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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't want to be friends
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted earlier that an old friend of EXs (from 25 years ago) contacted me from eharmony. He alternates his weeks in town to be with his kids 50%, so he's not around a lot. He got back this week and let me know tonight that he can't date me, moral dilemma doing that to a friend.

Anyway, he wants to still have lunch and dinner and hang out, because I'm fun to be around. And to prove his point, he wants to have lunch tomorrow. I can't, I have an eye dr. appt. So he pushed for another day....so Friday we are having lunch. His treat!

He's been texting me all night, like now that he's got that off his chest, we can be BFFs.

...oh and I just got a "night" text.

What the hell??

It would be so much better to tell me that there is something wrong with me than to tell me you can't do this to EX. It's just so unfair that EX destroyed my future 5 years ago...and he gets to continue having any impact.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're right - I don't want to be friends because we weren't before.

Like what, we bumped into each other on eHarmony and we have XH in common. So what?

I get you being cordial and sharing a laugh or something, but you don't need to be buds. Sounds like he is either lonely or horny, neither of which are your problem. And the added ick X factor - no thanks.



Posts: 14320 | Registered: Jun 2008
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell him you are going to be too busy going out on dates to hang out and be friends but good luck to him.

Not sure I buy his excuses. Sounds like he wants to date without calling it dating and you have more respect than that.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Aug 2009
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah…I'm with everyone else, something not quite right about that scenario. It doesn't feel quite honest, kinda passive/aggressive in a way. It is an excuse, and not the best one. If they were friends NOW, then, yeah…a slight problem. But someone from a long time ago?

This just seems like he is doing the "easy thing" and saying, "Whew! Dodged that bullet. Now, she and I can hang out, maybe have sex, and I get all the benefits from a relationship…but we are 'just friends'."

I'm not interested in making new guy friends, I'm interested in finding a relationship. If that is what you want…then YOU need to be honest with HIM.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I see this differently. What's wrong with respecting his feelings and moving into the friend zone? Maybe just take things slow and see what happens. He might be feeling the need to put up the boundary, and yet still has attraction and interest. Perhaps he's trying to figure things out. Is it possible you can go with the flow here and just see where the friendship goes? This really isn't about your Ex. Its about friend guy expressing his feelings and concerns. Just suggesting maybe not throwing out baby with bathwater here......

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to be friends because we weren't before.

EXACTLY!

going to be too busy going out on dates to hang out and be friends

I still was looking on Match and eHarmony. One guy I'm talking to (I'm really picky on these sites)...but he is out of town by about 100 miles, so it's still just conversation.

I'm not interested in making new guy friends, I'm interested in finding a relationship.

Me too! That is why I was on eharmony. I think as soon as he finds someone he "can" date, it would be an awkward friendship, that wouldn't mean much to him.

might be feeling the need to put up the boundary, and yet still has attraction and interest. Perhaps he's trying to figure things out. Is it possible you can go with the flow here and just see where the friendship goes?

I've thought about this, but I really did want to be more than just friends and I don't know how to switch those feelings.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jack: "I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever"
Hotel Chevalier


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to look that up. I like Wes Anderson movies. I haven't seen Hotel Chevalier...I'll have to check it out.

So....I went on the non-date lunch. Of course, we laugh and have a great time and I don't understand why he feels this way.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't be making plans with him. It takes up your time better served looking for the relationship you want!

One word-"Next!!!"


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4854 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One word-"Next!!!"

^^^^ This, this is exactly what I thought!!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't speak for your situation.
My situation: I don't have friends that were or are friends of xwh's. My reason is that I don't trust them to not report to him on me. After 4 years he still looks for things to say I am doing "wrong" and pointing them out to our kids and to me by nasty emails. I just say no to friendships with his former or current friends.

Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not spend any more time with him. I don't want male friends. They're not my man for whatever reason, and when the right man does come along it can look weird and be a big turn off to be having lunches and dinners and texting with guys like a teenage girl. So really nothing in it for me.

To me this guy's excuse seems so lame I almost wonder if there is a real reason he is being dishonest about. Could that really be the *real* reason? *shrug*

Don't let him eat up your time or energy.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tabitha,

You two are approaching this from opposite sides.

You would like something more.

He wants a very casual thing maybe leading to a FWB situation.

End this thing now before you get hurt.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6453 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tabitha,

You two are approaching this from opposite sides.

You would like something more.

He wants a very casual thing maybe leading to a FWB situation.

End this thing now before you get hurt.

My thoughts exactly. You can hang out but NOT date, but he'll pay for lunch....

If they are not current friends there shouldn't be a problem with you guys dating if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to date and I agree, I see this guy pushing a FWB thing at some point.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 14

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