For now I am very happy being single and spending time with my toddler son. What is so damn wrong with that? And why do people act like it's "such a waste that you're alone". Maybe I should feel flattered that they think I'm such a catch but mostly I am just irritated and feeling devalued. Will I only have worth in society if coupled up? I know it's been over two years since dday but I have zero interest. Zero. Going by the threads in here I am perhaps alone in my thinking. Everyone here seems to be dating asap too?
Am I jaded? Bitter? Maybe with xwh being such a sick perverted assclown I have been too damaged to ever feel ready for it. All I know is that I just do not have the energy for it. I miss sex but not enough to deal with another assclown. Not enough to risk my or my son's lives. To me the risks are greater than the benefit and until that changes I just don't see myself dating. Does that make me broken/pathetic?!?
ETA: I'm just frustrated with the fact that people think the answer to all my problems is to "get out there again". My problems won't be fixed by a partner. I just feel so much pressure to be "better" or different. I'm hard enough on myself. I don't need the added pressure from others to follow the route they think would be best. Jumping into something new isn't going to change my past. I need a better way of moving on and I'm working on it. I don't have the answers either. Perhaps it just makes me feel even more worthless and I really don't need that. I'm doing my best here.
[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 2:38 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:57 PM, April 7th (Monday)]
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
That is just how the world works, they assume that you can just jump right back on the proverbial horse and ride away.
It has taken my BFF awhile to see how hurt I was, and how I've slowed down and don't rush to date. I waited a full year post S, and close to 2 years from d-day. I still didn't make the best choice, but, for me, it was a guy that finally turned my head that made me jump on that horse. It was good in a lot of ways.
Just don't worry about it. I get it too, "You are so cute, you shouldn't have any problems!" UGGG. Yes, I can get a date easily, but that doesn't' mean they are stand up guys.
Take your time.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Thanks cmego! As always your posts resonate with me a lot. That's also the exact line I have heard repeatedly. Part of my frustration is because people think I'm not over wxh because I refuse to date. Me staying single has nothing to do with him! And as you said:If I were to ever date again I want someone decent. It's easy getting just anyone but I am just not interested in pointless ego boosting. No thank you.
Thanks for listening to my venting and making me feel less abnormal, lol.
My friends and colleagues are constantly trying to set me up no matter how much I tell them that I'm not ready. My picker is still on the fritz - I want to enjoy this time alone as much as I can. I have two little girls who don't need me to be distracted with relationship ups/downs right now. They don't need another bug change right now.
I've posted that I wouldn't date me right now - I don't know if I'll ever be ready and I'm OK with that. For some reason people seem to find that threatening. My guess is that it brings up something inside themselves that makes them uncomfortable.
I don't believe a relationship right now would be a sign of healing, it would be the opposite for me.
I'm not lonely, my life is rich and full - I'm happy, healing and growing.
Just let me be.
So many people just follow the lifescript without even thinking if that's what they want to do. And that means getting partnered up, preferably married, and having kids, a house, a dog, etc.
Most people also have no idea how to have strong romantic relationships. I had no idea, until this cheating shit struck me and I started reading books and doing research. (Of course, this is still untested as I'm single, but by implementing things I've learned, my friendships and other relationships are much stronger.)
If everyone would take the time to heal from their last relationship before beginning a new one and not be afraid to be alone, the success rate of second marriages would be much, much higher. Instead, people rush into things.
Don't succumb to the peer pressure! The time that you invest in yourself and your daughter now will pay itself ten-fold in the future. I've never heard anyone regret taking time for themselves to heal, whereas people frequently regret jumping into a relationship too soon.
When people would say stuff to me, I'd respond along the lines of "After being in an abusive relationship for so long, I'm loving being single right now!" And you know what? Many of the people who were pushing me to partner up have since confided in me that they are envious of my life and wished that they were single, too. Of course the grass is greener, but I took is as a sign of my healing when I was indifferent to the ways in which other people tried to tell me how to live my life.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
To me the risks are greater than the benefit and until that changes I just don't see myself dating.
and if anyone believes you can't be fulfilled being alone they are probably projecting their own inability to be alone onto you. Don't let them! They have nothing to do with your happy & healthy self!
Friends may be well meaning. People want people to be "like" them so they encourage you to go out and do what they've done. But they aren't you. Some people may be really pushy about it, but they aren't you, they don't know any better. Only you know what is right for you. You are doing your best. You aren't worthless. You know what is right for you and your child and no one else gets to have a say. You'll find your way through this mess. Your own path. Your own unique way.
I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I'm still far from where I want to be but I'm at least certain about this one thing: I don't need dating to heal or move on.