Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Alaska77 (44743)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: was it right to tell BH this?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I was going to work this morning I passed XAP driving in his car. There was no interaction or anything and I don't even know that he saw me, since I have a new car.

I called my BH when I had a chance and told him that I had seen XAP. I thought I should tell him because I wanted to be honest and didnt want to hide anything from him.

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

BS please feel free to respond also!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was entirely appropriate for you to tell him.

No more secrets.

Good job.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happened yesterday to my H . . .

One of the first things our MC told him was that if he even sat at the same stoplight with the AP he'd better disclose it, as chances are someone will see them, tell me, and it will be misinterpreted. Good work!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.

We have this understanding as well. I'm pretty sure he's seen either one of his OW and not told me. Why ruin my day? Doesn't understand why I need to know.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely the right thing to do. That was a terrific opportunity to help build trust.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If FWH saw the AP and kept that information to himself, I would have been really hurt and felt like trust was broken.

I think you did the right thing.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17082 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But now I am worried that telling him ruined his day, and if that hurt him unnecessarily. What have other WS done when/ if they have seen their XAPs?

As a BS, sure I wish my WW would not have to driven past AP but I fully would understand if it happened it happened and would be glad she told me. By telling me, she would have earned another trust coin in the piggy bank.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 473 | Registered: Nov 2012
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think that as hard as it was to hear that from you, the fact that you were willing to share it, knowing that it would hurt, and knowing that you would probably not have known any other way, this was the bravest act and should help your spouse begin to believe that you are serious about healing your marriage.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 469 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it may be difficult but at the end of the day, you came to him with something uncomfortable. This BUILDS trust, if only more waywards would see it this way.
^^^^^This. As a BH whose sbxww worked with her AP, I wanted her to tell me every time she saw him. She never did. Yes we may get upset but every single time you come back and tell us it does build a little trust.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better to over-communicate than to get in the habit of hiding things. Hell, last week, I told my BW why I moved the car during the day.

If I had actually driven past my AP, you better believe I would be on the phone to my wife.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 236 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it would actually be a dealbreaker to me if I found out he saw one and didn't tell me. It would prove that he still can't come to me with that information and is conflict avoiding. thus, not a safe partner for me.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he asked you to let him know these details? I ask because while an awful lot of us BS's would give a necessary limb to have a WS be willingly open and honest like this, there are those who do not want it. So, what really makes this a good or not-so-good move would be what your H says he wants in these situations.

Maybe ask him ?


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3612 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Evil  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I called him to tell him he said he was glad that I had told him and thanked me for doing so.....but I dont know what he thought about the rest of the day, and now he is at work.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Evil  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry.....double posted again

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 4:56 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, good. So if you are worried that telling him when you did might have made his day more difficult, maybe ask him tonight if he would prefer that you tell him right away, or maybe sit down and tell him after your daughter has gone to bed.....


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3612 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well unfortunately I will not see him tonight (he works second shift) but I will ask him tomorrow while he is home.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 815 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. You did the right thing. By telling him that you saw the XAP, of your own volition, indicates that you have changed and that you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication. If you had not told him, chances are that he never would have known that you saw him. But you told him immediately and that provides reassurance to him.

So tomorrow when you see him after work, tell him that you were worried about him and ask how he is doing. By letting him know that you are aware that this incident may be difficult for him will help him move through this. Be willing to listen to him talk if he likes, or ask if he would like to spend some time together.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
introspect
♀ Member
Member # 34040
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally did the right thing. As others have said, maybe ask him when he'd like you to tell him if it happens again (right away versus when you are home and together). My FWH knew it was vital that I know right away about any encounter, for others, it might be easier to wait. Either way, this sort of openness helps rebuild trust.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are placing a high value on honesty and open communication

so true. I've asked my husband for one thing - honesty. Not fidelity - honesty. Because you can't fake that. And it prevents a lot of other issues. and it builds intimacy. And it shows mature emotional health. Integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

Way to go, girl.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,
What you did was perfect! Do not use the excuse that you will hurt him to lie or hide truths. That's what gets so many WSs into trouble. Unless your BS specifically asks you not to tell, you should tell everything. Every time my WS voluntarily discloses info, it brings me a little closer to trusting him again.
You did the right thing.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 308 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.