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Newest Member: Dianne23 (45313)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You identified your greatest need, to work on your own self-esteem and confidence. Funnily enough your wife is quite incidental to this goal you have set for yourself. Plenty of nice ladies out there would give their eye-teeth to be cared for by a good guy like you.

However until you put yourself right by building self-worth you risk it happening again. You need some self-righteous anger; express outrage at the way you have been treated. Tell that bitch of a wife that nobody treats JPT in this manner without getting their ass kicked.
You get the picture. Get busy finding out what a great person you really are.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok now: damn straight. Ur right. I gotta stop my pity party and stand for me and the kids. Thanks for the pep talk :)

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also used to b a smoker and am avoiding that coping mech
Don't start smoking again, that is too easy to start and hell to stop.

If you are thinking about it, use Ecigs, they are far better and dont stink like cigarettes and have no smoke. And the nicotine is still calming...though addictive, just not as bad as real cigarettes.

Practice positive thoughts every day, and before long you will be living positive thoughts. Sounds goofy and it is not easy to do. But like anything else, you will get used to being positive.

Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
♂ Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Like everyone else, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. It probably seems like a pat, stupid thing to say- but time is really on your side. Your wife may seem to have walked away without a scratch- but she hasn't at all. Her reputation is already damaged by this, and she will reap things she never knew she'd sown in the years ahead. Nearly all do.

Your fitness and health is paramount, as others note.

One of the best investments I ever made during the aftermath of exposure was a new weight set. I'd lifted in college but dropped off-- but I got a new one after D-Day and just hit it all the time. At first, it was mostly to channel the anger and pain-- but over time, I started seeing the results just in rebuilding my own physique.

That positive feedback loop was so therapeutic -- and it helped restore my own lost pride and confidence. It became an ongoing habit even after it stopped being anger release therapy. My wife and I reconciled-- but even if we hadn't, I felt like a new and better man for having made my fitness a priority.

You deserve to feel like a new and better man, too. Your wife may seem like she gives not one crap for you, but as you demonstrate your strength, confidence and resolve-- she WILL notice. Whether you have the satisfaction of seeing her future genuine repentance, or her shocked look at just how well you've done for yourself since she left, you're worth it, man.

John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
♂ New Member
Member # 42980
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took me 3 months to get strong enough to drop the d bomb. Eat right, work out, take walks, be around people even if it means walking around the mall, start on herbs like st. Johns wart and rhodiola, try going to church services even if you are not religious, being around happy people helps. Do all these at the same time and make feeling better a hobby and commitment. You will come out the other side of this even if it seems impossible right now. You will notice as time passes the different stages your emotions will vo through. I particularly like the angry stage. That faint voice in the back of your head is telling you not to give up and go forward. Good Luck

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43008
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "why" question is killing me too. I can't help but take it personal, even though everyone keeps saying it had nothing to do with me. Hang in there.

Me-BS 38
Him- WH 41
5 kids ages 18,17,16, 8, and 1 (& one little boy in Heaven)
He had a ONS 4/1/14 D-day 4/3/14
Working to R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wytucka: I am at 3 1/2 months and I am starting to come to terms with the fact there will be many unknowns. My WW would never fully explain the depth of affairs, submit to transparency or go to IC. M is dead....currently in D and many questions remain.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justinpaintoday: Just remember this - You are a good man. You didn't deserve any of this. And it's ok to be angry, sad, disappointed. Your WS put you all thru this with this selfish act.

Stay strong, my friend.

Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It gets easier. Just breathe, and get through every minute as it comes.

It takes time, but you can do it. There is support to be found here at any hour, and we've all been there.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Even though you are pained to know that your WW disregards your love and is able to throw away your affection, truly, her ability to do so speaks volumes about her lack of character and your reaction shows your lasting worth.

She does not understand what she's losing. She does not understand your value. But we can all see that value. We can all hear your love and goodness. And she simply does not deserve them.

Is it bitterly painful, and overwhelming in the moments when the wave crashes over you?

Yes, but the wave will past, and you are left standing there, able to stop giving this vampire the affection she no longer deserves and start turning that kindness onto yourself. Give yourself that gift, and you will make it through stronger. And we will be here cheering you on as you take those baby steps toward a better life.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 30
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