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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Crappiest bday in my whole life
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So.. I am new here and it's good that there is such a site.
I have turned 25 yesterday and have been in relationship with my bf for 6 months. I will probably write more later when I have energy for it but the point is, the day before my birthday my bf confessed that back when he rented an apartment (1-2 months after we met) he has cheated on me twice. Now we've been living together for 4 months and he swears that all this time in our new apartment he's been faithful to me and fully realized how lucky he is to have me etc. And he's been nothing but caring and loving all through this time, never been rude to me or showed any kind of disrespect whatsoever (of course apart from the things he hid from me). I believe he loves me and is very good as a boyfriend. But it nearly killed me how all the things I knew and all that he kept telling me about his principles, values and morals now are divided by zero. I can't work, can't concentrate and I believe I have never felt this terrible.

[This message edited by neworder25 at 11:29 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
kcrbr1210
♀ New Member
Member # 43026
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here as well, stumbled across this site last night and I'm glad I did. My husband of 10 years told me last night that he has been cheating on me for the last few weeks. I completely understand how you are feeling and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have too many words of wisdom right now as I am new to this feeling as well. I just wanted to reply to let you know that there are people out there who do understand what you're going through. I'm sure it will get easier in time. So sorry you have to feel this way.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: illinois
nevergone
♀ New Member
Member # 43022
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also new here. I'm so sorry for what's happened.

xx


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all 3 newbies to the crap dance we call infidelity. First I am so sorry all of you are hear. Infidelity is a heartbreaking betrayal unlike anything.

I suggest you start with the Healing Library on the left (above Dr Phils head). There are great articles and Q&A.

Many wiser people wioll be along to comment but let me say: Having an affair 2 months ago and then just promising it will never happen again is a little naive. There are reasons people feel it is okay to cheat. Okay to devalue you as a person. If you do not figure that out your life will be a set-up for more heart ache.

Keep posting your stories and questions.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All three of you, welcome to the best club that no one ever wanted to join. I am so very sorry that you find yourselves here, in the land of the broken and healing.

neworder25, I am going to give you advice that you do not want to hear: leave him. Leave him now, before you are married, before you have kids, before you invest in real estate that you will have to sell and property you will have to split. He was able to justify to himself that it was OK to cheat on you when your relationship was still shiny and new. Imagine how much more likely he is to cheat again after you've been together a few years and it's no longer so new.

Did he go to counseling? Did he figure out what lies he told himself about you that let him behave that way? Does he give you full access to his phone and computer records, whenever you want?

Please understand that the most "caring and loving" men are sometimes lying to you through their teeth. And be very careful with your heart.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys.
justinpaintoday, from what he told me, it was November when he had an affair (not so much of an affair tbh, just two one-night stands). So it was around 4-5 months ago. Looking at the big picture I have my reasons to believe what bf says. Indeed, now I feel like I don't know him at all and I may still not know the full story but I'm trying to process the things I know for sure. But I have to write about everything in more details, anyway.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krispy47, he admitted that he was confused and thought that things might not work out so why not having some fun. He said it was never something he planned, it was because right there and then he had an immediate opportunity to do so. But after that he never thought it was okay and it wasn't the person he wanted to be.
Yes, he is willing to give me access to everything. However, at this point watching his phone and computer is just too much for me. I need some rest.
I haven't left him because I figured that one way or another the nearest future is going to be hell. So I may try some more and get to the bottom of it, and watch my bf's behaviour. No pink glasses or wishful thinking but I got nothing to lose anyway.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. How long have you been together? What was his explanation for his cheating? When you are this young, even though your love is so strong and you have invested yourself in the relationship, it is very hard to recommend continuing to invest more of yourself into someone who has already shown they are unreliable. I know that your heart wants to be with him,...but sometimes that is not always best for us.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't left him because I figured that one way or another the nearest future is going to be hell. So I may try some more and get to the bottom of it, and watch my bf's behaviour. No pink glasses or wishful thinking but I got nothing to lose anyway.

I totally understand. This is where I am at too. I leared of my WH's LTA a month ago, and many people urged me to throw him out immediately. Since we have kids and a complicated financial situation, I decided to wait 3 months before making a final decision. I figured I'm going to feel like shit no matter what, so I might as well feel like shit with fewer complications.

Like you I am asking lots of questions and observing his behavior daily. However, I am also doing A LOT of checking up and testing for truth.

I will still tell you that I wish I had listened to that little voice in my head back when my WH and I were only dating. It would have saved me a boatload of heartbreak. That said, you need to do what feels right to YOU, at your own pace, no matter what anyone else says. I wish you the very best.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...he admitted that he was confused and thought that things might not work out so why not having some fun. He said it was never something he planned, it was because right there and then he had an immediate opportunity to do so. But after that he never thought it was okay and it wasn't the person he wanted to be

He was "confused?" "Confused" about what, just exactly?

And since when does 'confusion' equal having sex with the first person that falls in his lap - for 'fun?' I'll guarantee you that had YOU pulled this sleazy crap in the beginning, he wouldn't be with you right now. That's a promise.

He's shown you who he is. When someone shows you WHO they are, believe it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
JenniMay
♀ Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's shown you who he is. When someone shows you WHO they are, believe it.

I couldn't agree with this more.

My experience: I was married for 13 years. Before we were married, my XH cheated on me 2 times that I know of. The first one was very early in our relationship. We'd had a fight & he ran back to the wife he was separated (but not yet divorced) from. He was "confused", so I forgave him. Not even a year later, we were living apart (him in FL & me in VA) because he was in the military & I didn't go with him. He became friends with a guy on his ship. His wife had a friend who he slept with one evening after a cookout. He claims it was twice, but I am positive it was more than that...

Instead of leaving his sorry ass right then & there before I had invested anything else, I moved to FL & married him. Now that I am healthy & strong, I wonder what the hell I was thinking.

We had an OK marriage---I thought I was happy for 13 years. We moved back to VA, which is what I wanted so badly. We were back for 3 years & he was cheating again---with a gal who ran on the volunteer rescue squad with us. She was pregnant---after I struggled with infertility for 13 years.

They are married now & have 2 children. We have been divorced for 4 years.

There is no doubt in my mind that there were more one-night stands and affairs through the years. After we were married, he waffled--wasn't sure he wanted to be married, etc. Took a job at a bar after getting out of the military, worked until 2 a.m. & wouldn't come home until 4 a.m. Looking back, there were SO many red flags, but he'd be "nice" to me & I thought it was OK. I was never safe. Not for a minute.

Oh yea, he got up with me DAYS after his separation from his 1st wife (who he married at 18) & got up with his current wife (his 3rd) while he was still with me. All this before the age of 40. Nice, huh?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know this situation far to well. My husband told me that he didn't think we would last so he did what he did with other girls because he thought we could and plus we weren't married. Fast forward 7 years later and he asked me to marry him, I had no idea he did what he did to me till we were married for 6 months that's when everything came crumbling down.

Had I known what he did to me while we were dating I know for sure I would have ended things and looked for someone better because I knew I deserved it.

Now that I'm married we are trying to "R" because we made a vow to God and our families, He says he'll never do what he did to me and regrets it but that trust issue is still hanging over us. I'm still in limbo on what I'm going to do. I'm taking counseling to understand my whole situation.

Think about it, can you truly trust him to be faithful and only be with you.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neworder; RUN. Sorry but his excuses suck. U deserve way better than this.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NeverAgain2013
He told me he had those short relationships when he thought everything was going to be serious and great but it never was, although he always had been at his best. He also had that ex that slept around on him on many occasions but he was faithful and forgiving for 1.5 years or so. He told me he was afraid that our relationship would be just the next short thing and so he figured he might as well not be that much of a 'good guy'. But after that happened he realized how terrible and wrong he was. And when we moved in together, he says, then he knew everything was serious and has to last, but the mistake has been done already.

I know this kind of reasoning is plain stupid and by no means does it justify him. However, few years ago I actually was like that. I did the same to my then-boyfriend of two months because I just wasn't sure he was right for me, I didn't have the gut to quit, I felt abandoned and unloved, and I cheated. We have split up soon anyway and I never told, but I felt terrible with guilt. So if my current bf told me the truth, I can understand this kind of confusion and what made him do that.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me he was afraid that our relationship would be just the next short thing and so he figured he might as well not be that much of a 'good guy'.

So instead of trying to find a proactive, positive solution his answer was to hurt you to satisfy his own needs?

He is not a *safe* person.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things I wanted to comment on because I believe you have gotten good advice-
1.
but I got nothing to lose anyway.

What about your sanity? Time? Investment into the relationship? Please value yourself higher than this!

2.

He told me he was afraid that our relationship would be just the next short thing

This is his justification now. What about next time? We've heard it all here- "I thought you were cheating, so I cheated" "I thought you wanted a divorce, so I cheated" "I blah blah blah blah blah, so I cheated." It's all bullshit and excueses.

Ok, and a third thing- what is he acutally doing right now to prove he's a safe person?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2021 | Registered: Sep 2011
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neworder: I mean this gently: you sound like his attorney. You're making excuses for his bullshit behavior. You don't deserve that. If his coping mechanism is adultery then your future is going to be very sad. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth saving however he has a lot of work to do.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your compassion, support and advice. I know I sound like his attorney. I try to think logically but it's all mixed up. Had he not shown so much love and not did everything he was doing for me all these months, my decision would be very clear, I believe. But he really did everything he could to satisfy all my needs, every day that we have been together. And I guess I'm just going to wait and see what happens next. In the meantime will do a 180 and try to focus on some other areas of my life.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
neworder25
♂ New Member
Member # 43030
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a second thought, it was a great mindf***k. I spent HOURS each day obsessing and trying to figure what the hell was wrong and why I don't feel the way a person is supposed to feel in a relationship. I couldn't understand whether it was my gut or paranoia and too delicate to ask about the little things that didn't add up here and there. I thought it was about me, not him or the relationship. It WAS about him and the relationship all along. I was misled into thinking he was that great good guy with such a big heart and high standards. He went along with almost everything I said but I didn't feel understood. I didn't feel like we were sharing things with each other. It was indeed plenty of emotional intimacy, physical attraction and very comfortable cohabiting but that shouldn't be the core of relationship, after all. I spent so much time trying to understand the real person behind his words and look what I found.
It's about time I stop bothering and instead try to understand myself and get a life again.

[This message edited by neworder25 at 4:05 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2014
standinghere
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Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was a great mindf***k. I spent HOURS each day obsessing and trying to figure what the hell was wrong

Indeed, that is what I did for years. My story is in my profile, my wife and I have successfully R, but we went to MC for 4 years...4 long, hard, painful years ( there were good times as well, but the pain was there, it got better after two years but was really hard until the last year).

People who do this to you are really messed up. He is minimizing and not really digging into the root of his behavior. Honestly, unless he has a good IC calling him out on his B-S, at that age he wouldn't know where to start.

There will always be women who are willing when he is down, even if he is old and fat. There will always be men for you as well, willing to cheat with a cheater if you wanted to. We are all susceptible if the right series of things come together, and it is much more than just opportunity. It as to do with our own inner self talk. It has to do with how we view ourselves, not with how we view our partner.

My wife was, and is, the most caring and loving person I've ever known, she adored me, loved me, and wanted to be with me. Yet she cheated.

She was hiding so much, felt like she was trash, and like nothing she did mattered.

Nothing I said, or did, mattered either in the end. She was projecting her feelings about herself on to me. Read Wikipedia on Transference, and that was our life together. She had to learn that, then work at not doing it, and even 4 years later struggles with it. Last night she came home from the store and asked me if I was angry with her, I wasn't. Before she would have stewed for weeks about me being angry with her, or thinking she was stupid, when neither was true...and our relationship would be in the shitter the whole time and me trying to figure out what was wrong.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 970 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
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