I have thousands of emails and texts, along with pictures he has sent me, but I worry that they would be too graphic in detail to show her. I know that she will want proof (and he will likely continue to deny it regardless as he did with me) but I don't want her to be even more heartbroken having to read or see things she may not know about her husband.
I agree with the others who told you to tell her, she has the right to know. Even though she will hate you for it, you are doing the right thing. And definitely tell her you have the proof if she needs to see it.
After I ended my A I confessed to my XAP's BW and my only regret is that I had deleted all of the texts and emails that I could have used as proof. In my situation he denied it and did portray me as the crazy stalker who made the whole thing up....but even though she believed him, I at least hope that one day (if and when he does something like this again) she will realize that I was telling the truth.
I've recently read from several other betrayed spouses on here how "relieved" they've been once their suspicions were verified. I concur. Relieved! Can you imagine that? Most of us--even though we didn't know exactly what was wrong--knew something was wrong. As my SLAWH sat in front of me, on the bed (after handing me a box of tissues--so kind), and confessed, I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!
Do her a favor. You don't see it that way, but it is. Yes, physically she should be able to protect herself, but you are emotionally--in the long run--saving her, too. It IS the kind thing, now that the damage is done (on your part), to do. Thanks!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
So would I have appreciated honesty from her from the beginning? Very much so.
If I were the BW in your situation I would want you to state the facts, let me know you have proof if I want it and give me an email with which to contact you. I would also want a sincere apology.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
Also I know you didn't ask this but if there was any way possible I would also try to contact the BS of the two OW. Theirs husbands need to know as well for their health.
I almost wanted to laugh. It was a nervous laughter, a surreal laughter, but I was almost giddy! I really, truly, honestly was NOT crazy!!!
^^^this! She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't crazy.
I don't think your reason for telling her matters one iota. Even if it is for not other reason than to stick it to him. The result is still the same, she gets the truth, she gets to make choices, she gets some control over her life back.
You are doing the right thing.
She will believe you. She has probably seen signs. The texting and late nights. You did a bad thing here and have a chance to do one "good" thing and tell the BS.
Tell her abt the proof and let her decide if she wants it.
She "knows" even if she doesn't KNOW
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Glad you are in counseling....
[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 9:26 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]
I would suggest telling her in person, mostly bc if you do it any other way her H could intercept it. I speak from experience on this one.
Be gentle, be remorseful, and be prepared for her to not be nice to you. Know that you are doing the right thing regardless of her reaction.
I would print off some of the convincing emails and texts that do not have too much gory detail or slamming of her, but clearly convey the nature of the "relationship".
Good luck and thank you for being willing to do this.
I could clearly see it was ex's handwriting. He sent photos of the envelope with the date stamp. Then, AP signed his name and left an email address.
I replied with a "thank you" and asked if he had anything else I could see.
Turned out he had names of at least one other person ex was having an affair with, dozens of emails and FB chats.
It was the gift I needed to finally get out of that marriage and walk away with a great settlement. I had PROOF of what he was doing.
Tell the wife. She probably already suspects.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Sorry, pet peeve. This is a generalization and there are many BS's that don't know and are totally blindsided. The assumption that all BS's "know" something is going on is one of those "urban myths" about infidelity that need to be dispelled.
have to agree with this. I was ABSOLUTELY blindsided. had NO idea my H was engaged in an EA and was actually allowing himself to fallinlove with OW
OP, definitely tell. whatever way you can get the info to her.
It's easy to generalize from ones own experience, as I'm sure you have done from time to time.
Please ttell her, but do not go to her place of work. That would be incredibly cruel.
She should noy suffer any more humiliation than she already has. The memory of learning her husband has not been faithful will be seared into her memory.
Do it as kindly as you can. Please.
How bout a letter to her work place with an email address to contact you once she is able? It wouldnt be intercepted if you sent it to her work, though she will have to deal with the shock while there.
I so often wish of the many people who knew what i didnt, someone would had at least tried to send an anonymous letter to inform me. I had to find out by getting an std.
Worse than getting an std is never knowing what's going on behind your back.
You could call her too maybe? I think its best you do not tell her in person. There will be extremeemotionon her part possibly when you do. Take yourself out of the pic, so to speak, while giving her the option to contact you for further info if she wants to.
TY for coming here to seek advice on an ugly situation.
Please dont ever become the OW ever again.
telling or not telling has everything to do with the woman married to this guy. she deserves to know. morally and ethically, she has a right to know. its not going to be easy to be the one to tell her (i had to out someone to his wife that my wife had been messing around with, it wasnt pleasant). it is the RIGHT thing to do.
it really is that simple. being a good person is all about doing the right thing. you know what the right thing to do is. that it isnt easy makes it all that much more of a test of your character. can you do the right thing even when its difficult?
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Yes, tell BS everything that she wants to know. I think you should state the fact that her H has been cheating and unfaithful to her with you, and other women. Tell her you have emails and pictures to collaborate and you are ready to answer any questions she may have for you. I think an apology is the right thing to do, even if it doesn't go well.
If only the OW had come forward in my case....what a difference that would have made in so many ways....all preferable though. I would not have cared if it was for revenge, that's how important the message rather than the messager would have made for me.
Some BSs might be ok with hearing directly from the OW.
Some may not.
Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?
She's going to have her world blown apart...she may not want to hear it from one of the people that knew about the bomb...
I commend you for coming here, and reaching out.
Please...stick around, and keep posting. You can find a lot of good help here.