It's been over a month now since he had been served, already had our first court date and I just cannot stop the waterworks. I know in my heart we will never be again, I will never go back to the man who has done nothing but inflicted me with heartache, due to his selfishness and his midlife crisis.
I have been in therapy the whole time and truly thought I was at the acceptance phase when I filed and the month or so before he was served I never felt better about my decision and was excited to get the chance to begin my new life, alone. I actually even went on a few dates and realized I am SO not ready for that.
He is definitely in the angry stage, I really think he didn't think I would file and is now seeing how expensive it can be to get out of our lengthy marriage. I am waitressing part time and school full time, so he was ordered to pay all bills and my attorney fees. He is fighting everything, when we don't have anything to fight for except me getting alimony and his pensions. Our home is in his mother's name, so I don't even have a place to stay after the divorce.
But as I am typing this, I cannot stop crying, it seems to me that is all I do when I am alone, which is a lot. Did I revert to depression, or am I just mourning the actual death of the marriage? I really want all of this nightmare to be over and done with, so I can focus on my schooling and myself, but it seems like I am stuck in this emotional wreck lately and just want it to stop. It feels as if I am a walking emotionless zombie and just going with the flow. I want happiness but can't just seem to find it. Anyone felt this way???
It will be a roller coaster and could be for years even after it's finalized. Suggestions? Drink water, exercise, rest, cry, watch or go to a comedy, seek religion if you believe, read , join a divorce care group, minimize contact with him, don't respond to angry calls, texts or emails, learn your triggers, cry some more, eat well, take vitamins.....get out in the sun....Certain teas and herbs may be calming and reduce depression....get a massage....treat yourself well.
Can you focus on finding a new place to live? Starting to get your ducks in a row can be a productive distraction and help you feel more secure about the future.
I try to spend time with my friends for support, extra time with my DD to support her, and stay busy. I believe that happiness will come eventually, I just have to keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We WILL make it through this!
I, myself has always had to be the strong one too.
It is such a rollercoaster of a ride. I have questioned my sanity in all of this. I would change my mind a gazillion times a day on if I wanted to stay or divorce. It just sucks!! It just takes time. I hate that word. As if enough time hasn't gone by already!
Sending you hugs and strength!!
I can't focus on finding a place until I get my alimony judgment, I am only waitressing and that's not enough income to buy a cardboard box. And unfortunately not enough funds to pamper myself or go anywhere.
I hate the word time too, I wish I could just fast forward, because I have spent too much of my time on trying to fix us. I sit in this house of nightmares and it is a huge trigger. Everywhere I look, everything in here is us.
Thank goodness for this site, your words have helped me, knowing I am not alone. None of my friends have been with someone as long as I have been with my stbx, no one understands the midlife crisis and emptynesting and I have been going through years of the ups and downs, are tired of hearing me being sad. They just don't understand the destruction of affairs or why I wanted to stay.
Still having bad days, unfortunately have had to deal with him due to tax season and the divorce proceedings and I just don't want to see or talk to him ever again. That's only more chances for him to inflict pain.