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Newest Member: Icandoallthings (44333)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: NC with people who don't know why
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jovie,

steadfast1973 asked about your friends,

Did they encourage behaviors that led to the A?

Very good question. Note that the "encouragement" doesn't have to be at all explicit or overt. It can simply be that their lifestyles (e.g., if they're single and dating around) or your conversations with them (critizing spouses or significant others) made it easier for you to have an affair.

Another way to put it is whether your friends are "friends of the marriage"? Does being around them help your marriage? If the answer is no, even if being around them doesn't actually harm your marriage, I'd say defer to your BS's wishes, even if it makes you feel disloyal to your friends. If the answer is yes, that being around them actually helps your marriage and makes it easier for you to stay faithful, then talk to your BS about it.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another way to put it is whether your friends are "friends of the marriage"? Does being around them help your marriage? If the answer is no, even if being around them doesn't actually harm your marriage, I'd say defer to your BS's wishes, even if it makes you feel disloyal to your friends. If the answer is yes, that being around them actually helps your marriage and makes it easier for you to stay faithful, then talk to your BS about it.

This is an interesting way to put it and very cut and dry, which I like (thank you for that!).

They are all married or in long-term relationships and seem happy. We barely talk about our spouses at all besides generic chit chat. I think the answer is that they don't harm but the only "help" they offer is keeping me motivated to work out, which I could (hopefully) find some other means to accomplish.

[This message edited by Jovie at 5:07 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
ResoluteH
♂ New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad it's helpful. I certainly didn't coin that term.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where running is concerned, I don't know why you can't pursue that on your own. It is not a team sport.

You can still be fit, you can still run, just do it on your own.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
PainfulReminder
♀ New Member
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cutting off friends and not feeling bad about it is a cold. Is reconciling with someone who doesn't understand a need for female companionship and who is going so out of his way to trigger? Or maybe it isn't really a trigger and he is punishing you. I cut off friends on my own because I felt unworthy and it isolated me and made everything worse. And I know people who are at comfortable to be with aren't exchangeable like a pair of pants. If these women do not flirt, cheat or talk bad and belittle their spouses I would think they would be a great group of running buddies. If every relationship you form is cross examined for a third degree of seperation or more that is your husband running from what you did and not facing it head on.

I'm not saying disobey your husband. I am asking you if this is something you want to be in your life forever. I could totally agree with his call if they did even one negative thing or had one actually mutual friend not boyfriend's friend of a friend's sister's uncles's cousin's godfather.

But if you don't really care for these women yourself and they really aren't friends then who cares what they think? People stop being friends all the time for no reason. It's called life.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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