[This message edited by Springanew at 12:00 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
What's concerning me is your minimizing of your infidelity. There are WS here who "just" had email/online affairs. Are their spouses "less betrayed" that mine? You hurt your BH terribly. It took me a long time to *truly get* that.
That is part of the problem in the M.
Are you implying that this M problem may have contributed to your decision to "not make out" with bar dude? If you are, you'd be in very good company among newer WW here on SI. Most of us, at least subtly, initially, blamed the M or our BH's behavior *at least in part* for our infidelity. But that is so wrong, and as long as you have that attitude, you're going to continue hurting your BH. For a successful R, you need to accept that it was solely and completely you and your poor coping skills, that caused you to cheat.
And, quit with the language that gives the appearance that you're minimizing what you did.
My best thinking brought me to SI.
My BH initially dove head on into drinking for drowning out the bad feelings. Actually, I think it was more his effort to find a way to sleep. When it got to a point where I was worried about his health and safety I brought it up with our MC.
I feel two ways about my approach. On the one hand I am conflict avoidant. I don't address issues that bother me because I don't want to fight. Additionally I'm still struggling with believing that post d-day I have any rights to set boundaries or expectations. So taking the issue up with our MC was a cop-out. I did not break my pattern by bringing it to my BH. On the other hand, I did not ignore my concern. I did bring it up. I will know that I've made significant progress in healing myself when I can bring my concerns straight to my BH without any middle men.
I don't know if you and your BS are in counseling, but that was a really good venue for me to bring up my concern. My BS is also a member here and he read everything in the healing library. Other BS here encouraged him to stay sober drink lots of water, exercise, meditate, eat healthily, and work on getting sleep if possible. He didn't change his pattern until he was ready, but at least he heard that I cared.
As an aside: this is not an attack, but what struck me the most in your post was the minimizing. Believe me, I know how hard it is to see or accept it in yourself. I'm still struggling with it. The 2x4's I received here were hard to take. But when I go back and read the comments I got at the beginning, specifically the ones I liked the least, they were comments I really needed.
Please stick around and take the 2x4's. I know it's hard, I still hate them. But they are well meaning, and remember, we've all BTDT.
After my confession my xSO began drinking. He'd go out multiple times a week and would drink way more the he ever did. My concern grew and I didn't know how to approach it. I finally did say something and yes he lashed out but he also slowed down. Not sure if it was because I said something or because he was tired of it.
Point is I've been on both sides. My advice is to say something, voice your concerns and then let it go. This must be his decision.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
if a little escapism helps BS cope, and he's not DUI or drinking on the job, or flying into violent booze-fueled rages at you, then short-term I'm not seeing a problem with it.
Not all people with drinking problems behave this way.
I'm an alcoholic and I had none of those things. Never had a DUI, never drank while working, or flew into violent rages.
There is concern when one is using drinking to escape reality. Lots of us start out by using booze to escape reality, I know I did.
Not saying he is an alcoholic or has a problem, but it can be a red flag and can be cause for concern. Nothing wrong with addressing this issue during MC.