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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the kids don't know
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she should know because it is the truth of her existence. It is the reason the marriage is ending. It is the reason Deena has been acting the way she's been acting. I think she should know because it's important human beings see the consequences of hurtful choices.

Human beings are capable of handling incredibly devastating information about their parents or ancestors. When that information is processed in a health manner - openly and without rug-sweeping - then it will not destroy the psyche.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9530 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really surprised at the response.

It made me cry to realize what a spot I am now probably in.

I am still close enough to my 17 yo. Teenage years are tough
She does see how WH is not around much for this family and that when he is he is watching sports on TV. She also realizes that I am the one that she can depend on. They all do. It's like a standing joke that only WH isn't aware of.

Most of the time I am cordial enough with WH. But no tenderness.

It hurts to see how the kids especially the 17 year old may see it as her fault. I never thought of that.
This bothers me the most!!!!
I have thought of her seeing me as the cold bitch, but thought I am the adult that is stuck with this mess and I should be the one who has to deal with it. That she will come around eventually. Once she sees that being separated is what I needed. That I am happier that way.


[This message edited by deena at 4:57 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
don't understand why she has to be told about the affair.
That's really intensely private marital information that shouldn't be visited on a 17 year old teenage girl.

Because she is 17 and presumably not stupid. She will figure it out and if she doesn't her older subs will and that starts a while other round of secret keeping OR sibs telling her and her being mad at her parents for not telling her(or any of them) the truth.

PurpleRose's post reminded me of something. When we sat out kids down for the talk about A/D my 19yo thought we were going to tell them WH was dying of cancer.

Truth.

Advice:

Keep it short and sweet. Stick to facts. Type out what you think you want to say and get it approved by your IC.

Be ready for questions. Answer them with TRUTH.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also thought that keeping the infidelity a secret would prevent my son from resenting his father, but the X caused the rift himself by trying to insert the OW into DS's life after I left. DS wasn't having any part of it.

He still loves his father but he no longer has the same respect for him. Too bad for the X.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20031 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow; triple post

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20031 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:51 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20031 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to thank everyone for their replies.

It is good to hear from people with experience.

This will be a hard thing to do. I am not looking forward to it

It will be like reliving d-day all over again.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's very admirable of you to not want to tell her so she won't hurt. But in my opinion, not telling her will hurt her worse. She knows something is up and she is drawing her own conclusions. She *will* find out the truth. It's not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. And when she does, she may end up angry with you for keeping the truth from her. Being told the painful truth hurts, no doubt. But having things kept from you will hurt much, much worse in the long term. I would tell her the truth. Short and sweet. You don't have to say anything bad about him. Just stick to the facts. Tell her that he made poor choices but that does not make him a bad person, etc. etc.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything ruinedandbroken said.

I've experienced this with my children who were almost 16 and 18 when XH and I separated. Kids aren't stupid and keeping secrets makes it worse. You don't have to give details. I told mine so they would be prepared. I'm glad I did because my daughter walked in on XH and OW at his apartment when he was supposed to be out of town and she was asked to get his mail from his apartment.

The truth is better than them going crazy wondering, worrying, trying to figure out what's going on. It won't be easy but I think it's the right thing to do.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7468 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you again for your advice and support.

It means a lot to me.

This is not an easy decision.
But I have always been honest and straight forward with my kids on everything but this.
I believe you are all right.
But WH will be very pissed and it may not be pretty. Maybe once everything is settled financially between WH and me would be a better time to reveal???


Thanks again to all of you!!!
And a big hug!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, don't wait, Deena!!! It's absolutely essential that they know what's happening, exactly. Let me tell you what happened in my family. We had a hellish two months post-Dday where I fought with everything I had to keep the news from them, while STBX went out every night to be with OW. It cost me my mental health temporarily. I would have done anything to spare their pain, and my brilliant, beautiful daughter was doing her end-of-HS exams at the time. I loved our family and our home and everything we had built together and saw it as my role to keep that going whatever happened. BUT when they found out - as they did, by accident, when slutty OW turned up at my son's first ever guitar concert... I discovered that they had both either known or suspected everything. They'd been carrying it around as a secret TO PROTECT ME. What followed was a horrible 8 months of false R where I was still desperate to keep the family together, while STBX mooned around playing sad tunes on the piano and eventually went back to OW. When he left on 6 January 2010 it was the worst day of my life but the start of the happiest time of my life. I did what I felt I needed to at the time but if I could do it again, I'd do two things differently. I'd tell the kids immediately and I would also not spend another night under the same roof as my lying, cheating spouse. I'd kick his ass out. I hope this helps you, Deena. In time to come you'll be amazed how those kids rally round you. But they need to know everything, for their health and that of your family. Please consider flinging their dad out on the lawn too.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N0! No, don't wait. You're just delaying due to fear. The longer you put this off, the more damage will be done to your daughter.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9530 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read through every reply, but why is this YOUR responsibility to tell them?


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7468 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miadianna
I first started this so as to hear from others that didn't tell the kids about the A, but it turns out that most told their kids at least eventually. Most have told me it is best for the kids. My WH would not I know so it would be up to me. We are in house separation(which WH is trying to pretend everything is just fine), I have been distancing from WH and DD has noticed and commented.

DD is leaving on a school band trip today, I think it is best then to wait until she gets back. That will give me a few days to think about what to say.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have gotten some good advice. I also was reluctant to tell my kids, even though my therapist advised it. When I told my 16YO, he said it would have been better if we had been up front with him about what was going on and why. He felt he had to snoop to figure out WHY our marriage was on the rocks. Good luck, there are no easy answers and no way of escaping the damage your WH has done to you all.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that he is enjoying every second of his daughter giving you attitude and calling you out on what she thinks is your bad behavior. He will gladly sit aside and watch your relationship with her deteriorate in order to save his own ass. Because he does not care one bit about how his selfishness affects the people in his life.

You don't have to give her all the gory details. But keeping her in the dark is clearly only benefiting your WH.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't lie to your kids anymore. You will lose their trust and your credibility.

He is enjoying you being the bad guy.

Tell them, stick to the facts.

The sense the tension, they know something is wrong, but not what. For all you know, they may think you're cheating, you do not want that.

Please, tell them the truth. Spare them further pain.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was 10 I found my father was cheating and unfortunately I justified his bad behavior because who wants to be married to a lady that is sad 24/7. So for years, I hated my mother for her depression & how it affected our family. Then, when I was 19, my father suffered accident & ended up with traumatic brain injury. Part of his recovery included family therapy and it was then that I discovered my father was a serial cheater & my mother had her first depression episode after discovering his first affair while she was pregnant with my older sister. Needless to say, I have spent every single day since trying to repair my relationship with my mother but a part of me wishes she would have given my sisters & I a chance to the truth.


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3288 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry deena, I just get mad when the BS has to suffer the consequences of their actions concerning our kids and be the bigger person but it always seems that way. It's been nine years and my XH still hasn't told our grown kids he cheated and that's the reason we are divorced. He pretends it was mutual. I told them the truth right away. Having our children go through this is the worst part of it.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7468 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deana,
I was in your shoes until yesterday. Mine are 25, 21, and 19. Only difference is that mine are at college. There were home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and we never told them. The whole idea was not to spoil the holidays and now they have finals coming up but I bit the bullet.
I wanted to do it in person but only the 21 year old was able to fly in for the weekend. I told him about the A and I showed him a copy of the petition for divorce. He is graduating in less than a month but the divorce should be final before that date, hopefully. It will not be a pretty picture at the grad ceremony because my family and WW family will be separated. There won't be a collective celebration because things are still raw. Looking back, they should have been told at Thanksgiving.
He is upset with his mother because she was living two lives. He feels that she deceived he and siblings by acting normal at home while carrying on another life outside for several years.
I informed the other 2 by phone. Now it is done. I also convey that even though they feel betrayed, WW is still their mom.

[This message edited by WestMonroe91 at 2:26 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


BS-59 (me)
WS-48
DD-25, DS-20, DS-19

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