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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healing vs limbo
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being in the healing stage feels like its own kind of limbo. The improvements seem so incremental. It's frustrating to be stuck with difficult feelings--a sense of abandonment, mourning, loss, fear of being vulnerable again, mistrust of the motives of others--as a result of the actions of someone who I had faith in and who turned out to not deserve ANY of my investment. Yet the investment is still lingering in my system.

I try to remember that there are some improvements. I don't call my friends bawling anymore. I don't lie on the bathroom floor at work crying nearly as often. On SI, I've packed off from the need to comment on everything, to spend all my time reaching out and engaging; I feel interested in going into Off-Topic and F&G, which I literally never even LOOKED at for the first two months or so.

I've been doing some preliminary work to get my financial house in order, which is a great step for me personally. I researched a new cell phone carrier and will be saving a lot on that bill if I can be careful about my usage.

I've been back at the gym regularly, which is good.

I'm going to a Cards and Humanity meet-up group tonight for the third time, and I really like having added that to my social routine.

I'm getting engaged in community meetings in my soon-to-be new neighborhood and think I can find a nice little niche there as an engaged contributing member of the area.

And it's great to be free of the worry about pleasing and accommodating my ex, who was very sensitive about parts of my life and who was quite emotionally abusive as things unwound.

I've also found that while parts of my new-found caution about men, dating, and sex are sad to me (I want to be the trusting and carefree woman I was again ... even though I know I have to protect myself more carefully), I also have a new freedom from the need to be validated in that area. No ego strokes for me, nothing to prove to anyone, nothing I 'need' to get from the attention of others, even though I miss the intimacy and connection I thought I had. It is going to make me stronger when I am ready to get back out there and means I don't have to add someone to my life to be satisfied.

I guess it's just hard to feel like progress is happening when I still think about how my ex hurt me, about what I thought we had, about how he chose to throw it all away. Those feelings make me feel frozen. Even though it's not the same crushing weight as it used to be, it's not like a constant veil between me and whatever I am doing, keeping me from being present...it still IS there.

And I'm so upset at continuing to be affected by someone who doesn't deserve to impact me at ALL. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, every day. Like some stupid emotional hamster on its wheel.

Just venting, sorry.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4081 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((norabird)))

I get this. The hamster on the wheel feeling. For me, there came the day that it switched to a hamster in the runabout ball feeling. Now, finally, 3 plus years post DDay, it feels safe to just run about freely...while still being aware of any cats in the neighborhood...

Keep doing the things that improve and enrich your life.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3078 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Norabird,

I would say you're doing incredibly well considering your only 6 months removed from d-day 1.

Most people say it takes up to 2 years or much longer to heal.

Anticipate that, and when you grow to indifference or new happiness, then you'll be healed.

I've also found that while parts of my new-found caution about men, dating, and sex are sad to me (I want to be the trusting and carefree woman I was again ... even though I know I have to protect myself more carefully), I also have a new freedom from the need to be validated in that area. No ego strokes for me, nothing to prove to anyone, nothing I 'need' to get from the attention of others, even though I miss the intimacy and connection I thought I had. It is going to make me stronger when I am ready to get back out there and means I don't have to add someone to my life to be satisfied.

I would caution you slow down looking for a replacement so soon. Even dating can be a challenge this soon. Take the time to discover you. As you read throughout NB, most people love who they discover and prefer their company. Once you've really established you don't need a SO. then you're ready to find a SO.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 214 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Runningaway
♀ Member
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like you're getting there! Be proud

It fades away over time. I recently was out and someone asked how I knew my ex and I said "he's my ex." And she said "ex-husband?"
And I had to think about it for a second.
I had forgotten that he used to be my husband.
Without some serious thought I couldn't tell you how long ago we separated or when my dday was.
It's just gone.

((norabird))

btw - I love cards against humanity!!


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 267 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that someone suggested to me and which really helped me was journaling about who I thought he was and who he actually was. I made a list of all the qualities I thought I loved about him, and then made a list of undeniable facts. There were some stuff that I had been blaming myself for, like what if I had been more understanding. But when I saw it all on paper, it really helped me. He's not the man I want to be with. I was in love with an image.

I think it really just takes time though. I can't explain what changed with me. I think I started distancing myself back in October. Once I blocked him and stopped hearing from him constantly, I stopped thinking about him as much, no contact really does help. I'm able to laugh about it now, and it's almost like the pain happened to someone else. I looked at some pictures this week, and didn't feel anything.

So if you're still in contact, I think the best thing to do is cut that off.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been NC for a month now though it's not anything close to full mental NC. But I try to re-focus my thoughts or talk myself through them when they come.

I am definitely not looking to date yet as I know it's too soon....just wishing time would speed up though I know I'm getting some kind of growth out of this.

And my Cards Against Humanity group will probably be mentioned in an upcoming Times article about the game! I missed the actual photographer being there as I was running late, but it's a neat feeling to think the group will be written about in some fashion because I really feel a part of the regular group who attends at this point and enjoy going.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4081 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 6

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