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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really leaning towards D
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more time that goes by the more I am thinking of D rather than R. I really do think I am just really scared of ever being hurt this bad again. D means I only have to count on myself and trust myself.

Interesting little turn though, my IC had me read the journal I kept during the aftermath of the murder, I started it right before that though. On Nov 4th 2011 I wrote about my H going to a whorehouse in Nevada, I could feel the pain in my writing. I had told him, a couple of years before this, no more strip clubs because our DD was on a rough path in life and I could see her getting sucked into that lifestyle. For 2 years we had fight after fight about the strip clubs, he went every time he left town. I calmed myself by thinking at least he tells me even if he knows I hate it. Then he tells me about going to the mustang ranch (just for a tour ). I wrote in my journal that it was a deal breaker for me, but I would wait until after the holidays.

Christmas 2011 comes around and all of the sudden I am dealing with the murder of my sons friend and attempted murder of my son. I can't believe I completely forgot about the whorehouse until I read about it in my journal. Granted I was very busy for a year with all the court cases.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 10:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no really great advice since this is still all new to me, but I feel that you may already know your answer. It's whichever makes you feel at peace within yourself when you think of your decision. (((hugs))) I hate that any of us have to deal with this.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 330 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the reply, I think maybe a formal separation might help too. I am going to talk to my IC about it today.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 2 years we had fight after fight about the strip clubs, he went every time he left town. I calmed myself by thinking at least he tells me even if he knows I hate it. Then he tells me about going to the mustang ranch (just for a tour ). I wrote in my journal that it was a deal breaker for me, but I would wait until after the holidays.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

R is a gift. He spent at least 2 years killing your marriage. A gift freely given is a wonderful thing. A gift given by guilt is not such a wonderful thing. It is grudging. It is the seed of a growing resentment.

I suspect you'd get a wider audience in General or D/S than you will get in JFO. Be aware if you post in D/S that our viewpoint is generally of those who have decided we are done, or that we have taken all we can take.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5154 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect you'd get a wider audience in General or D/S than you will get in JFO.

Agreed. You are always welcome to post in here, but if you're thinking about making a decision, branching out into some of the other forums would hopefully get you some more veteran advice.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time.

Our first MC (and my favorite) said very plainly in the first session that I did not have to stay just because FWH was willing to do the work. It makes sense intellectually, but it's a lot harder to apply when we have feelings that we owe the WS/marriage another shot. If you decide to move on, please know that you are NOT the bad guy. It is a choice you are very much entitled to.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17307 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, maybe I will write in general after counseling today.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
adriana1980
♀ New Member
Member # 41780
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more time that goes by the more I am thinking of D rather than R. I really do think I am just really scared of ever being hurt this bad again. D means I only have to count on myself and trust myself.

Now I think even more about D because we were so bad off before the LTA, then I feel guilty because he has changed so much and is doing the work. I feel like I owe it to him to give him time. My heart is just not in R.

Breezy150, you are wrong.... you don't own him anything.

If you think that getting divorced is the best option for you than you should file. It is perfectly fine to not want to reconcile. Don't feel bad about it.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2013
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't "owe" a damned thing to someone who has systematically worked SO hard year after year after year to literally suck the life right out of you.

NOT ONE THING.

This isn't all about him anymore. It's been all about him for far too long.

You make your decisions based on what's right and healthy for YOU. Not someone who 'only took a tour' of a damned whorehouse.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy,

The others are right. NeverAgain2013 said it best - you don't owe a damned thing to him.

You know who you owe something to? YOU. You owe you some peace, and a chance at happiness. R isn't for everyone. Sometimes, too many things have happened. Sometimes, one thing has happened. Regardless, R is something you choose, not something you owe.

You gave him what you owed him - love, truth, faithfulness. He owed that to you, and he failed at providing it, willfully. You now owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

((((hugs))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy,

The others are right. NeverAgain2013 said it best - you don't owe a damned thing to him.

You know who you owe something to? YOU. You owe you some peace, and a chance at happiness. R isn't for everyone. Sometimes, too many things have happened. Sometimes, one thing has happened. Regardless, R is something you choose, not something you owe.

You gave him what you owed him - love, truth, faithfulness. He owed that to you, and he failed at providing it, willfully. You now owe nothing to anyone but yourself.

((((hugs))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much. I think that is exactly what is pushing my thoughts right now, it finally has to be about me.

I hate that D is so scary financially. I helped build his business but never got a paycheck, put all my eggs in his cheating basket. I am finally ready to just let the financial aspect go and hope for the best in court (but it is still super scary).


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never hope for the best in court. Find yourself a lawyer that is a cross between a barracuda and a lamprey eel, and fight for what is owed to you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to laugh at that. My IC very calmly told me the same thing this morning. Because we own a business it is messy.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2 cents - it is too soon to make a decision to D or R. Take 6 months or a year to see if you can stand him, start to love him again....

YOu need time to heal before making decisions.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy

I will tell you something that was a tremendous help to me, might or might not help you.

Nobody is entitled to a relationship with you.

Nobody

Doesn't matter if a mommy, daddy, they've paid for a nice vacation, they really love you, they want to go to therapy, there is nothing that ENTITLES anybody to a relationship with you. You are always free to tell anybody no with no explanation. You don't even have to rationalize it to yourself. Just feeling like you don't want that relationship is reason enough. IMO the best reason.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because your WH does the work of R doesn't mean he is automatically entitled to another chance at the marriage..

What he did in the way of damage to your relationship is final and quite possibly irreparable..How people come to terms with and heal after infidelity (whether R or D) is highly individual..

Just because a murderer sees the light of God and religion and finds remorse for what he/she did doesn't mean there is an automatic pardon in this life, it is not a get out of jail free card to be remorseful..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have changed my stance a little, I will still be doing everything I can to prepare for divorce, but for now I want a separation. For financial reasons only, it will have to be in house but we have a house that makes it easy.

Like always yesterday he changed his tune completely. Doesn't even acknowledge that he said he didn't have the time to "wallow" in this mess with me. He acts like he never said he was at the end of his rope too, having to deal with me.

I think we are together way too much and him just being around doing nothing triggers me. I think even if R is possible I need some thing that separates old marriage from new one. He needs to court me, date me, and make it so I want to be married to him.

I will not settle for mediocre I have done that for 25 years.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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