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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dating....hmmmm
betrayed13yrs
♀ Member
Member # 40343
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo, I think I'm going to start putting myself back out there. I DO NOT want anything serious, but I could definitely use some damn intimacy. That, and it'd be nice to feel wanted. I'm pretty much indefferent toward WH. The anger I do get only has to do with the games he plays using our children; in regards to his cheating and lying, I am over it. I have "known" it was going on for the past 13 years, so if anything I'm relieved that it's no longer behind my back anymore. I honestly pity the poor women he lures.
I was reading that you should wait 2 years after a D is final to start dating, ummmmmm NO. I am definitely NOT waiting 2 years to get laid. Haha. I know that number would probably be a good amount of time for some people, it depends on the damage done and that everyone heals differently and at different paces. I understand that you should wait until the angst and anger is done, but I don't feel angry at what he's done, I'm relieved that it's not happening to me anymore. I want to find out who I am, try new things, enjoy life. If I find love along the way then I won't shun it; but for now, I think I'll focus on my children, myself, my career, and some casual dates here and there:)

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, there is a difference in wanting to date and wanting to get laid. Getting laid is easy, takes minimal effort and doesn't necessarily involve emotions. Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, there is a difference in wanting to date and wanting to get laid. Getting laid is easy, takes minimal effort and doesn't necessarily involve emotions. Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.

There's also a difference between wanting to date and wanting a relationship. FWB/FB isn't for everyone, and certainly doesn't ensure against emotional entanglement. As long as she is honest that she isn't looking for anything serious I don't see the harm.


Posts: 3259 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Advertise for a fuckbuddy and keep it simple until you are ready for an actual relationship.

The big problem with this approach is that it just adds way more baggage to your already complicated life. With each new partner comes a new bond that needs to be broken and more hurts as you will inevitably become attached to some along the way.

Be very careful out there. What starts out as fun and casual can oftentimes end in tears and misery.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
betrayed13yrs
♀ Member
Member # 40343
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not a fuckbuddy type, as good as it sounds. If something along the lines of a fuckbuddy were to come around and I genuinely didn't have an attachment that'd be great; but advertising for one would make me feel a bit cheap. LOL

I know that there is always the possibility of getting attached. I'm looking to casually date. Certainly if something real comes around I will not push it away, you never know when "real" love will happen by you. God knows that what I had before was not real love. If I eventually fall in love with a great guy, FANTASTIC!!! If not and I have some fun casually dating, that's fine by me as well:)


Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, if FB is done correctly, then you really do not have to worry about emotional entanglements. It's when people cross the line and start bringing "relationship" behavior into the mix that the problems and emotions occur.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
betrayed13yrs
♀ Member
Member # 40343
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious...How exactly do you date? LOL
I've been out of the game for a bit. I was thinking of perhaps the online thing. Otherwise the only real option is bars, and I WILL not meet a man at a bar.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to casually date. It didn't work for me, really. I met some nice guys, but didn't want a relationship with them, and it got awkward fast, because I wasn't looking to sleep with them either. Be sure you know your limits, before you meet someone, if you're being honest with yourself about not wanting a relationship (if you're lying to yourself because on some level you know it's too soon for you to be really dating but want to do so anyway, well, I can't help you there).

How many dates will you go on with a guy before you end it? How far will you go physically without some sort of commitment or exclusivity in place, since you don't want a FB or a relationship? How long must you date someone to find your own magical place between those two things you don't want where you're comfortable sleeping with them? What do you plan on doing when you start feeling attached to someone even though you know he's not up to the standards you ought to have for yourself?

Just make sure you've thought through this stuff before you get enmeshed and hurt some nice guy who really likes you just because you want an ego boost but don't have what you need to actually invest in someone right now (and I agree that at this point in time, you probably don't).

ETA: I say this all from personal experience and mistakes I made along the way. It's not just random. Please learn from my mistakes instead of repeating them.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:00 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP sometimes marry each other so why not date?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Stbx jumped right into a new committed relationship and is already talking engagement and blending families and the divorce is still pending. I choose to wait, but everyone's different. She introduced her bf to young kids within 3 months of meeting him once papers filed. Not my method and my moral compass feels it's adultery, but see you later is my thought. Over 20 years invested, kids in therapy, so am I but it's all going to be fine. I have had opportunities, but I'm not interested yet in introducing anyone new to my girls. I also don't have the energy and feel it wouldn't be fair to me or the new interest. Live and let live. If you feel ready jump. I have read it is best to wait until after the divorce is final, but everyone is different. I couldn't cheat, but she could go figure. Good luck I say.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 8:37 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every situation is different. My STBXH had a LTA. I didn't know about it though. Therefore, I didn't have the time to process it.
You state you knew. You went on that rollercoaster for a very long time.
If you are at true indifference and are only mildly irritated by his antics, sounds like you are a lot closer to being ready than most.
I know I'm not ready because I still cry from time to time and I don't want to bring that grief into something new that is supposed to be happy.
And, when he does stupid stuff, it still frustrates me to no end. Not that mild irritation like swatting a fly that I strive to get to.
If you aren't hurting anymore, then you know it.
Having known about the A for a much longer period, you may have reached indifference a long time ago and healed.
Just be careful, maybe dip only the toes in to check the waters.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The AP sometimes marry each other so why not date?

Because the last people you should learn from or imitate are cheaters. Just because cheaters are stupid enough to do it doesn't mean you should go out and date asap. Most cheaters can't be alone because they need the external validation and constant ego kibbles. Hardly a healthy example to follow (and I promise you very rarely, if ever, a healthy/good relationship.)

Amazonia had some very wise advice.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's science. When a woman is with a man, she physiologically forms an emotional bond with him. He doesn't do the same in return. Guard your heart, darling. I know, I'm getting pretty darn lonely too. But, the aftermath of FB behavior is not a pretty sight. In fact, it will only make things worse.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 13

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