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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Angry, ashamed, hurt, lost...
Merlyn
♂ New Member
Member # 42701
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My affair was back in August, and it was a one night stand that I regret more than anything that I have ever done in my life. My AP was an employee that played the waif card pretty hard, and I fell into her trap. I broke off what started as a sort of emotional affair with my AP, but her behavior at work put me in a compromised position where I felt like I had to defuse the situation before irreversible damage was done to my career (and possibly my wife's career) and my marriage. AP said she needed to express her feelings to me before she could function at work with me around, so I agreed to meet her one night when my wife was away for work. This was the night that I met her, drank too much, and slept with her. What's worse is that I left AP's house in the early morning hours intoxicated and ended up being arrested for DUI, and losing my license for 8 months. I lied to my wife and told her that I was at a friend's house, but she checked my phone records and found AP's number and asked who it was, and I broke down and told her everything. My wife is still destroyed over the whole thing, and I don't blame her one bit.

My wife and I are working through this, along with some other issues that we have had in the past, in an effort to save our marriage and get to a healthy place. Neither of us want a divorce and we love each other dearly, but we have our share of issues for sure. The issue that I am having the hardest time with at the moment is that every couple of weeks or so, my wife will read an article or book that will make her contemplate what might have been the reason for my affair. See, it seems that she is hoping that there is ONE answer, ONE reason for my affair, so that she can process it and be done with it. I explain that there was a lot of issues that I have had with her and our marriage that could have contributed to the affair, but this is often not acceptable for her. She says that she is tired of me answering her question with "I don't know", and that this answer is just a copout (which it isn't). There are times when she understands that there is no simple answer to her question, but most of the time she gets angry and tells me that I am not supporting her in the way that I should be supporting her. I have engaged in every low and high cost behavior that I can think of (e.g. giving her complete access to my phone, social network sites, location at all times, etc.). Our T says that I am doing everything that I can, and my wife agrees with our T when we are in session. However, she has days (yesterday for example) when she NEEDS answers that I cannot give her, and she accuses me of not caring about her, loving her, or feeling remorse for what I have done to her and our marriage. I'm at a loss.

What can I do in these situations to help her? She told me in the beginning that she just needed me to listen and be sympathetic to her pain, which I continue to do, but she has more days than not where she is sick of hearing me say "I'm sorry"; "I am ashamed of what I have done to you"; "I can't imagine the pain that I have caused you"; and the other few things that she said she needs to hear me say when she is in pain about the situation. The things that she told me that she needs to hear are also things that she doesn't want to hear. All I want is to help her in any way that I can, but no matter what I do it is the wrong thing.

Obviously there are many more details to the situation, and I will answer any questions that anyone might have. I am new here, so I understand that this post is basically all the information that everyone has to go on. Any feedback is appreciated. I am happy to have found this forum.


Me: WH, 37 (DD16; DS11)
Her: BW, 37 (Stepmom)
D-Day: 8/3/13
In R.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed spouse here. Merlyn, you may legitimately not have ALL the answers, yet, but could you share one? Or two? Unfortunately, some of those answers may seem to point back at her and your marriage, pre-A, but some of them might not. My SLAWH (sex and love addict wayward husband) was depressed, an addict seeking a high to lighten that depression. That's the major reason. His depression/addiction, though, are due to FOO issues and genetics. And he, wrongly but honestly, thought I'd be happy if we were never again intimate in our M. That last one is a reason why that needs to be explored in marital counseling once we've dealt with more of our issues in individual counseling. BSes are very sensitive to being told that the affair itself was in any way our fault. Marriage issues? Yes. Affair decisions? No. Never. Nada.

Maybe you could read a book, out loud, together? Something like "Not Just Friends." If you had an EA, they you likely have some boundaries issues. You didn't have strong enough walls built around your marriage, separating you from other women. Is that the primary reason? Likely not. Likely there's a reason why you need validation from others. IMHO, there may be no ONS, EA, PA that has ONE answer or reason.

You're both in MC. Is she in IC? Another suggestion might be to read the 5 Love Languages. Knowing what language she speaks might help you to SHOW her how much you love her. Otherwise, only consistency and transparency and humility will help to repair the damage. Good luck!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 2:20 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlyn, welcome to SI, you sound like you're off to a pretty good start in the remorse department.

Your wife is looking for answers. Based on reading the stories here over the past year, I have a suggestion, and you're new so I want to be careful to phrase it as gently as possible. Your BW may be distressed because, the way you framed it here, your reasons for the ONS simply do not make sense. Your BW is confused because you're not being honest with yourself, or her.

What you're saying here is, you were lured in by an evil temptress and "oops," one day you fell into bed with her! Again, sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh here, but...

[AP's] behavior at work put me in a compromised position where I felt like I had to defuse the situation

...so, your solution was to have sex with her? All I have to go on is what you're written here, and I'm not seeing you take responsibility for your actions. The truth, as painful as it is to admit to yourself and your BW, is that you chose to have sex with the AP because you wanted to. It was a bad choice, a horrible, hurtful thing to do. You didn't fall into anyone's trap, my friend, you walked in willingly.

Those are the answers your BW is looking for. Because if you're so vulnerable that you'll helplessly fall prey to some damaged woman...if I were your BW I'd be living in fear every time you were out of my sight!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, as a BS I know that I was longing to hear an answer to my now XW's affair that would bring me peace. I would long for it to be something that didn't indicate it was my failure because those were the thoughts that rolled through my head. That my wife at the time made those choices because of me not because of her.

Honestly the thoughts and fears that would run through my mind when my wife would respond with "I don't know" made me trust her less. If she didn't know then how can we take steps to prevent this. If she didn't know then could I ever trust her anywhere? And other similar thoughts. My best advice is that you find the reason no matter how shallow that they might sound to you and let her know and start looking for ways to not end up in that situation again.

For your wife is like a like a patient with a deep open wound right now. You can do nothing and let infection fester or take the steps to help stitch things up. Neither option feels good while going through it but one option gives the best chance of healing.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52682 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI. There are a lot of people here who can probably give you better advice but my suggestion is to read this over and over again...

I explain that there was a lot of issues that I have had with her and our marriage that could have contributed to the affair, but this is often not acceptable for her. She says that she is tired of me answering her question with "I don't know", and that this answer is just a copout (which it isn't).

Now think about it from your BS's perspective. Unless there is something else you have told her you are basically saying that your issues with her/your M are why you cheated. I would also take the last sentence to mean you have no desire to really look into your reasons.

Hopefully you can read some of what was written above and take a hard look at how your decisions led you to where you are. I wish you the best.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Merlyn
♂ New Member
Member # 42701
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses, and thank you RS for the recommendations.

I realize that there is nothing that justifies an affair. Regardless of the circumstances of my situation, I made the decision to sleep with my AP, and I do not blame my wife or problems in our marriage for my actions.

With regard to being in a compromised position, I should explain this in a little more detail. AP was an employee of mine (yes, I am completely ashamed). She was getting ready to go into a custody dispute with her ex, and my BW and I have been in court for a few years now, so we would discuss this from time to time. We started texting outside work and become friends (yes, boundary violation. Very ashamed). One night while I was drinking (so was AP), I acquiesced a request from AP to text a "candid" picture of myself. My heart immediately sank when I hit "send"; sobering guilt swept over me. I knew I had to do damage control and get my head on straight. I felt incredibly guilty. I also knew in my heart that my wife would leave me if she found out what I had done.

I got up in the morning and went into work early so that I could stop by AP's house and tell her that she needed to delete the photo, and that I did not want to talk to her outside of work, or about anything non-work related ever again. She said that she understood, and I left and went into work. For the next couple of weeks, AP would come into work looking like a zombie; completely not herself, and obviously upset about something. Everyone knew something was up, and her behavior around me was completely weird. Here was this apparently devastated woman walking around with a XXX photo of me on her phone. I was scared. I had f'd up really bad, and I could see things going to worse really quick. She told me aside one day that she "needs to say some things" to me in order to feel "closure" on our situation, and that this was the only way that she could move past it.

I felt trapped by my AP because I was afraid that she was going to use a photo that I had texted to her against me somehow, or even just show someone at work. I agreed to meet with her on a Saturday when I knew that my wife was going out of town, with the understanding that I was going to hear her out and leave, and everything would just be better. I showed up at her place and she had a refrigerator full of beer, and had already been drinking a little bit. I have sit down and have a beer, and she avoids saying what she says that she says she needs to have a few beers before she can. Being stupid, I sat there and drank with her until I had too much. She made a pass at me, and went to the couch in tears when I turned her away. She apologized over and over, and when I sat down to comfort her she pulled me on top of her, and I couldn't resist.

Was I attracted to and did I want to have sex with my AP? Of course. I don't deny that, and I haven't denied that to my BW. The issues that I have with her past behavior didn't get brought up until we talked about the affair with our T. My BW insisted that I had to be unhappy in our relationship in order to cheat, so we discussed past incidents in our relationship where I felt hurt in some way in an effort to find more causes for the affair. My BW is not satisfied with "I just wanted to have sex with her".

[This message edited by Merlyn at 4:38 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me: WH, 37 (DD16; DS11)
Her: BW, 37 (Stepmom)
D-Day: 8/3/13
In R.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a start is that you have some KISA issues? It takes a long time even years to get to the deeper whys beyond the superficial whys.

1. Does your wife know about the XXX picture?

2. Are you NC with the OW?

I think these two things are critical to your BW healing, if you have not done so .


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here.

Does your BW know this back story? And is it the whole story? Have you shared it with her?

If you got a DUI, sent a XXX picture of your junk while drinking, met the AP and drank a lot of beer with her and then had sex with her -- I would say, pretty obvious that drinking is a problem. Are you in AA? are you getting any sort of IC or treatment for this? If not, why not? Doing so would be a sign to your BW that you are serious about (1) figuring out why you did this and (2) working to be the kind of person who doesn't do this sort of thing.

Did you get STD testing? give your BW the results? Do the follow up testing? Give your BW the results?

"The things that she told me that she needs to hear are also things that she doesn't want to hear." -- Has your BW said this? or is this your assumption?

"All I want is to help her in any way that I can, but no matter what I do it is the wrong thing." -- Really, if everything is the wrong thing, why not do exactly what she asks you, which is to answer her questions, dig harder (which includes addressing your drinking, etc), answer her in more depth. You *think* this is the "wrong thing", but if it's what she asks for, it is the right thing FOR HER. When you say "it is the wrong thing," I think what you mean is that it is the wrong thing FOR YOU = it makes her angry at you, you feel bad, things are hard for you.

I don't mean to sound harsh here -- mods, if I've overstepped, let me know and I'll edit.

Merlyn, if you genuinely want to help your wife, you will let go of how badly you are feeling and how badly your daily life is going, and focus on what she wants. What she says she wants.

good luck -- R is not for the weak or faint of heart...



DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 874 | Registered: Sep 2012
Merlyn
♂ New Member
Member # 42701
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a start is that you have some KISA issues? It takes a long time even years to get to the deeper whys beyond the superficial whys.
1. Does your wife know about the XXX picture?

2. Are you NC with the OW?

I think these two things are critical to your BW healing, if you have not done so .

I admit that I have some KISA issues to some extent. This is evident in some of my past relationships. Yes, I told my wife the entire story, every disgusting detail, as she stated that it was important that she have "all of the pieces to the puzzle". I have no contact with the OW, and it has been this way since the A. I had a few weeks left at work before my license was suspended, and I avoided her at all costs. She attempted to talk to me on several occasions, and I only spoke to her if it was work related and absolutely required me to respond to her.

"Are you in AA? are you getting any sort of IC or treatment for this? If not, why not?"

I am not in AA, but I have quit drinking since this incident. My BW has also quit drinking, as we both have a history of behaving "out of character" when we are drinking. This has been one of the most healthy things that we have done for our relationship.

Did you get STD testing? give your BW the results? Do the follow up testing? Give your BW the results?

I did get tested and the results were negative, and I shared this with my BW.

"The things that she told me that she needs to hear are also things that she doesn't want to hear." -- Has your BW said this? or is this your assumption?

She has said this to me on a number of occasions, and we have discussed it in therapy. I continue to answer her questions with complete honesty, but she has a hard time believing what I say because I kept the XXX photo a secret until I told her the entire story. She asks me for explicit details about the incident, and I tell her everything that I can recall, but there are some questions that I simply cannot answer (e.g. what was the first thing that she said to me when I showed up at her house).

I feel absolutely terrible about what I have done, and I am ashamed of myself. We spoke on the phone last night (she is away for work right now) and I told her that it doesn't matter what she has done to me in the past, there is no excuse for my behavior. If she cheated on me several times it would not justify my actions. I made the decision to sleep with this OW; the presence of coercion and alcohol doesn't excuse my behavior at all.

I want nothing more than to give her everything that she needs and wants, and I will do anything that I can to repair our marriage. I just feel helpless, like no matter what I do or say, I cannot help her process. I understand what you are saying StrongerOne, it is all about what she tells me that she needs/wants, whether or not I feel that it is serving her or helping her. I will continue to give her what she asks for, I just wish that there was something more that I can do (or that I knew what else I could do).


Me: WH, 37 (DD16; DS11)
Her: BW, 37 (Stepmom)
D-Day: 8/3/13
In R.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 9

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