Since I have been boxing up my father's items and getting ready for the auction I have been haunted my my partner's betrayal. To be clear, he admitted his betrayal when confronted and seemed to be contrite. I do not understand why I feel so betrayed right now. He helped with unloading and working on the property for days. I think back to the days when he was wiping vomit from my father's beard, in the emergency room while all the time cheating on me. I am so angry because I cannot understand that someone who hurt and betrayed me so badly could possibly be good for me now.
I do not know what to do and I do not know how to make the distrust go away. He has assured me that he has changed, but my future is so different now. I do not know how to choose the right path. I feel that I will never trust him but I love him very much. I feel so scared and alone. I don't know if I should go on alone or try to make things work. Thee are so many details that I have obviously been missed but I am scared and I do not trust Magic 8 Balls.
The only actions things that I asked him to take as a fallout of his actions was not to do it again, curb his drinking, and seek counseling. I offered to pay for his counseling. I sought a referral from my own therapist who was helping me at the time, called the therapist to set things in motion but by the time he contacted the therapist he was no longer taking new patients. It ended there.
In the meantime I caught him masturbating to pornography several times. Pants down full out... In the past this would not has bothered me as much but after what happened it made me feel like he needed other women to fulfill his sexual needs. It made me feel inadequate and insecure. He says that he doesn't do this any more. And I have not caught him. Who the hell gets caught repeatedly doing that anyway??
The person who told me about his cheating was one of his best friends. I hired him to watch my father's property after he died. He felt guilty for taking my money while knowing that my partner was cheating. He also told me that there was another potential threat that lived in his home town. I asked him about this threat and he denied any knowledge of the threat but after about a year he told me that it was an ex-girlfriend that texts or calls him from time to time. He says that he has not responded to these texts but I do not understand why he would have mentioned them to his friend when he was telling his friend about cheating on me if they were not significant.
I feel so stupid. I have no idea what I am doing. I love him but I cry almost everyday. it's been almost a year and a half and it seems that it will never end. Until recently I had to see the woman that he cheated with twice a month. She works for a company where I did volunteer work for several years. I had to stop my volunteer work there because of this after trying to hang on for over a year. She is fully aware that I know about what happened and even met me after I confronted her. She was married and told her husband about her affair after I found out.
He says that HE was going through a hard time. I was changing colostomy bags at 4am after driving over an hour round trip, driving my father to dialysis, doctor appointments, chemotherapy, PET scans, grocery store pharmacy and on and on, but HE was having a difficult time in his life...
I am so hurt and angry.
[This message edited by SeaWife at 3:49 AM, April 6th (Sunday)]