicly until I can use it for my ultimate benefit. At the very least, it's ammo for future D. And as long as i can remember his disgusting exchanges between her and his constant lies, when we have a good day it won't affect me, just like when we have a bad day, it won't affect me. I'm trying to learn to detach from it all completely.
It sounds like you're putting up with a lot from this guy. I mean, walking into a room when he is on the phone with the OW and not calling him out on it takes a huge amount of tolerance. If you think that this was a strategic move to make him feel guilty, I have my doubts about that. Next time he wants to call her, he may just leave the house so he isn't interrupted by you. He is continuing his A, so the guilt card will not work on him right now.
Get tough. Turn the 120 into a full on 180. Insist on NC with "Daisy" (really? pleeease...)
Good luck to you and keep posting, selfrespect.
PS) I have a question and you don't have to answer, I'm just curious. You mentioned that you are both athiests but he was made godfather at a catholic ceremony? That's confusing to me.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
I'm not calling him out on it, because then I would reveal my strongest source at the moment. He can't know I know about this 'secret source'. Not now. I'm saving it for when/if I move out at the end of the month. Hit him with all the evidence, printed, in his face, so he can't deny it. But in the meantime, I just watch him make his mistakes, I tell his mom and sister each time he does it so they can keep tally and talk to him if necessary (they don't know details or the source either, just that I have proof and they're inclined to believe me), but I won't be the one confronting him YET.
Problem with insisted on NC with Daisy (lol) is that he still pretends he IS NC with her. And if I push AGAIN, he'll just go further underground. So part of the 180 is I've stopped accusing, pleading, begging, and I've stopped 'caring' about where he goes and when.
For this month I have nothing else I can do. I'm taking him to counselling with me. I'm making him see my pain more, without being needy, I guess. He is making effort to be more 'present' with me and do things together, but effort has to come from him. I refuse to initiate.
I'm working out a plan to move out at the end of the month and let him "be with" her. Let him enjoy the fantasy for it's whole gruesome reality, which means his family ostracising him and no cake eating. We'll see. Looking at my options.
His friends who made him godparent are catholic, or at least were raised catholic. It was their ceremony and from what I can tell more for the 'show' and 'promise' of it, than actually wanting a genuine godparent role model. You know the types I mean? We happily obliged, but are definitely atheists.
I'm working out a plan to move out at the end of the month and let him "be with" her
Sending you strength.
I'm using this month to gather evidence and keeping his sister and parents updated on the lies he's feeding us all, so by the end of the month I can present the evidence, and have his family go NC with him as well. Something they warned him about a month ago, should I need to move back in, then he's out of their lives too. Not to guilt him into being with me, but because he needs to see that all of his consequences are hurting not just me, but EVERYONE who cares about him.
OW doesn't care about him. She cares about herself and "them". It's so annoying listening to him talk because I can actually HEAR her words and brainwashing... So pathetic.