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Newest Member: chewiejax (45435)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need some quick advice on a new guy
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I'm worried about my picker I guess

I am too.

This guy has some flags flying.
*Stopping by* somewhere doesn't require that the stopping-by place have hot water. He invited you to hang out with his friends.....and then he didn't, kwim?

You and your friends were in the same area as him and his friends.....and it seems that he made the effort to keep the two groups separate. That is a flag. The fact that your friend made a negative observation about him is a flag.

I think you should have a "look dude, wtf?" conversation with this guy.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yikes.

He made plans with you and didn't even bother to officially cancel. You had to call him to find out that you were being flaked out on. That is so inconsiderate of your time.

Then when you made plans to be in the same place he couldn't even introduce you to his friends?

The way I see it if this guy does keep dating you, you will be so miserable in a year you will look back and wish you had bailed at this waving red banner.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, he did keep the groups separate. It was awkward. My friend was sort of awkward too though. She brought a guy with her that I met for the first time. They kept going off alone and leaving me with him. I think maybe him meeting my friends for the first time and me meeting his friends for the first time may have been too much for one day. I want my next relationship to be one where friend groups mix though. So I'm going to keep my eyes open and take things slow. We added each other on Facebook last week, and I did some research on him. There was a post by his mom in June 2013 about his engagement. He is not still friends with the girl on Facebook. So I wonder why happened with that, but we haven't talked about exes yet. Seems soon for him to date again, but I'm sure he could say the same thing for me.

I have a date with a second guy tonight. I'm going to tell him that I don't want to see him again. He's too attentive, which I see as a red flag. He told me after our second date that he was only seeing me because I'm all he wants in a girl. I had to explain that it was too soon for me for that. His eagerness has reminded me of my ex, which is a turn off for me.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jul 2013
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's too attentive, which I see as a red flag. He told me after our second date that he was only seeing me because I'm all he wants in a girl. I had to explain that it was too soon for me for that. His eagerness has reminded me of my ex, which is a turn off for me

Too attentive? Please explain. What do you want?


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean.The guy before The Arse was too attentive (staring into my eyes the first time we met etc etc). I felt so special, but it was actually toxic. He was probably NPD/BPD lied pathologically,cheated and punched something just past my face...

Too intense too quickly red flag for me too.

But so does being stood up. The Arse stood me up in a similar way, not quite the same, but i thought we had plans (because he made plans to meet with a group of friends & go out). He was too busy being KISA to a (female,of course) friend to turn up...but managed to talk me round.

Being stood up red flag

Now I know your guy didn't actually stand you up...but he didn't seem keen either, did he? More of, oh well if you're here anyway...And he did't communicate with you. That's a massive red flag too - do you want a LTR with someone who won't communicate?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1074 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess by too attentive I really mean too eager too soon. Things with my ex was like a fairy tale. We were exclusive on the third date, he said I love you after about two months, he always wanted to see me, and he told me I was perfect. I fell hard for it. I now realize though that it wasn't really me he loved. It was more the idea of me. So when this second new guy told me that I was everything he wanted in a girl on a second date, that's a red flag. He doesn't really know me yet. He just seems too eager to be in a relationship I guess. There are other red flags too. He talks about the girls he works with way too much, and they do things like hulu hoop competitions at work. Poor boundaries.

I'm not sure whether the beach guy would have stood me up or not. I ended up texting him my plans around 10:30. We have kept things light so far, with no serious conversations. Should I say something it, or just keep my eyes open going forward?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because we have similar timelines and I don't feel ready to date yet (though I do think about wanting to be able to)...are you sure you're in a place where you are doing this for the right reasons? Have you really fully processed what happened or are you just trying to ignore it by 'moving on'? There is nothing wrong with taking some time to be truly single and going on a dating hiatus for a time, focusing on just you and your friendships. That way you will have more clarity about your picker when you get back out there (because this guy is not firing on all cylinders based on the beach day).


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm gonna say, chill.

You're just dating. If you enjoy yourself while you're with this guy, keep dating him.

If you're not having a good time, or you are too anxious about the relationship, stop dating him.

Whether you keep dating him or not: Hang with your friends. Go out with other guys. Spend time by yourself.


Dave Barry usually annoys me, but this column cracked me up, and it's apropos to your sitch:

http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2008/05/difference-between-men-and-women-in.html


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 877 | Registered: Sep 2012
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No man who is ready for a healthy relationship wants a woman who is sitting around waiting to hear from him to decide her plans. She makes plans and if he asks to see her and makes definite plans in a reasonable amount of time she sees him. Otherwise you should be busy living your life.

I know you already contacted him and now he's wishy washy. I say don't put your eggs in this basket.

It is not game playing. It's having respect, boundaries and your own life. If you want to know if a man is interested let him contact you and set up plans that have times, meeting places etc. Not let's just hang out sometime.

The women I see who constantly concede and give in and contact first, don't seem to stay in stable, healthy relationships.


Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like beach guy had another romantic interest amidst his friends. If this is the case, it shouldn’t be a big deal since you aren’t exclusive, but he still gets a red flag. Avoidance and not following through are sketchy behaviors, and the water thing is a really bad excuse (lie). I’d be inclined to trust your friend’s judgment. If you do keep seeing him, proceed with caution and hold him to the same standards you hold yourself. Multi-dating doesn’t make people dishonest, don’t let that excuse his behavior.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because we have similar timelines and I don't feel ready to date yet (though I do think about wanting to be able to)...are you sure you're in a place where you are doing this for the right reasons? Have you really fully processed what happened or are you just trying to ignore it by 'moving on'? There is nothing wrong with taking some time to be truly single and going on a dating hiatus for a time, focusing on just you and your friendships.

I was on a dating hiatus actually, without intentionally meaning to be. I just had zero interest in dating. I turned down several guys. I don't mean this to be conceited, but I've probably been asked out by around 8-9 guys in the past 4 months. Zero interest. I wasn't actively looking, but I met beach guy and liked him. If I'm completely honest, probably not 100% ready to date. But I'm ready enough that I won't be upset if it doesn't work out for whatever reason. I've been officially single for about 4 months now, which doesn't seem very long I guess. But I feel like I've been single since October, when we did a 30 days NC thing. I think I started pulling away at that point, and I think everything in November and December was more about my own issues in being the "bad" guy versus my actual feelings for him. But I'm still dealing with some triggers, like being stood up. So probably not 100% ready, but I kinda want to see where it goes with this guy too. Not because I feel like I have to have a guy, but because he's the only guy that has made me feel any interest in a long time. The thing I like about him is that I'm just myself around him. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be something else, and it's fun.

No man who is ready for a healthy relationship wants a woman who is sitting around waiting to hear from him to decide her plans. She makes plans and if he asks to see her and makes definite plans in a reasonable amount of time she sees him. Otherwise you should be busy living your life.

Yeah, I came to this conclusion myself last night. It's early, and we're not serious. I actually enjoy being single, and being able to make plans without considering anyone else. So I'm just going to enjoy life, and it'll either progress or it won't. Either way I'll be fine.

I did talk to beach guy last night, and I think he was just nervous. He made a comment about all my friends being attorneys, and asked me if they approved of him. He also said that his friends thought I was cute, and wanted to get to know me better another time.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jul 2013
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely detest being in that kind of situation! Is the plan happening, or not? Should I make other plans?, etc. My boundary around that is there has to be a firm plan in place a few days in advance otherwise I am making other plans. If someone cares about my wellbeing, and me having a relaxed, good time, they make decent plans in advance, where I don't have be calling or texting after them to know what I am doing the next day or that afternoon.

My read is that this guy is too wrapped up in his own head to be caring and considerate enough to be a good mate. His insecurities about being around lawyers is lame. Man up, for god's sake and get over your insecurities enough to be a kind and thoughtful companion!

I'm glad you have a healthy life of your own and can make your own fun plans.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1st guy - there was someone amongst his group of friends that he did not want to know about you. Red flag.

2nd guy - too fast, too soon = red flag.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3427 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1st guy - there was someone amongst his group of friends that he did not want to know about you. Red flag.

Maybe... He invited me to go about 2 weeks beforehand, and brought it up several times during those 2 weeks. The whole thing confuses me, but he's back to being normal/attentive again


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 34
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