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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how to break victim/bad guy roles
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rough day today, 6m since DD that the 1A was actually 4As...I started off the day terribly with very graphic nightmares, spent the morning trying to block out mind movies, then had a not so enjoyable lunch date with H. I asked about how his IC went yesterday and she apparently told him that she does not think we'll be able to R at this point. We are living in the same house, having many enjoyable times together, and more loving and open then ever, but I am suffering from PTSD and having a hard time seeing the 'good' in anything right now...I feel like my na´ve happy do unto others bubble was burst. I know that he is doing everything he can to prove he has changed, but I'm still grieving and I go through the whole rollercoaster daily...it still feels overwhelming to think that this will have always happened.

I think my biggest issue that is dragging us down is the fact that I'm relating everything to the As, and taking shots at him because of it or talking and obsessing over it more than I need to be (part of the PTS). For eg he'll say something to me that has nothing to do with the As and I'll find a way to manipulate it and make it about them. I hate that I do that, and I do not agree with IC that we won't make it because of this (she also told me 1m after finding out that I was painting tar on the marriage by bringing up the As, so I take her opinion with a grain of salt.), but I do feel like there's this victim and bad guy dynamic in our marriage still and I know that isn't healthy for us in the long run. He is always open to talking to me about my emotions and the As, but when I get hung up on the physical aspects I get angry and he doesn't know how to cope with my anger (nor do I). How can I stop trying to take petty shots at him when I'm feeling angry, victimized or in pain?


Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
betrayedhusband
♂ Member
Member # 38443
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have a profile and I didn't get a chance to read your other posts. Based upon your registration date I assume Dday was recent.

Regardless, you are the one to determine if you want to try to R if your WS is willing.

One of the biggest challenges for me in R when we get into a disagreement, I will not allow myself to throw the A back at my fWW. We discuss the A and its affects on me/us whenever I feel we need to talk about it, but never as part of another disagreement.

I feel that if I allowed myself to do that, we would never heal from this. It is just too easy to go there.

You have a lot of healing to do. You need to talk with him and discuss your feelings. But try to do it calmly. This is a very difficult subject. He needs to accept that you will be emotional from time to time. But you should eventually be able to discuss in a calm and clear manner.

Counselors make mistakes. They are not always right. Read some other posts and you will see similar comments.

Best of luck!


Me BS 48
Her fWW 47
Married 24 yrs
Together 30 yrs
DDay 16 Jan 2013
EA 9 months & PA 1 month
Children 2 young adults
Working through it
"Character is what you are when no one is watching"

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do this EXACT same thing....Im sorry your going through this. I dont really have an answer as im figuring it out too. I just went 3 WONDERFUL days of all smiles, feeling normal to a super low today.

(((hugs)))




Posts: 270 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, that is some great advise. I need to figure out how to make my profile still.. DD was July 2013 of 1A and Oct 2013 that it was actually 4As. I think I am still having a hard time dealing with my anger/rage when I get the physical images in my head and by pushing it back and not dealing with it, it's coming out as resentment or snide comments instead. I need to take up kickboxing or something to get that anger out! haha I just feel like I'm this weak, moody thing now and I've always been the 'hold your head high and be positive' type...it's been a huge reality check!

His IC has some pros/cons, she seems a bit old school man of the house mentality and when I've seen her as well I did end up switching to a different one, who I love. But she's the 3rd one he's been to (first two didn't fit for specific reasons we discussed)so I have not pushed for him to switch again, as he's found restarting with new ones exhausting. He's been with her 6m and she does have some valid points and suggestions, I just didn't feel her speculation yesterday was warranted so it angered me. On the plus side he is being referred to a psychiatrist to deal with some unresolved issues that IC feels were the root cause of his behavior.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dtermined...thank you, sometimes it just helps to feel like its not just me....I appreciate it!

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@sunvalley I do it too! So you are def not alone! I call it my word vomit that I spew out at him and it didn't matter what we were talking about, I would always have some nasty comment. It would just come out-I couldn't stop it! It was almost like I was making sure he didn't think he was off the hook by any means because I was having a "good day" or a "good moment". I have been better and now I try to give myself a few seconds to think if its really necessary to say it out loud or keep to myself. Still do it--just not as often

Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, lostinthesouth. Yes, it's like my mouth is open and saying the words before my mind processes whether they're appropriate or not. Usually I have a very good filter, but ever since this I don't think there's much of my 'normal' mind processing my day to day life anymore! I'm not saying there aren't times he deserves the comments if he says something really insensitive or something (never purposely though, I think he's scared of saying boo to me at this point!), but sometimes it's just like I have to remind him 'hey, still hurting here' and he's only talking about what we should have for dinner.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he's scared of saying boo to me at this point!

this--mine too!! ^^^ are we married to the same person??


Posts: 98 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point I've come to realize anything's possible! lol

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first step to correcting unwanted behavior is recognizing it. You've done that. Now it's going to take some effort on your part to filter your words. Sometimes you have to just do it and the brain will eventually catch up with and you won't have to think so hard about choosing your words eventually. In other words, be very mindful at all times when speaking with your H and make a point to determine if what you are thinking of saying is necessary for your healing and what is your motivation for saying it. Being mindful of our motivation for doing and saying things can be a great starting off point in so many aspects of our lives.
(((Sunvalley)))


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, that is so true about being mindful...its the same process IC worked on with me to stop obsessing about the As...it just didnt dawn on me that I should bedoing the same with this. Its amazing how much our minds go off on their own at times...Ive gone hours processing without noticing before...its like training a puppy at times...constant reminders!

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my biggest issue that is dragging us down is the fact that I'm relating everything to the As, and taking shots at him because of it or talking and obsessing over it more than I need to be (part of the PTS)

I do this too and I feel like a real bitch. It's not good. The A really messes us up and it takes a ton of self control to filter what we say, how we say it and when we say it.

Those cheap, petty shots are not helping anyone. My Mom used to always say, "think before you speak." It's simple advice but very hard to follow in the heat of the moment when you are hurting.

One of the wonderful things about SI is that by reading other posts we can get help for our own situations and this thread has really hit home for me. I need to take a step back and watch what I say to my WH. I don't want to be a bitch. Really.

(((sunvalley)))


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree this is not healthy in the long-term, this is your reality NOW. Your last DD was in October. You are still processing and learning more details. Your mind movies and obsessive thinking will decline.

I went through the same thing. Constantly obsessed with my fWS's affair only to learn 8 months later he had a 3year EA with one of my best friends. I get what you are feeling. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your defences, quite naturally, are up. You are probably asking yourself, "what other As has WS had and not disclosed"?

My second DD was mid-November and only now am I letting my guard down, a bit. Still fearing more disclosure, but nee ding the full truth to move on.

I would say that it does get better. It just takes time and patience with yourself. I think you need to allow yourself to feel these feelings. Otherwise stuffing them is going to prove disastrous for you and for your partner laters


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2013
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You lowlow. I do feel its all out now. Dd#2 was Oct for me and he finally stopped the TTs and let it all out. I know Im expected to go through the emotions right now and Im not ignoring them (anymore) but I also dont want to use my pain as a way to hurt him further...it wont help anyone. I know he needs to see me hurt and angry even, but I dont want to be mean angry. I feel like I did well today...first day in a while it felt lighter. When i got angry tonight I walked away and went to bed so I could do my meditations instead

Posts: 413 | Registered: Mar 2014
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayedhusband wrote:

One of the biggest challenges for me in R when we get into a disagreement, I will not allow myself to throw the A back at my fWW. We discuss the A and its affects on me/us whenever I feel we need to talk about it, but never as part of another disagreement.

I feel that if I allowed myself to do that, we would never heal from this. It is just too easy to go there."

Boy this is so true for me as well and I just experienced this recently. I do NOT want to do this and it is good to hear others struggle with this as well. I had too much wine the other day and just this thing happened and I felt so ashamed...what can I do...pick myself up again and be careful...try to stay true to who I am and want to be...THAT has NOTHING to do with WS affairs....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 263 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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