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User Topic: Sex after an A
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Question  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a 7 yr LTA with OW. I discovered them, he left her immediately, has NC, and wants to R. I am still on the fence, but he is doing everything humanly possible to convince me to stay. On the days when I do not want to stab him or stay in bed with the covers over my head, I find that I still love him. My problem is this:

Both WH and OW have told me in different ways that A sex was the best, most mind-blowing, horizon-expanding, life-affirming sex they have ever had. Given that they spent time nearly every day for all those years exploring intense, very kinky stuff, I don't doubt them.

How on earth am I supposed to compete with that?! I don't want to be the bland Big Mac that my WH settles for after years of filet mignon. And I am scared to death that he compares us when he is with me, even though he swears he does not.

I want us to be together that way, but can't let go of the idea that I am now inadequate and boring. How does one go about getting your mojo back after this crap?

Does it ever feel special again?

[This message edited by krispy47 at 7:49 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. 7 yrs is a long time. If sex was just about physical intrigue we'd probably all have to hire professionals. I dont think u compete. B open and honest about concerns. Ask what he would like and u. If u are both comfortable then u can explore together.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you've definitely got a stronger stomach than I do to even try. I tried to be with him once the week after D-Day. I literally left the bedroom to go to the bathroom in fear of throwing up. I couldn't get the images of them out of my head. I asked him to move out two days later.

I don't know how you forgive 7 years of something that sounds that intimate. I think you can't even think about "comparing." I think you just have to focus on being comfortable and trusting. If he was that into it though, what's to say he won't go looking for it again???


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have filet mignon all the time , it becomes nothing special
The point is that he chose to have the mac Mac instead

But 7 years !

Hugs to you


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShellyShell
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at it his way: he had mind blowing sex for years, but in the end it wasn't enough. If it was, they'd be together now. No matter how good sex is you still have the other 23 hours of the day. You have to feel good talking to someone, like them as a person, feel you can depend on them, raise children with them, care about them when the hormones are not activated. You want a true companion, a real love. That's you.

If you love the person just having real heartfelt connection during intimacy is enough. Maybe he didn't know that before but he knows now? He thought he needed wild. He found he wanted beauty and love instead? Perhaps the sex life with you is better than the A for that reason.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
sunvalley
♀ Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled with getting the images of them together out of my head when we're involved sexually as well. After discovery of As I went into a hypersexual state where I wanted it all the time...not necessarily so healthy for me. Now that I have been able to cope with my emotions and have some understanding it's harder to block them out and truly enjoy myself and the sex has died off again. I find myself wanting to do things differently, in ways that don't remind me of the AP and that's ok...I try not to be too hard on myself cause it's a lot to overcome and too much pressure! What I think it requires is that you do not compete in any way, but I can understand why you would be left feeling you need to if your insecurities creep in...mine do too. You are not competing for him, he chose you. Embrace that and know that while they may have gone on about 'mind blowing' sex, he still chose you over her so clearly there wasn't much substance there. If you are the one that holds his heart, then there is an intimacy and affection there that no freaky kinky sex can ever compete with...loving passionate sex. Focus on that and ask for his patience, understanding and come up with things that are 'your own' with him - don't try to compete, you'll always question if you are as good as her. Instead try to find things that you both enjoy that won't remind you of the AP.


Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 702 | Registered: Mar 2014
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well sure, you can do kinky stuff that feels good physically, but obviously he didn't have much of an emotional connection or he would still be with her. My WH says that sex with me is much better because he can feel my love for him. How do I show him that? I hold him so tight, and I breath in his breath when we kiss, and I wrap my legs around him. I have told him that I would like to squish us together so tight that we really do meld into one.

I know the OW was a wildcat in the bedroom, but I am much more interesting and pleasant to be around. I am fun, funny and fun to be with. She is gripey and witchy. And I know you are too because he wants to be with you.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I too struggled with. My ws started his A around 2 yrs before.I found out, that was Oct 2009, then went undergrround. He got into things with her that I never knew he was interested in...lots of porn, she even had her videos on pornhub. Apparently he can't cut.her loose, so he hasn't tried like your ws but I can't get past feeling like I wasn't enough. Even if he were to try and go NC and do all the things a truly R spouse should do, I couldnt get past feeling like I was being compared in bed. I don't feel comfortable even getting undressed in front of ws now. My self esteem has,suffered a severe blow. With ws and ow literally telling you about how awesome the sex was, omg I couldn't handle that at all.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5167 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both WH and OW have told me in different ways that A sex was the best, most mind-blowing, horizon-expanding, life-affirming sex they have ever had.

He said this to you? Directly?

I just want to validate how incredibly painful that must have been to hear him say that to you. In that case, I've got to wonder if it's because HE'S not been putting the effort in with you in bed that he should. He can decide that you are going to be his best and put in the effort to make it that - if he won't, then I'd say he's still holding on to the A willfully, and he needs to stop. Does he even remotely understand that he could and SHOULD have been saying that about your sex life?

If it helps you, think of this: you are not inadequate, you are not boring. The problem is that HE'S not choosing to make your sex the best most exciting he's ever had. He's the one not putting in the effort (instead he put the effort on someone else and destroyed your heart and your confidence). It's on him. Let him pick up the pieces of that particular thing he's thrown at you. Let him figure out how to make your intimacy the most mind-blowing.

(I can relate as my H told me once that I'm "better than most", but with several other stories over the years, before and after that comment, made it clear I'm not his best. I finally realized that I put in effort the whole time - he hasn't. He didn't give us the passion he gave others, and that's completely on him, one person can't do it alone, it takes both. It's hurtful and frustrating. He could change it so easily if he just *decided* to MAKE ours the best, like I tried to… sorry for the t/j)


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too. Only in my case it's a large number of prostitutes, all a generation younger than me. I too went into a hyper sexual state after a month of sleeping separately. I managed not to think too much about them, that's gone now - sex has died down, certainly my interest /enjoyment has diminished. There's a feeling that I have to keep up involvement in it though - he blamed his use of prostitutes on my lack of interest in sex (his words). No thought that his activities (porn as well) might have affected our sex life - his interest in me as well as my interest generally.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm another member of the 7 year LTA club, with an added bonus of a concurrent. 2 year LTA.

I think that the sex is enhanced simply because it's wrong. Take away the "secret" factor, and it's not as special.

In my case, the MOW is a blogger. It's funny how she's still living in la-la land and remembers epic sex. Meanwhile, I can see that my FWH is sincere when he tells me it's the biggest regret of his life and wasn't worth it.

I've never felt the need to compete with his memories. I'm sure not going to give BJ's in parking lots or set foot in a seedy hotel. What matters is if they feel remorse. That creates a different perspective of their past. Hopefully your WH will come to see what he could have lost because of his selfishness.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Both WH and OW have told me in different ways that A sex was the best, most mind-blowing, horizon-expanding, life-affirming sex they have ever had."

He said this to you? Directly?

During our initial confrontation, in the hours just after I walked in on them, he told me that "It was the best sex I ever had or will." Since then, post-fog, he has tried to retract that statement, and now claims that love and emotional connection are better. During a different conversation about something else, he let slip the comment about sexual exploration expanding his understanding of himself. He expresses remorse every day, in many ways, but given the number of lies he told me over the course of all those years, I have trouble believing the sudden turnaround.

OW is the one who forced the sexual details down my throat. The day after he broke it off with her, she "anonymously" sent me a link to her Tumblr page, which Included my WH's name in the title and was full of BDSM images and her ramblings about sex with my WH.

In later weeks, she bombarded my WH with phone calls, texts, and emails none of which he responded to. However, when she texted him threatening to confront him outside our home one night when my kids were there, I contacted her to let her know that if she did so, I would make her very, very sorry. In response she sent me more details, telling me that they had "made 50 Shades of Gray look like kindergarten." I've blocked her, of course, but the mind movies are firmly entrenched.

[This message edited by krispy47 at 8:34 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What matters is if they feel remorse. That creates a different perspective of their past. Hopefully your WH will come to see what he could have lost because of his selfishness.

I think he does. He has talked alot about the shame he feels, not necessarily for the acts themselves -- which would have been fine had he explored them in the context of OUR relationship -- but for the A and all of the lying that went with it, and for abandoning his core character.

He cerrtainly is terrified about what he will lose if I choose to D: his kids, his home, his reputation in the community, my extended family (he has one sister), our friends, his Boy Scout troop, our church...

In fact, one of the resaons I am dubious about his reformation is that I wonder if he is ONLY afraid of losing the package that comes with me, not me myself. But that's another topic for another post.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you. Your post hit my most sensitive nerve. I read your profile and I am just so very sorry for your pain. It is so raw.

My WH's A was 2.5 years, but the sex he discovered with her was such a draw, he almost gave everything up for her. Same as you say: his kids, his home, his reputation in the community, my extended family (he has no siblings), our friends, our church... I have been his rock and solid support through some really rocky times. That he considered throwing it all away for her, the monkey sex, and the love he developed for her is a huge stumbling block for me and my healing and recovery. Like you, I don't know how I can ever get past it or if I ever will. I know how it feels to be completely insecure during sex now--never knowing if what seems loving and passionate to you is less than satisfying for him. It's just an awful feeling. His words don't matter anymore. He can tell me how "amazing, awesome, or mind blowing"it is... I don't think I will ever believe him again. He said all these things months before he then told me that the sex issue was the main reason he wasn't sure he could move back in. He didn't ever want to hurt me again, but he wasn't sure he could live without that kind of sex. Now he's back, and once again saying how "amazing, awesome, or mind blowing"it is... How could I ever believe him? Some words, once stated, are seared into your mind forever. I still hope that time can heal, but I'm not so sure...

Just want you to know you are not alone. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I'm still hoping and waiting myself. Yes, my WH is back and committed and giving effort... And we are having plenty of sex. I enjoy it and he says he does too. I'm just hoping one day I'll be able to believe him.

I do agree with the others on that he also needs to work on making our sex life as good as it can be. If he doesn't communicate and work with me on it, then he is blindfolding me for a game of darts and surprised that I can't hit the bullseye.

You are wonderful and loving and deserving to be loved, appreciated, and valued. I hope he can give you all that you deserve. Wishing you strength!

ETA: super sorry to hear that the OW has been such a malicious beotch. I can't imagine the added agony of her kicking you while you are already on the floor writhing in pain. The cruel inhumanity of it is chilling. (((((((Krispy)))))))

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 9:47 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 717 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cerrtainly is terrified about what he will lose if I choose to D: his kids, his home, his reputation in the community, my extended family (he has one sister), our friends, his Boy Scout troop, our church...

In fact, one of the resaons I am dubious about his reformation is that I wonder if he is ONLY afraid of losing the package that comes with me, not me myself. But that's another topic for another post.

He has a lot to lose, so I can see why you question his motives. I would flip things around though -- what do YOU have to GAIN by keeping him? This is what I asked myself in those weeks after D-Day. For me, the answer was just heartache, money, not being alone. It wasn't worth it to me to live with all the pain and sexual disfunction. (He was also apparently into a few kinky things. He said he repressed what he liked when with me, and that hurt a lot.)

You have a tough choice. Focus on what YOU want and can live with...or without. Hugs.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a tough choice. Focus on what YOU want and can live with...or without.

I am. I am. I am. So glad you all are here with me to help.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are only a month out. This is a very long ride. Don't push yourself. Just be kind to yourself and try to heal. You will figure out your path forward over time. Your hurt is so new and so raw. Just please take care of yourself first.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 717 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both WH and OW have told me in different ways that A sex was the best, most mind-blowing, horizon-expanding, life-affirming sex they have ever had.
Seriously, how old are these people? How shallow are they?

I like sex, but at the end of the day it's just rubbing squishy parts together until one or both partners experience muscle spasms. If your life has been so unfulfilling that the act of that biological process is expanding your horizons, I just feel bad for you. Jeez.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2180 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What matters is if they feel remorse. That creates a different perspective of their past.

I wish I could know for sure that this is true, it would make me feel better.

There was a thread about this topic recently---about does looking back @ the sexual experience thru non foggy eyes changes the fact that it was great sex for the WS---my impression of the general consensus of BSs was that looking back at it with a remorseful perspective does not change the fact that it was hot sex.

I am guessing that if the WS feels remorse, or even regret, there may be some shame associated with the memory, so perhaps that taints the memory a little.

At almost 3 years out, I still struggle with this, even tho WH & I resumed our sexual relationship when he moved back home a few months after Dday. My WH, also, told me that sex with OW was the best sex he had ever had.
I still compare myself to OW--- feel very insecure.
And the purity of our marital bed is gone.

How can it ever be ok again?


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Dec 2012
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a thread about this topic recently---about does looking back @ the sexual experience thru non foggy eyes changes the fact that it was great sex for the WS---my impression of the general consensus of BSs was that looking back at it with a remorseful perspective does not change the fact that it was hot sex.

Any idea how to find that thread? I'd like to read it.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 25
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