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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Huge problem….
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I get along really, really well…when he is home.

BUT, he travels a lot for work.

We make a breakthrough, go to MC and the MC is like this is fantastic.

He travels again, we go back to MC and we are a hot mess. Or should I say, I am.

His job is MY TRIGGER.

Peeps, how do I deal with this? His traveling with OW is where his A took place. She is no longer working with him.

My IC has asked me if I really think he would cross boundaries again. The honest answer is NO.

So why does it trigger me and how can I stop?

We do the usual stuff. Talk often etc… It is not that I think he is up to no good while he is gone.

There is just a lot of anger surrounding his job, that his company makes it conducive for A's and they call it work, that they are now demanding more and more meetings be held on weekends as they don't want employees out of the work force M-F.

Anyone have any ideas?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1497 | Registered: Jun 2012
LdyD
♀ Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any other positions/departments that he could transfer to that does not require traveling?

Or is having him look for employment elsewhere out of the question?

Triggers are going to happen no matter what. I got triggered last weekend by a scene in a movie we were watching!

Is your WH fully committed in R with you?
Is he truly remorseful?
Is he giving you the support you need from him to help you heal?
If he is doing everything right, you're still going to have trust issues, but in order to fully R, you will have to be willing to trust again.

Perhap start by letting him build back the trust with you asking questions and him providing the proof that you need to be less anxious. Never again trust blindly.


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 41
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
BrokenMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WHs affair took place while he was gone for work training. He works for the railroad and after the A was discovered he still had to be in that town where OW lives for another month before he was done. So I COMPLETELY understand the job being a trigger.

Initially my WHs job was going to have him on the train going back to that town atleast 2/3 times a week and staying overnight, but he was able to change it so he stays local and isnt gone overnight anywhere. That was a huge help with the healing.

Is it possible or is he willing to look for another job?

Wish I had a good answer on how to calm the triggers


Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
LivingLearning
♀ Member
Member # 42637
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WBf now sends me pictures regularly when we are apart. He sends me texts as much as he can and calls on his ways to things. I still trigger and get anxiety about it all, but it is far better. Ask him to send you regular pictures. I would also suggest the pictures having a clock or something in them, or you asking for a specific thing in the picture so that you know they were not taken at a different time. Also skyping at night before you both go to bed should help calm some nerves as well.

I hope that helps.


Living and learning how to move forward
Me: BGf
Him: WBf
Dday: 02/2013

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand. My H also travels frequently, and this enabled his infidelity. I find that I am a royal bitch now every time he returns from a trip. I truly don't have any fears that he is unfaithful now, but the travel thing is such a trigger. Heck, the kids and I travelled WITH him to a conference last week, and I got pissed off. It has gotten better with time though. And I know some would say "no travel. End of story. It's the price the wayward pays", I don't feel that way. He nees to for his career, he does everything he can to reassure me while he's gone, and honestly, I feel proud that I deal with it better and better with time.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we went thru something like this during our ld relationship before m and my road warrior years after m. in addition to suggs above, if you reunions are problematical:

in retrospect, we think what would have helped us would have been something like

1. upon greeting each other, take time to acknowledge we both want to be together and really take in that we are together.

2. acknowledge our feelings toward the other haven't changed.

3. do whatever else is necessary to be fully present

4. ask for what we want to hear. I wanted to hear that w2b/W wanted me to visit/be at home, for example, and she would have told me so if she had known.

all I really know is that my w and I think these steps would have worked for us. maybe some variation will work for you

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:44 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you. H has always traveled a little for work, but the past 8 years it has been anywhere from 10%, to 50%, usually around 25% I guess. It is international travel, so very disruptive. He started his affair via email while away on a trip, and while the A was here, his time away gave him "him" time, which he largely devoted to email convo with AP. It was only 2 months out of the 8 years, but it is a trigger for me as well.

I think the bigger issue is what sisson spoke to though, which is that it disrupts intimacy, and there is always the "reentry" period when he gets back, as well as the hard week before he leaves. We have both kind of figured out it just isn't doable for us anymore - at least the international part. So, he is actively looking for an new job. I know this doesn't help, but I think it is just too hard. Now, H agrees.

But if you have to do it, I think sissoon gives great advice, and we have found Skype or the equivalent works well, too.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies.

No. Another job is just not possible. As it is, he just took this job and it took him away from OW which was a plus. And, it is the most highly sought job in his field right now. It is such a bonus for him career wise. It also likely secured a more stable environment for him through the retirement age. These are all pluses.

I find that I am a royal bitch now every time he returns from a trip. I truly don't have any fears that he is unfaithful now, but the travel thing is such a trigger.

I so get this. I really do well the first two days, but by day 3 bitchrella comes out and although I try to contain her, she arrives. Then when he gets home I ask questions that I just will not like the answers to and so the cycle begins.

Heck, the kids and I travelled WITH him to a conference last week, and I got pissed off.

And I so understand this. I have not traveled with WH yet but will be doing so early next year. I KNOW I will be pissed off because I will witness first hand the bad behavior I imagine to exist. Somehow I have to prepare for this and try to ward that off as well.

1. upon greeting each other, take time to acknowledge we both want to be together and really take in that we are together.

2. acknowledge our feelings toward the other haven't changed.

3. do whatever else is necessary to be fully present

4. ask for what we want to hear. I wanted to hear that w2b/W wanted me to visit/be at home, for example, and she would have told me so if she had known.

These are some really great suggestions, Sisoon. Thank you. #2 would be a good thing to hear, I think.

I think the bigger issue is what sisson spoke to though, which is that it disrupts intimacy, and there is always the "reentry" period when he gets back, as well as the hard week before he leaves.

You are right. It does disrupt intimacy. And I almost spit out my coffee over you talk about reentry and the week before. That time period, before and after, really becomes a problem when the travel is frequent. Our relationship is like a yo-yo or very bi-polar. Really, really good when he is home and really, really bad when he is away or just home.

Our MC has recently suggested that the job could destroy our M. I think it is possible. It scares me, but I am also coming to a spot of acceptance about this as well. It may be that we can't resolve it.

Lately, I started reading codependent no more. That has been a huge lightbulb. Also, in the last two weeks, I have taken back control of my life. I am in a wait and see period now to see if this will have any impact on me as well.

Thanks for all your thoughts.



Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1497 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokensmile))) you're not alone in this struggle - there's a whole thread in the I can Relate forum for us: http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=526482

So many good tips have been shared already, but it's.just.hard.

WH travels about 50% of the time and that's of course, where his As took place. I start to withdraw a day or two before each trip and finally calm down a day or two after he gets home. Unfortunately, at that point he's usually packing for the next trip.

We talk often, we text, we've started using facetime at night and all of that helps, but I check the phone bill and email too often. I'm terrified to let my guard down.

Like you, it's not that I think he is up to no good while he is gone, it's that I was so blindsided by all of this I'm trying to be sure that I never face this again. (like I really have control of that )

in the last two weeks, I have taken back control of my life
This is key and I think it will bring you great peace.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2013
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken,
Triggers just suck. But I have to tell you, my husband did change jobs, he does something completely different and I still trigger just the same. This new job brought different triggers as it involves shift work and he is gone during the night a lot.

I just try to remind myself that it doesn't matter where they work. If their boundaries are strong, we can get through it. The time apart for us is difficult. The more disconnected I feel from him, the more I trigger. That I think is the problem. And some things we just have to let go...like the work environment...all this team building stuff that creates situations that we healthy people know just blurs lines that shouldn't be blurred. We will never change that so we continue to make sure our own boundaries and lines are strong.

So when a whole week goes by and I have only seen my husband as he sleeps and I leave for work or vice versa, I remind myself that he has done huge amounts of work on himself, and when we get to spend time together, we really have to connect again. And we talk about all of this constantly too. ((Broken))


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Travel--when that is how/when your WS acted out before--is painful. My SLAWH is away 50% of the time. Once upon a time, he was a military officer and traveled even more (well, for longer periods of time). That wasn't a problem, though, because although I missed him, I didn't worry about him. Night and day different.

Some of the coping methods we've developed are to stay in touch as much as possible. When he's traveling, he's usually at least a time zone AHEAD, so I wake to sweet morning texts. He sends me funny stories, timelines, links to news articles, etc. during the day. He calls or skypes or Facebooks. We do whatever we can to lessen the DISTANCE that can happen when spouses are apart.

Often--again, there is no routine to this--we do something special together the day/night before/after he leaves/arrives. Does that make sense? Maybe it's dinner. Maybe it's a treat. Maybe it's a TV series we like to watch together (so I DVR it and we watch it when he returns). Maybe it's to sleep naked (not for sex but for intimacy and closeness). Maybe it would be a weekend getaway.

On my part, when he's away, I launch into projects. They tend to keep my mind focused more than just the same ol', same ol'. And I feel accomplished. Plus, it's nice to burrow into an activity without feeling like I'm neglecting our couplehood. Recently, I've begun to "reward" myself and our kids when he's gone longer than a few days and we'll pick a night to eat out (nothing ultra expensive) or go to a movie (no treats). Again, while he's having new experiences (and watching movies on flights or going to games/cookouts/dinners with friends), so are we. It helps me not to feel bitter or neglected or martyrish.

On his part, he's begun to buy me souvenirs. Gifts are the least important love language for both of us, but since he bought "her" gifts, that has jumped up higher on my list. But I haven't decreed it, so it does mean a lot that he's thinking about me when he's gone. A few months ago, it was hand-made soap from a New Mexico reservation. Last night, it was a pair of Orioles earrings from a baseball game he attended in Baltimore. Sometimes, if he's near a military base, he'll pick me up some cosmetic item that he knows I like.

Good luck! And hugs.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His job is MY TRIGGER.

Me too. And it would do no good for him to quit bc his is a very specific skill set and it would just be same stuff, different day at a new company.

My worst day is the first day he leaves. It's like when he's in my presence I can see the remorse etc, but as soon as he leaves that all evaporates and leaves me feeling terrible.

I even hate when he gets dressed for work. I used to think he looked so nice. Now it just pisses me off.

For me, it helps when he makes me a part of things as much as possible. For example, he'll send me selfies when he wakes up or a pic of the sunrise or of how much snow there is where he is. He calls as much as he can, but truth be told, the phone is a trigger in and of itself. He talked to AP for hours at a time and that's pretty much all I think about any time there's a lull in the conversation. This is actually one thing I haven't really told him, since we don't really have any choice except not to communicate.

So anyway, we haven't really found a total solution to this yet either. I have a feeling it's just going to be the dreaded TIME thing. Blah.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokensmile)))

Many good suggestions.

I am sorry for your continued trigger.

My wife is a small business owner. She met her fAP through her work circles.... He and his wife are small business owners too. She still interacts with the business community, mostly men. I still struggle with her business interactions because the obvious opportunities it presented to her and still presents to her. Those opportunities were always there, I was just naive and ignorant.

IF she could do her business without this interaction it would be nice....but what would replace it? She work for someone else? Male employees there. She becomes a full time SAHM? There are full time SAHD's.

Now......I will say that functions where there is a known or high likelihood of the fOM would be she does not go.

I know we are all in pain, but I am grateful my wife does not actively work with her fAP. That must be a particularly tough sitch.

I know families who have quit careers, sold homes, moved half way across the country to get their kids away from drugs......only to find their kids into drugs again .

Ultimately, I pray WS's do the work necessary to keep from "getting back into drugs".

But I really think that a move, like those families did, can be a productive step.

I pray mr brokensmile322 is coming up with and doing things to prove he is 100% back in his M and has a strong desire to find and fix within him that which made adultery a preferred choice of action.


I am struggling with swimming in a similar current. My wife's work makes a difference in people's lives.

My wife's affair taints so much that is good.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:03 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3756 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 13

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