Truth is, I'd just like a laptop to be able to use,that actually belongs to our family and won't need to be returned. I don't care what he's been doing. I know what he did before he left when he was worried about getting caught. Now that he's been living in privacy without worrying I'll see things...There'll be dodgy stuff on there. That's a given.
[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:31 AM, April 12th, 2014 (Saturday)]
1. This does not amount to acceptance that he has behaved intolerably as alleged or at all
2. In the unlikely event of his conduct being in issue, that I will not rely upon the fact that he has not defended the allegations as evidence that they are true but will seek to prove them afresh
3. My claim for decree costs will be limited to 50%, say, £500 inclusive of tax and court fees
Can someone translate this from legalese, giving me the implications, please?
Don't agree to anything until you run it past a solicitor or legal aid. Here in the US there are programs for people who need help with an L. I hope there are programs in the UK that you can take advantage of.
Hang in there. Bound to be a rocky ride.
[This message edited by Leia at 7:15 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]
...Umm, no. Offering me LESS when I have MORE of a backbone is just
Anyway, as a priest I really don't want to write that letter. Integrity/honesty is important to me. Doesn't that wording effectively say I'm making it up? Plus, for my career/vocation, I need to be able to show that I had biblical grounds for divorce. Why would I jeopardise that?
I have scrimped and saved really hard and have a small retainer to pay a solicitor for advice and helping with the forms.
[This message edited by Softcentre at 7:41 AM, April 12th, 2014 (Saturday)]
The children and I went out for a day together and I found that I was unknowingly grinning from ear to ear. I'm sure a low will hit at some point, but clearly a big part of me is relieved/happy to be filing
I'm discovering how much he manipulated me and crushed my self confidence and trust in myself. If he'd done it aggressively, I would have walked. He didn't do it like that though.
With money, by dday I was in the position of never getting money out myself (he did it as a 'favour' to me), never seeing the bank statements (they were there, but it was 'his' job, so if I asked to look, he looked hurt [implying mistrust of him] and I backed off), he had my internet banking details and I didn't (we went to the bank together, he wrote them down and just...never gave them to me and put me off each time), he had hidden debt (credit cards, I have discovered at least 5 cards to date). Ugh. With my internet banking details, it took a couple of months of MC with the MC pressing him, for him to give me the details. Even then, he didn't actually give them to me.He wrote them on a piece of paper and pout it in his desk drawer for me to find...deliberately putting me in the position to having to admit snooping to be able talk about it.
I now realise that he had been bad mouthing me to mutual friends for some time before the As I'm aware of, with a sad 'I'm a victim' look on his face...but refused to speak to me. He once set me up whilst we were on holiday with friends. He pushed all my buttons (yes, I let him!) and we ended up arguing. I went into our bedroom to cry under the covers so no-one would know. He stayed in the kitchen and did great heaving, loud sobs. He attracted the attention of the one friend in the flat, who comforted him. Thing is. That's the only time he cried in our whole relationship, until after dday. And the only times he cried after dday, were when 1) In front of a female co-worker (suspected EA) after I had rung him to tell him I'd discovered he'd broken NC. He just happened to be crying in a stairwell where she worked and she just happened to be walking up...2) When he finally confessed to a PA to me. 3) Whenever the conversation went somewhere he didn't like. And it was never quiet tears. It was always hulking noisy sobs...in front of an audience. He knew I couldn't bear seeing him hurt and he used it to manipulate me.
He always has to be the victim.
He turned our roles round after dday. Somehow I found myself begging him to stay, trying to convince him to work at things,apologising for everything, working to hard on myself...while he did none of that, but kept threatening to leave whenever I enforced my boundaries or told someone. I did tell him to get out just once. He told the boys he'd hurt me lots. But then he disregarded me and came back an hour later. I couldn't summon up the reserves to tell him to leave again. I wish I had.
He's currently doing the role reversal with the finances. I'm the one living on government benefits, but he's the one implying he has no money for anything and asking me to contribute (he has a very good salary). He's the poor victim . But this time I'm wise to it and standing firm.
I ended up dreading sex. I take my share of responsibility for that - I didn't know how to talk to him about it, I tried, but couldn't make myself understood.
I was worried that he'd act like a jerk about the laptop and I'm glad to see that he didn't. Don't get too elated, though, because I'm sure he's keeping track of that good deed on the 'mental balance sheet' that he keeps in his head.
Also glad that you didn't write that letter he requested. At first I thought that HE was going to write the letter and wanted YOU to sign it and I thought "sure, sign it after you tweak #3"....but then I realized that he wanted YOU to write it. Uh, no.
Anyway. You get to the end by taking one step at a time.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.