My MIL txtd me sayg that i should stop tellg the family our personal business and that its gettg around.
I feel bad that now more people than intended are aware and that may make me, H or the marriage look bad. Now i am tryg to reach those who i told and nobody is returng my calls or txt. I feel cast out and i havent told H yet. I think he knows - mayb somthg got back to him.
I am so upset w myself. Like why did i have to go and say anythg??!! I already know its not the best idea to tell ppl abt your marital issues, esp the inlaws. i keep making things worse with my attempts to make myself feel better. Thanks SI.
Your in-laws are your husbands family. Their first loyalty will always be him. You can care for them, even have a good relationship with them, but at the end of the day he should and will be their first priority. That doesn't mean you should feel bad because they know. This situation is on him. The fall out from it is also on him.
As far as telling your own family. I honestly wish I hadn't. I left the house and slept at my parent's house for D-day. I told them what was going on. When we decided to reconcile I had to have a meeting with my parents to put my father in check about the whole situation. No one likes having to do that kind of thing. Now when he asks how things are going with counseling I feel uncomfortable and just say "We're working on things."
At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is best for you, and if you are going to reconcile, what is best for your marriage. No one can tell you definitively what that is going to be. We can only echo our own experiences.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Actually eating, drinking, sleeping, and breathing pretty well suck up all the energy you might have at all for now.
You'll have lots of moments that will challenge you to not always do the perfect. We're only human. And also lots of times you did do the right thing at the right moment.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:51 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]
I cant even believe this is my life right now
Thank goodness i hav an awesome MIL. I realize that he is her son and he comes first for her, but she really is very supportive and objective when we speak.
I need to hurry and speak to a lawyer
So many random thoughts
Gettg dressed, eating and breathg properly ... I never expectd them to ever be the least bit challenging-at least not before old age lol
You can't un-ring the bell, just try to make the best of it until it blows over. And stuff like this always does.
I think the more concerning issue is why you're going to such great lengths to protect your husband. HE didn't think enough of himself or your marriage to conduct himself with integrity and dignity, so why is it YOUR job to try to sweep up after him? HE made your marriage look bad, not you. Not your in laws. Not the gossip. HE did.
Let HIM do the damage control. That's not your job.
You're taking on the weight of his indiscretions and frankly, you have more than enough on your plate.
Be kinder to yourself.
Don't be too hard on yourself, these things happen so easily, particularly when you need to turn to someone but can't turn to your spouse or your own family.
Remember you didn't do anything to your marriage. He did it all by himself and maybe they need to remember that as well.
It's too uncomfortable to get that their son, brother - whatever pulled a scumbag move. They lack to tools to accept things like this.
Be cordial, expect distance to grow and prepare to be abandoned by your in-laws.
Meanwhile, say nothing. Maybe answer questions, maybe not.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Idk why i care to protect him. Mayb bcuz its a habit and i feel it will end up comg down on me so i might as well
He already doesnt love me anymore. This is just another reason for him to turn away. I know he feels betrayd bcuz im his wife and im supposed to hav his back, and here i am exposg him. I am still very raw and emotional abt yhis whole thg and i know its not my fault but i feel terrible
It's really hard deciding who to go to for support sometimes. Family can give a very different reaction to the one expected, and it can be devastating when they seem to back the wayward ..but it's hard for them to take it in too initially I guess. I wanted them to take him to task and give him a piece of their minds, but we cant control someone elses actions and i quickly realised that even if they had done that, it wouldnt have made a difference to him betraying and leaving us. I spoke to my counsellor about it and she advised minimal venting to his relatives. The trouble is if they don't mirror your feelings it can seem as though they are unsupportive. My best support has been my long term female friends, most especially the ones who have gone through this themselves.
We all say and do things that we may afterwards regret, but it's part of the process. Don't feel bad about decisions made in the middle of such devastation. I've said things in confidence that ended up as public knowledge (amongst his family) but I can't take them back so I try not to worry. You have done nothing wrong. You have told the truth.
BS - separated - no remorse or reconciliation from WH - trying to move on with my life.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
I know he feels betrayd bcuz im his wife and im supposed to hav his back, and here i am exposg him.
He told me he spoke to his uncle but didnt say what all they discussd. I didnt ask. I almost dont care. He hasnt confessd to or acknowledged his A yet so all that doesnt matter at all
[This message edited by norabird at 2:35 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]
But your MiL's response indicates to me that his whole FOO is full of justifying
Norabird, please elaborate
U r right about me tryg to enlist help. Its not workg. My MIL doesnt know about the infidelity, only that i am suspicious
My MIL txtd me sayingg that i should stop tellg the family our personal business
text her back that her son should stop cheating. If he weren't cheating there would be nothing to tell.
And if you want to be snarky ask her why she didn't raise him to be a better man.