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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When the kids don't know
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. The stories supporting telling the kids just get more convincing.

And YES there have been little remarks in joking about me maybe having someone else. It would make sense for me to have. They see how WH is not there for them OR me. Long work hours 7 days a week and when he is home it is sports on TV. We have a cabin at the lake and he comes out for the day on Sundays.

And I have had many miserable days and am maybe not as close to some of the kids as I used to be, I have thought maybe it is just because they are older.

Crap what have I done.

It is good to get words of experience and wisdom from all of you here. I wish I would have brought this up on this site a long time ago.

Maybe all of these responses should be a staple to read for the new ones here.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is never too late, Deena. Your kids love you, all of them, however old they are. They are ABSOLUTELY the most important relationships you will ever have. They will be there for you and you will be proud to stand in their love. I was amazed. My stbx had acted 'fun dad' so long that I, was cast in the role of 'boring parent'. The love, laughter, joy, hugs,tears and fantastic times we've had since, have amazed me. Your H is the one who has screwed things up, not you. You can have a FANTASTIC life and family with these young people... but open up to them. I know it's hard as hell xxx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks

I really did think I was doing the right thing for my kids

I really did


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((deena))) We all do the best we know how. No one doubts you've done what you thought was best for your kids.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Sad  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my heart, I know my mom kept it a secret to protect us but by doing so she robbed herself of a support system


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really did think I was doing the right thing for my kids

I really did

Of course you did. You're a great mom. There is no instruction manual for this. It's great to be able to learn from each other.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course you thought you were doing the right thing! We all do. The trick is, when you find out that you need to do something differently that you need to DO it.

Don't wait until the financial stuff is settled. If you think things are tense between you now, just wait until things get hairy trying to negotiate the settlement.

Be strong. It will be ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.
I start crying every time I read more responses.

It's a good thing. Lol. It's tears of all the support here.

I still have wavering moments thinking that I am just thinking of myself by telling the kids. But then I retread all of your responses and I know I have to tell them the truth.
I am a hypocrite otherwise. I lost
my trust and love for my WH in large part because of the rugs weeping and part truths.

I told my WH again that I want a separation as soon as possible. Before end of June.
That is step one. Holding my ground and not allowing anymore rug sweeping.

Now some deep breaths and on to the next step of having a talk with dd17 as soon as she is back from her band trip wednesday


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deena-

Stop telling your WH you want a separation. Find an attorney, get a consult, and DO what L recommends.

I know it's hard. I posted here for months hearing what everyone said, knowing they were right, and being terrified of doing it.

Do. Not. Be. Afraid.

It's going to get worse before it gets better. That's the nature of the beast.

You CAN handle whatever is coming. We will hold your hand along the way.

Who is supporting you IRL?

(Edited to correct f'ing to find!!)

[This message edited by nekorb at 12:01 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
jadedheart
♀ Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((deena)))

I have read this entire thread even though it was very difficult for me. You see our kids don't know either. My H and I are in R and he is doing his share of the work on M. He has been ill and I didn't want the kids to know because I was sure he would die young. I didn't want them to remember their dad as the guy who cheated on their mom and checked out of their lives in the last years of his own life. Now it has been 3 1/2 years since DDay. Guess what? His health has improved somewhat, but he will never be truly healthy again. He has severe heart failure and is completely impotent now. The reason I am sharing this with you is it has become clear to me that our two older kids think that I am the issue when H and I have common, everyday marital issues. We do not argue in front of them, raise our voices, criticize each other, or say anything disrespectful. We talk about our issues in a calm open manner, however I am a stickler for certain issues thanks to the A. In the kids' eyes I am very hard on my poor, sick H. Oldest DS has even said such things to me. That is a bitter pill to swallow. If I tell them now about the A they will see their dad as the good guy he is now. He is a much better father to them now than he has ever been. (like you said around the time of the A the running joke in our house was he was not around and didn't really care about anyone but himself) They will not really remember the a-hole he was to all of us during the A. There is so much they don't know. I regret not telling them more and now I have to live with the situation I created. I do not feel I lied to them. I told them right after DDay and have told them a few times since that their father did some really horrible things during his deep depression following his heart attack. He has told them the same and he has offered to tell them about the A. I have asked our two oldest kids if they have anything they want to ask me. They always say no. Our youngest kid is too young for this subject. I have told him that daddy was sick in his body and sick in his mind. He was really too young to understand it at the time and he won't remember it as he grows up I am sure. Our oldest DS has Asperger's and I really think he is still clueless. I think our DD suspects the truth about her dad, but she has never seen the depth of my pain.

My point is your kids are old enough to handle this discussion. Offer them a straight forward discussion. Give them the basic facts and let them ask you questions. Don't offer too many details unless they ask you for them. Offer to talk with them again because after they process what tell them they may need to discuss it further. Don't make the mistake I did and wait until you lose some of your credibility with them. My kids love me and respect me. They know that in a pinch I am the one who will never fail them. However I have to live with their view of me as a wife to their dad. They think I am the one who makes this marriage difficult. They view him as weak sometimes, but also a sick person who has to deal with my attitude. If he dies they will probably resent what they see as me being "hard on him". They won't see that I was holding him accountable for the questionable choices he still sometimes makes. They won't see that he destroyed the trust in our M and I am doing the best I can living with a man I can never fully trust. I wish you luck with your kids and your S. They will see what a strong woman you are and when the dust settles they will still love you and respect you. Sending mojo to you for strength and wisdom as you decide how to tell your kids this awful truth.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never been so moved by replies to any other post I have made like I have been moved by the replies to this post.

This post started out as a reach for someone's ear to bend and a shoulder to lean on because of the hardships caused by keeping pain from my kids by not telling them about their W father.

Boy have I gotten an a** kicking. But in the most gentlest but firm way. Listening to everyone's experience that pointed to the opposite of what I thought was best has been hard.

It is hard to see everyone's pain. Especially how keeping infidelity a secret can actually hurt the kids.

It is also painful to realize how much I have caused my kids pain.
Thinking back now maybe the look in my dd17 eyes wasn't so much anger as pain that her mother can be so cold and uncaring to her father. That hurts.

Jadedheart
It can't be to late for you to tell your kids. Use a lot of the words you just used to me.
You should not be made out to be the bad guy. To swallow your pain and have to care for someone who caused you so much pain must just intensify the pain.
Read your last two sentences.........they are for you too!!!

Let's not cause any more wrong pain for our kids.

It will be hard for me. But maybe now that it is not as painful as it was right after d-day maybe I can be calmer in telling them which I hope will make it easier for them.

((((((Jaded heart)))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deena, I know it's hard, but it's really important. When The Arse left he told them in front of me that he didn't want to live with mummy anymore (they are 6 and 4).

But he didn't leave until 8 months after dday. The children had seen me become a changed person over that time. they felt the tension, they overheard some arguments (tried to hide my pain from them but sometimes got caught out) but not what it was about. Prior to that time, we hardly ever argued.

First weekend The Arse has them, ds6 comes back telling me daddy told him the reason we split is that I shouted at him too much.

Ds6 thought about it some more over the next week or so and remembered The Arse telling them (when I'd told him to leave some months before...except he came back and I caved) that "daddy had hurt mummy very much" and ds6 asked if it was true. I said yes, and that's part of why he left. A day or so later, ds6 asked what promises were made at a marriage. I told him. Then he said that daddy had broke the promises. I said,yes he had.

They do not know he had an A. But if they ever ask,or probe more, I will tell them,in an age appropriate way. At first I was worried about alienating The Arse,hoping he'd come out of his'fog'. But all it did was build barriers between the children and I. Now they know enough of the truth, we're in a much better place and they're not blaming themselves for him leaving.
ds6 has some understanding of why I've been sad now. I wish I told him from the beginning.

Last night I had to tell them that I was divorcing The Arse. It was hard, but knowing (kind of) the reasons really helped them to take it in without blaming themselves.

Having gone through it all. If they were older I would tell them the full truth. Remember, he did this, you're not doing this to him, he did it to himself. Keeping it secret builds walls between you and your children and protects your WS, who doesn't deserve protecting.

And BTW, DON'T tell your WS that you're going to be telling her. He's probably been planting little digs at you in her mind already. If you let him know, he's likely to minimise or gaslight,which would cause her so much more harm than the truth from you.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 10:59 AM, April 7th, 2014 (Monday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dd is 7.She knows he left us for the OW.He didn't keep it a secret.Moved right in with her and shoved her down my daughters throat. I also answer any questions she has honestly.Just the facts.I told my dd how hard I tried to keep our family together.I don't want her to think I just gave up.I tried for her..I tried for all of us.He wouldn't budge.I will not take the blame for him.She will know this is not want I ever wanted for her.Your kids are old enough to hear the truth.They deserve it.So do you.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Mom told me 2 to 3 weeks ago that she was seeking a divorce because you are too controlling and that she was unhappy. But she left out one important item which is the A you just told me about."
As I remember his comment from yesterday when I FULLY informed my 19 year old of the A, the above is almost verbatim. He asked me several questions throughout the conversation.
What bothers him the most is that he feels lied to (deceived) by her because she acted normal at home but had a secret life. I told him the truth that I knew since July and should have inform he and siblings at Thanksgiving.
When the conversation ended, he said "Thanks for telling me."


BS-60 (me)
WS-49
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jan 2014
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling little ones would be so hard. And so brave to do.

I won't tell WH I am telling the kids. He would flip and make a big scene which would make it harder for me to stay strong enough to tell them.

"Thanks for telling me"

This killed me. I guess we think of our kids as kids even as they grow older. We try every thing we can to protect them that we maybe forget that they are young adults who are mature enough to handle some rough things.
I can see how they would appreciate knowing that their parent would consider them mature enough to be able to handle these things.

Since last night I have told my WH a separation is needed definitely
Told a good friend (I also haven't told anyone else)
This friend is a great person and married to a lawyer, from whom I got the name of a good divorce lawyer. I have left a message with the lawyer for a consult.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Deena))) xx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Deena))) xx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
jadedheart
♀ Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena your response to my post made me . It felt so good to have someone relate to where I am with my kids. Thanks for sharing. By posting your own pain you helped me. You also found some truth for yourself and are now moving in a direction that will help you heal. I admire you and wish you nothing but the best in the future. You go girl!


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that others can benefit from this post because it sure has opened up my eyes.

Jaded heart
I am not the one to be admired. All of these people on SI who have replied to my post and turned my head on the right way are to be admired. I am glad that this has helped you!

And truly I have cried at every reply. To hear others pain and what they have had to go thru that is similar to mine is so sad.

((((((SI people)))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this post in case SI'ers reading my "told them all" post would like to read all of the good advice from everyone on SI.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
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