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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS - Would You Want to Know? Multiple Concurrent Affairs
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thousands of emails and texts, along with pictures he has sent me, but I worry that they would be too graphic in detail to show her. I know that she will want proof (and he will likely continue to deny it regardless as he did with me) but I don't want her to be even more heartbroken having to read or see things she may not know about her husband.
Give it all to her. Warn her it's graphic in detail. Tell her if she just wants to destroy it, she'd be smarter to put it in a safe place for 6-12 months incase she changes her mind. If your willing, separate the emails & texts from the pictures. Then she can choose what she wants to see or read without being forced to see it all.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ashamed,
I am not a BS....I am a WW and also an OW. Though you asked specifically for BS to respond I wanted to give my two cents.

I agree with the others who told you to tell her, she has the right to know. Even though she will hate you for it, you are doing the right thing. And definitely tell her you have the proof if she needs to see it.

After I ended my A I confessed to my XAP's BW and my only regret is that I had deleted all of the texts and emails that I could have used as proof. In my situation he denied it and did portray me as the crazy stalker who made the whole thing up....but even though she believed him, I at least hope that one day (if and when he does something like this again) she will realize that I was telling the truth.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 728 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS here. I would want to know. Plain and simple. Will it destroy her world? Likely. At least temporarily. But she deserves to know. We all deserve to know.

I've recently read from several other betrayed spouses on here how "relieved" they've been once their suspicions were verified. I concur. Relieved! Can you imagine that? Most of us--even though we didn't know exactly what was wrong--knew something was wrong. As my SLAWH sat in front of me, on the bed (after handing me a box of tissues--so kind), and confessed, I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!

Do her a favor. You don't see it that way, but it is. Yes, physically she should be able to protect herself, but you are emotionally--in the long run--saving her, too. It IS the kind thing, now that the damage is done (on your part), to do. Thanks!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked the OW for the truth on the first Dday and she lied to me. That cost 18 months that I could be further along right now. Dday #2 she finally told the truth. (The A ended after Dday 1). But at that point I think she was trying to hurt my H, and may even have sent the (nasty) anonymous letter that led to my calling her. You see, she thought he was seeing someone else (um, besides ME, of course).

So would I have appreciated honesty from her from the beginning? Very much so.

If I were the BW in your situation I would want you to state the facts, let me know you have proof if I want it and give me an email with which to contact you. I would also want a sincere apology.

Good luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too would rather know what a jerk he was. At least I would be able to make an informed decision.

Also I know you didn't ask this but if there was any way possible I would also try to contact the BS of the two OW. Theirs husbands need to know as well for their health.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!

^^^this! She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't crazy.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 419 | Registered: Dec 2011
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS - would you prefer I speak with you in person (it would be at her place of work, which may be humiliating for her but it would be the only place I could contact her?) or send a letter with proof attached and an email address to reach should she so wish?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever method works best for you so you be sure she gets it and understands. Really. There is no right away, better way, there just isn't to find out something like this. You want to be sure she gets the info though.

I don't think your reason for telling her matters one iota. Even if it is for not other reason than to stick it to him. The result is still the same, she gets the truth, she gets to make choices, she gets some control over her life back.

You are doing the right thing.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 462 | Registered: Apr 2009
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be tested again. Some STDs like HIV take 6 months to show up. The virus that causes Cervical cancer is tested on a Pap smear.

She will believe you. She has probably seen signs. The texting and late nights. You did a bad thing here and have a chance to do one "good" thing and tell the BS.
Tell her abt the proof and let her decide if she wants it.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW
Sorry, pet peeve. This is a generalization and there are many BS's that don't know and are totally blindsided. The assumption that all BS's "know" something is going on is one of those "urban myths" about infidelity that need to be dispelled.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her asap. She deserves to know. Print off every email and picture she deserves to know all of it.

Glad you are in counseling....


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point well - taken, SisterMilkshake. It's easy to generalize from ones own experience, as I'm sure you have done from time to time. However, from what OP said (questions about texting, late nights) this BW most likely senses something. Sorry to offend.

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 9:26 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 419 | Registered: Dec 2011
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would want to know.

I would suggest telling her in person, mostly bc if you do it any other way her H could intercept it. I speak from experience on this one.

Be gentle, be remorseful, and be prepared for her to not be nice to you. Know that you are doing the right thing regardless of her reaction.

I would print off some of the convincing emails and texts that do not have too much gory detail or slamming of her, but clearly convey the nature of the "relationship".

Good luck and thank you for being willing to do this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Ex's AP (Affair Partner…one of them at least) told me by finding my email address and sent me an email with a photo of a card that ex had sent him (ex was having gay affairs).

I could clearly see it was ex's handwriting. He sent photos of the envelope with the date stamp. Then, AP signed his name and left an email address.

I replied with a "thank you" and asked if he had anything else I could see.

Turned out he had names of at least one other person ex was having an affair with, dozens of emails and FB chats.

It was the gift I needed to finally get out of that marriage and walk away with a great settlement. I had PROOF of what he was doing.

Tell the wife. She probably already suspects.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4000 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, pet peeve. This is a generalization and there are many BS's that don't know and are totally blindsided. The assumption that all BS's "know" something is going on is one of those "urban myths" about infidelity that need to be dispelled.

have to agree with this. I was ABSOLUTELY blindsided. had NO idea my H was engaged in an EA and was actually allowing himself to fallinlove with OW

OP, definitely tell. whatever way you can get the info to her.


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's easy to generalize from ones own experience, as I'm sure you have done from time to time.
Yep, you are correct. I had so many flags thrown at me from mods about generalizing that I was scared I was going to get banned from the site. Wasn't offended, just a pet peeve.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed,

Please ttell her, but do not go to her place of work. That would be incredibly cruel.

She should noy suffer any more humiliation than she already has. The memory of learning her husband has not been faithful will be seared into her memory.

Do it as kindly as you can. Please.

How bout a letter to her work place with an email address to contact you once she is able? It wouldnt be intercepted if you sent it to her work, though she will have to deal with the shock while there.

I so often wish of the many people who knew what i didnt, someone would had at least tried to send an anonymous letter to inform me. I had to find out by getting an std.

Worse than getting an std is never knowing what's going on behind your back.

You could call her too maybe? I think its best you do not tell her in person. There will be extremeemotionon her part possibly when you do. Take yourself out of the pic, so to speak, while giving her the option to contact you for further info if she wants to.

TY for coming here to seek advice on an ugly situation.

Please dont ever become the OW ever again.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ashamed -

telling or not telling has everything to do with the woman married to this guy. she deserves to know. morally and ethically, she has a right to know. its not going to be easy to be the one to tell her (i had to out someone to his wife that my wife had been messing around with, it wasnt pleasant). it is the RIGHT thing to do.

it really is that simple. being a good person is all about doing the right thing. you know what the right thing to do is. that it isnt easy makes it all that much more of a test of your character. can you do the right thing even when its difficult?


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 467 | Registered: Jan 2014
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the camp of knowing something was wrong and believed WSO's assurances that no one else was involved. I was completely blindsided by the person who was the OW when he finally confessed.

Yes, tell BS everything that she wants to know. I think you should state the fact that her H has been cheating and unfaithful to her with you, and other women. Tell her you have emails and pictures to collaborate and you are ready to answer any questions she may have for you. I think an apology is the right thing to do, even if it doesn't go well.

If only the OW had come forward in my case....what a difference that would have made in so many ways....all preferable though. I would not have cared if it was for revenge, that's how important the message rather than the messager would have made for me.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I might offer a slightly different suggestion----

Some BSs might be ok with hearing directly from the OW.

Some may not.

Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?

She's going to have her world blown apart...she may not want to hear it from one of the people that knew about the bomb...

I commend you for coming here, and reaching out.
Please...stick around, and keep posting. You can find a lot of good help here.


Posts: 3282 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 56
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