To Start go to the Healing Library on the left (above Dr Phils head). Ther are a list of abbreviations used on this site, questions and answers you will definetely have and articles on how to work through this and either heal or part ways.
WARNING: I forgave quickly as well. Although this is noble, YOU ARE IN SHOCK. The one person you trusted more than anything has betrayed you to the core. Recovery from this is a process. You WILL go through the grieving process (all 5 steps). It will take time and lotsof pain.
Please read other posts and post often, we are here to help and have all walked this road.
I can tell you that feeling crazy if normal. We all do, at first. You are going to feel numb, enraged, hurt, broken, sad, hopeful and confused, sometimes in rapid sequence, sometimes many of these all at once. They call it the roller coaster, and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and ride it out. I have sometimes felt like I cannot breathe, but it passes. You won't feel this way forever.
Please do alot of reading on the forums and in the Healing Library. It really helps to hear from others who have survived this before us.
Also, I would suggest you NOT make any decisions about staying with your WH until after you've done some reading, and after you've had a chance to process what he has done to you and how you really feel about it.
The general consensus here is that unless he is truly remorseful and immediately stops all contact with the OW, he is probably going to continue to betray you. You deserve so much better than that.
The first thing to do is just to take care of yourself. Do any small nice good things for yourself that you can, try to eat and sleep and drink water.
Next, and harder, is...you have to lay down the law. He hasn't said he will stop seeing her? Well, he needs to decide. He cannot cake-eat, and have it both ways while sitting on the fence and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. Your knowing is paramount right now--knowing that you will not settle for being a second choice, will not be disrespected, will not allow him to put you through the emotional abuse of limbo.
If he will not say he is going to stop seeing her, kick him out. If he does, he needs to send a no contact (NC) letter and then give you total transparency, with his email, phone, his whereabouts--everything. If you gut speaks up at this time, listen to it. If the OW has a husband or boyfriend, they should be told too.
You will need to see a lawyer if he is not remorseful in order to protect yourself and your children. You just cannot accept any less than you deserve--his loyalty, love, and respect. If he argues with you about what you need, or claims you drove him away, or in any way makes this about him instead of about repairing the damage to you--he is not remorseful.
It is a crushing blow but you will make it. It is not your fault and you will survive. Your husband is a fool to have betrayed you and beyond cruel and selfish to have given you this pain. Know that you are worth so much more and that his decision was all about his own brokenness.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:52 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
And the other is in the Healing Library under BS FAQ #11 about the 180.
The main thing I can promise is that you WILL survive this. Hugs.
He did tell me that he wants to work it out with me and will stop seeing her. I really hope he does. We've been through a lot together.
What you need to do is decide what YOU plan on doing if he does not stop seeing her. I mean, the way you worded the above, it sounds like you basically will just tolerate him seeing her. Please note, you will be resigning yourself to a tremendous amount of pain going that route. Plus showing your children that you are okay with not being respected.
It sounds to me like he has no intention of ending it. The fact he wont even tell you her identify out of respect to HER feelings speaks volumes as to where his priority lies at this time -- with her.
I have a feeling you will have to walk or file to have any chance of him ending things with her.
I'm sorry he is doing this to you. But you have the power to not allow it.
Your H isn't remorseful. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he's not. He's more interested in protecting her than you. He cheated. HE needs to realize what he stands to lose if he isn't willing to do the work to heal, together.
Decide if you're willing to go to the grocery store and be behind OW in line, her knowing it's you, and that she had your H, and you have no idea. Are you willing to wonder if the bank teller is her? Or your hairdresser? No, I wouldn't stand for that, for a second. He can respect her feelings, or yours. You deserve to know who the threat is. What if it's your best friend? Do you want to be friends still?
He doesn't call the shots here - you do. Please, read the 180, and start. Let him know what you want - her identity, a timeline, him in IC, etc. If he won't do all of these, then start to detach, because he's going to think he's still in control. That where his head is now - he's in control and you're scared. He should be scared - damned scared! He could very well lose his wife and 5 children, and for what? Some tramp and her feelings? No, I don't think so.
Please, don't think you're 'lucky' because your H is willing to break up with his girlfriend. That isn't the case, no matter how he makes it seem like it is. What you are is betrayed, by him. He needs to do some real work if he wants his family.
Please don't listen to what he has to say about wanting to stay together--watch what he is willing to do to make that happen. Yes, he will feel guilt and have a hard time doing what is needed, at least at first. Many WH do. But he needs to push through and get it done. Look for a copy of the book, "How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair" It is a great road map for him to follow.
Take care of yourself and your 5 beautiful children. That will be a full time job for the foreseeable future.
[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 9:55 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
please be careful.....he is protecting the other womam....she could be a friend of yours,co-worker ,prostitute ,married or a family member...
you appear to be to willing to sweep under the rug.....please remember sometimes they are just pretending until they exit.......you need to know who she is.........I feel he is just biting his time until the ow gets her affairs in order and he does not want her husband to know about the affair
PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOUR EARS>>>>>SAYING I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT IS NOT ENOUGH......HE NEEDS TO BE TRANSPARENT AND HE IS NOT.....STILL PLAYING YOU......cheaters are good at lying, very good at it