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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wedding anniversary - how do you feel?
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our anniversary is coming up next month - the second since DDay. Last year I told him he had to organise it all (I had always done it previously). It was not that long out, and I think I was still in shock, wanting him to prove something, wanting to prove something to myself - I'm not sure. I was ambivalent about the anniversary. This year, even more so. I'd be happy just to let it slide past. He thinks it should be celebrated - he senses that I'm not enthusiastic, but when he asked whether I just wanted to ignore it, I couldn't say yes. Feeling really mixed up and (surprise) unhappy. Just can't get positive at the moment.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had 13 anniversaries to get past since DDAY. It doesn't help that our anniversary fell right smack dab in the middle of his A. The only anniversary I can remember is the one during his A. I remember where we went, which tab,e we sat at, and the conversation. He was asking ME if I would ever cheat. Hahaha.

So, I hate the anniversary.

But what I have done is claim Valentines Day for myself. It was out of the A range, and has nothing to do with OW. I plan a big trip for us ALONE every year. We usually go to a beach somewhere and have lots of love and fun. It is the highlight of my otherwise crappy marriage.

Maybe you could find a different Day to celebrate?


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sadjacey))) So sorry for what you are going through.

Our wedding anniversary is just 5 days after D-day, so early in R I felt like you did.

For these special days (and yes, they are still special and should be celebrated), you should try to push ahead, enjoy yourself, and make an attempt to get back to normal; even if it's just for that one day. I know that's a tough thing to do, but it helps to make the current and future anniversaries as pleasurable as possible, which starts the process of reclaiming your wedding anniversary as something special again.

In June, my wife and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary. I have made plans for Hawaii, and we leave on d-day. After 7 years of R, D-day is nothing more than a painful memory. I can guarantee you, D-day (or anything regarding the affair) will not ruin one little thing with the romantic anniversary vacation I have planned. I'm confident my wife will be very pleased.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
jadedheart
♀ Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only 3 1/2 years out but I don't really care about my anniversary anymore. It's just a date. DDay was about 2 weeks before our anni and about 3 weeks after my birthday. He spent both days texting/talking with OW. No texts or calls to me on either date. Just prior to our wedding in 1991 he almost backed out. I thought he just had cold feet and gave him space to sort it out, but he was pining even then for his high school gf,the OW. Sad really that I was that blind and naive for so long, but he never told me about her until after DDay. Now that he is present and accounted for in our M, I think we will have to find a different way to celebrate our milestones. Celebrating the first 20 years of hidden feelings on his part and blind trust on mine really isn't something I am willing to do at this point of R.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is no fucking way. There won't be any celebrating it or Valentines day. I threw my wedding ring in the trash and am here for my kids.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, the wedding ring - there's another thing. I have lost a lot of weight since DDay, so no longer wear rings on the fourth finger of my left hand - they moved to middle finger right hand, now to middle finger left hand. No need to explain anything to anyone else, but when he asked whether it was symbolic I told him it definitely is. Those rings no longer have meaning for me.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the positives HMH. I will try to take your advice.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday was Friday. Our anniversary is Monday. Not sure what we will do, nothing big planned. But at first I wanted to ignore it. We never celebrated our anniversary before so why start now?? But it was never a negative thing. I feel like shunning it will give it more power. So I think we will do something small and maybe build on it. Time will tell.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When WH broke his marriage vows, he ended that marriage. We are trying to rebuild, but celebrating our wedding day makes me want to .

Our Wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks too, & I will not be celebrating.
In 2011 , at our anniversary dinner in a restaurant , WH was texting OW----that was a few weeks before Dday.

If WH wants to acknowledge the # of years of our relationship, is ok with me to celebrate the day we met. But lets not forget that for part of that time, he was not in our marriage, he was in a relationship with OW.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be happy just to let it slide past. He thinks it should be celebrated - he senses that I'm not enthusiastic, but when he asked whether I just wanted to ignore it, I couldn't say yes.

Why couldn't you say yes?

If you're not feelin' it, you're not feelin' it. IMO, this should be talked about. I think it would be much worse to fake celebrating something that you don't want to celebrate. Maybe after taking about it, you'll feel better and want to do something. But if not, don't.

(((Sadjacey)))


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotional honesty is hard for me. And I guess I still don't want to say things that upset him. Pathetic. He is trying hard.....


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how I feel yet. Blah. (I probably need to set up and IC and MC appts. We haven't been there since mid-February. Work has been too busy for me.)

Our 10th anniversary is in a couple weeks and the first since DD. I am actually going to probably pull the kids out of school for the day and head to my parents early for Easter break. fWH has to work nights anyways.

Last year, was in the middle of the affair. We spent the night celebrating with OW, her BS, her mom and her kids. It was her mom's birthday too.

For v-day this year, it was blah too. We went to a high school basketball game to watch his niece. Last year, he spent with OW snowmobiling with our son.

I had my wedding ring inspected for its warranty. (I have to have it inspected every 6 months.) I hadn't worn it for a couple years since I gained weight. Now it is ironic that I have lost almost 30 lbs so my wedding ring fits again, but I don't want to wear it.

[This message edited by myeverafter at 12:57 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my Dday was ON our 18th wedding anniversary. I took the rings off when and threw them at him that night. He gave them to me a week or so later and said when I am ready, I can put them back on. Wednesday is 7 months from Dday, and I still can't bring myself to put them back on, and I know I will NEVER celebrate beginning our life together on our Dday/anniversary ever again. I have NO idea what I will find to celebrate, but certainly that day is forever ruined. Sorry you are stressing over this. SO many things messed up as a result of these betrayals….


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
SoTired011114
♀ New Member
Member # 43014
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay for is was a month before our 3rd anniversary. We didn't celebrate. WH was very upset when I told him that these rings mean nothing and that date means nothing to me anymore.

He gave all that away when he decided to screw me over....maybe one day we will celebrate it again


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 3 years, together 6
DDay: 1/11/2014- internet/phone EA
Status: Giving it all we've got.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2014
AmIenough
♀ New Member
Member # 42988
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally understand all the emotions.
My wh started his A literally right after our anniversary (we took a trip and we were headed home) so for me as much as I would love to celebrate it I just feel kind of numb. All the years past he would always get me something even if it were just a card. This year he didn't get me anything and there was no card. Valentines day is the 14th our ann. Is the 16th there was nothing for either day. Which kind of floored me. I can't tell you how much I wanted to cry because I wanted him to at least try.
This action from the man that now says his love for me is stronger than ever.
Don't get me wrong it's is not about buying anything or even going anywhere special. He could have written something on construction paper for all I care and I would have loved it. But I got nothing except an I'm sorry....
Talk about make me feel like nothing...

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014
Losttransport
♀ Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just another day now. WH still wants to celebrate, but I'd rather just work that day, come home and lay in bed and watch an NCIS marathon. Nothing special there anymore.


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Vickeybear
♀ New Member
Member # 40399
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our 25th is next week. I had always dreamed of a nice celebration for our 25th. I told WH I didn't want to celebrate it at all. Anniversaries are a celebration of committment to the vows you take when you get married. Those were broken, thrown away like a piece of trash. I am just not in a good place to celebrate something that meant the world to me and nothing to him.

As far as wedding rings, mine doesn't hold the special meaning it once did. I wear it only as a symbol that I am still married. Especially after finding out that the OW's wedding ring is identical to mine (only my diamond is bigger)


Me- 43, WH-45
EA/PA DDay 9-9-13 (TT for 4 months)
Married 25 years, together 28
3 children, 18,14,9 2s 1d
Reconciling

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: vickeybear
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know what there is to celebrate.

I had to accept the "old marriage" was ended, why would i celebrate it?

He makes no attempt to make it a special day, i dont see any reason to. And i really think he should.

Meh, just another fun little consequence of infidelity.


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about our anniversary. This year will be the first. He admitted the EA right before our anniversary, and of course was smack in the middle of the PA during our anniversary (texting with her and probably his other AP the weekend we went away together). I'm trying not to look that far ahead, but honestly don't think I want to do any kind of celebrating, especially this first year.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad and ambivalent just about sums it up, Sadjacey.

Dday was March 5. My 22nd anniversary will be on April 25. And I am feeling sick already, knowing that the last six times we have "celebrated", WH was texting his slunt the details of our evenings and planning when to f*ck her next.

We have non-refundable theater tickets, purchased months before I knew about the A. After reading a variety of responses on SI and other forums, I decided to go ahead and attend the show with him. WH is committed to R, and working hard to show me that he has changed. Maybe doing something enjoyable together will help create positive feelings. If we do R, it could be the FIRST anniversary of a new marriage.

And if it turns out to be the LAST anniversary we ever spend together, at least I will remember it.

Please wish me strength.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 51
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