[This message edited by neworder25 at 11:29 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
I suggest you start with the Healing Library on the left (above Dr Phils head). There are great articles and Q&A.
Many wiser people wioll be along to comment but let me say: Having an affair 2 months ago and then just promising it will never happen again is a little naive. There are reasons people feel it is okay to cheat. Okay to devalue you as a person. If you do not figure that out your life will be a set-up for more heart ache.
Keep posting your stories and questions.
neworder25, I am going to give you advice that you do not want to hear: leave him. Leave him now, before you are married, before you have kids, before you invest in real estate that you will have to sell and property you will have to split. He was able to justify to himself that it was OK to cheat on you when your relationship was still shiny and new. Imagine how much more likely he is to cheat again after you've been together a few years and it's no longer so new.
Did he go to counseling? Did he figure out what lies he told himself about you that let him behave that way? Does he give you full access to his phone and computer records, whenever you want?
Please understand that the most "caring and loving" men are sometimes lying to you through their teeth. And be very careful with your heart.
I haven't left him because I figured that one way or another the nearest future is going to be hell. So I may try some more and get to the bottom of it, and watch my bf's behaviour. No pink glasses or wishful thinking but I got nothing to lose anyway.
I totally understand. This is where I am at too. I leared of my WH's LTA a month ago, and many people urged me to throw him out immediately. Since we have kids and a complicated financial situation, I decided to wait 3 months before making a final decision. I figured I'm going to feel like shit no matter what, so I might as well feel like shit with fewer complications.
Like you I am asking lots of questions and observing his behavior daily. However, I am also doing A LOT of checking up and testing for truth.
I will still tell you that I wish I had listened to that little voice in my head back when my WH and I were only dating. It would have saved me a boatload of heartbreak. That said, you need to do what feels right to YOU, at your own pace, no matter what anyone else says. I wish you the very best.
...he admitted that he was confused and thought that things might not work out so why not having some fun. He said it was never something he planned, it was because right there and then he had an immediate opportunity to do so. But after that he never thought it was okay and it wasn't the person he wanted to be
And since when does 'confusion' equal having sex with the first person that falls in his lap - for 'fun?' I'll guarantee you that had YOU pulled this sleazy crap in the beginning, he wouldn't be with you right now. That's a promise.
He's shown you who he is. When someone shows you WHO they are, believe it.
He's shown you who he is. When someone shows you WHO they are, believe it.
I couldn't agree with this more.
My experience: I was married for 13 years. Before we were married, my XH cheated on me 2 times that I know of. The first one was very early in our relationship. We'd had a fight & he ran back to the wife he was separated (but not yet divorced) from. He was "confused", so I forgave him. Not even a year later, we were living apart (him in FL & me in VA) because he was in the military & I didn't go with him. He became friends with a guy on his ship. His wife had a friend who he slept with one evening after a cookout. He claims it was twice, but I am positive it was more than that...
Instead of leaving his sorry ass right then & there before I had invested anything else, I moved to FL & married him. Now that I am healthy & strong, I wonder what the hell I was thinking.
We had an OK marriage---I thought I was happy for 13 years. We moved back to VA, which is what I wanted so badly. We were back for 3 years & he was cheating again---with a gal who ran on the volunteer rescue squad with us. She was pregnant---after I struggled with infertility for 13 years.
They are married now & have 2 children. We have been divorced for 4 years.
There is no doubt in my mind that there were more one-night stands and affairs through the years. After we were married, he waffled--wasn't sure he wanted to be married, etc. Took a job at a bar after getting out of the military, worked until 2 a.m. & wouldn't come home until 4 a.m. Looking back, there were SO many red flags, but he'd be "nice" to me & I thought it was OK. I was never safe. Not for a minute.
Oh yea, he got up with me DAYS after his separation from his 1st wife (who he married at 18) & got up with his current wife (his 3rd) while he was still with me. All this before the age of 40. Nice, huh?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.
Had I known what he did to me while we were dating I know for sure I would have ended things and looked for someone better because I knew I deserved it.
Now that I'm married we are trying to "R" because we made a vow to God and our families, He says he'll never do what he did to me and regrets it but that trust issue is still hanging over us. I'm still in limbo on what I'm going to do. I'm taking counseling to understand my whole situation.
Think about it, can you truly trust him to be faithful and only be with you.
I know this kind of reasoning is plain stupid and by no means does it justify him. However, few years ago I actually was like that. I did the same to my then-boyfriend of two months because I just wasn't sure he was right for me, I didn't have the gut to quit, I felt abandoned and unloved, and I cheated. We have split up soon anyway and I never told, but I felt terrible with guilt. So if my current bf told me the truth, I can understand this kind of confusion and what made him do that.
He told me he was afraid that our relationship would be just the next short thing and so he figured he might as well not be that much of a 'good guy'.
So instead of trying to find a proactive, positive solution his answer was to hurt you to satisfy his own needs?
He is not a *safe* person.
but I got nothing to lose anyway.
He told me he was afraid that our relationship would be just the next short thing
Ok, and a third thing- what is he acutally doing right now to prove he's a safe person?
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
[This message edited by neworder25 at 4:05 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
it was a great mindf***k. I spent HOURS each day obsessing and trying to figure what the hell was wrong
Indeed, that is what I did for years. My story is in my profile, my wife and I have successfully R, but we went to MC for 4 years...4 long, hard, painful years ( there were good times as well, but the pain was there, it got better after two years but was really hard until the last year).
People who do this to you are really messed up. He is minimizing and not really digging into the root of his behavior. Honestly, unless he has a good IC calling him out on his B-S, at that age he wouldn't know where to start.
There will always be women who are willing when he is down, even if he is old and fat. There will always be men for you as well, willing to cheat with a cheater if you wanted to. We are all susceptible if the right series of things come together, and it is much more than just opportunity. It as to do with our own inner self talk. It has to do with how we view ourselves, not with how we view our partner.
My wife was, and is, the most caring and loving person I've ever known, she adored me, loved me, and wanted to be with me. Yet she cheated.
She was hiding so much, felt like she was trash, and like nothing she did mattered.
Nothing I said, or did, mattered either in the end. She was projecting her feelings about herself on to me. Read Wikipedia on Transference, and that was our life together. She had to learn that, then work at not doing it, and even 4 years later struggles with it. Last night she came home from the store and asked me if I was angry with her, I wasn't. Before she would have stewed for weeks about me being angry with her, or thinking she was stupid, when neither was true...and our relationship would be in the shitter the whole time and me trying to figure out what was wrong.