Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?
Imagine this was not an affair, but a planned robbery. You and this guy were planning to heist something, you were working under the impression (incorrectly) that no one would be hurt, the insurance company would pay for the lost item, etc. Then you find out that your partner is actually completely willing to kill in order to accomplish the task. You back out, obviously, because you would never be party to murder, but would you tell the authority's? Don't get me wrong, this is (legally speaking), very different, but from the BS perspective (of which I unfortunately am), the best way I can attempt to get you to understand how I feel about it.
If he was having unprotected sex with you, then he is most certainly having unprotected sex with AT LEAST the two other OW's (probably more), and given that, is probably also STILL engaged in sex with his spouse (which is also definitely unprotected).
The BS MUST be told, and must be told with all haste, it may already be too late, but it may not be.
I cannot speak for all bs's out there, but I have no animosity towards OW's/OM's that I do not call a friend. It's not their job to keep my partner from straying. If someone came to me to say they had been engaging in A with my partner, I would thank them for their honesty, ask the questions I needed to ask, make sure that their partner (if they had one) was going to be informed, and let them go on their way.
I instantly wish that I hadn't done it. I wanted to reach back into the mailbox and retrieve it, but couldn't. I'm so worried that the pain I will cause her by telling her is worse than the risk that he puts her in by having these affairs. I may have just ruined a family if she doesn't forgive him :(
I'm also terrified of his reaction - what if he tries to harm me? Is it normal to feel paranoid about my safety?
I just don't know if this was the right thing, but there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done.
It's scary to let go of the outcome. Be strong, you did the right thing.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I get downright angry when waywards on SI refuse to tell their BS. I can't imagine living my life not knowing my SO was having/or had an A. It's a disgusting thought. I always say a prayer that the BS finds out someday. You've answered that prayer for someone.
Here's my hope for you: You never do this kind of thing again, answer any questions from BS if they ask, and hold onto your integrity. I wouldn't worry about your safety too much. If anything, you may have earned a pass from the karma bus (or at least avoided a lethal blow). If you feel threatened in ANY way, get an RO.
[Edited to remove potentially judgemental statement]
[This message edited by MindMonkey at 10:45 AM, April 25th (Friday)]
I just found this post and I know it's after the fact but still wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I'm a BS and for the most part I agree that a BS deserves to know. But I don't always think it's the job of the AP to let the BS know. And I don't think you should have.
You knew this guy was married. If you wouldn't have found out he was having multiple affairs I believe there's a good chance you'd still be having an affair with him. I don't think you grew a conscience after the affair ended as much as you're just looking for some good old fashion revenge and/or lashing out for how you were hurt. You weren't concerned about his wife when you were screwing him but when you found out you weren't the only one now you are so concerned about the safety of his wife. Sorry, but I'm not buying that.
I also doubt he's been a serial cheater for 20+ years and his wife is clueless or thinks she has a great marriage or husband. Cheaters lie and he's lied to you just as much as he's lied to his wife.
I know you feel wronged because you weren't the only OW. But do you understand how crazy you have to be to think that you are in an exclusive cheating relationship with a cheater? Seriously, it's about as crazy as crazy gets. You knew the game. You played the game. You got hurt and now you want to spread the hurt around.
If you didn't know he was married then that's a totally different situation. But you knew. Now you want him to pay for doing something that you were absolutely fine with when it was happening.
Find out what's wrong with you. Move on from him and stop worrying about what he's getting away with. It's about you.
As far as mailing the package, decent chance he'll intercept it or be able to spin it as a crazy chick from work. I doubt it will accomplish what you were hoping for.
I came on here seeking advice from those who had been wronged, to find out whether or not they would have preferred not to know in hindsight. Had the majority said they would have preferred to remain unaware, I would not have told her. I don't hope to 'accomplish' anything with the letter other than to empower her with the truth.
I think you did the right thing and I think your intentions were valid. Yes, you did not intend to let the wife know when you thought it was just you but you did get tested to make sure you were clean and you did believe he was clean so I believe you thought the wife was not at risk for stds.
It was when you realized he was not truthful to you about your being his only other sexual partner that you were concerned that he was dnot truthful about his risk of stds.....rightly so. And you saw her increased risk.
If you just wanted to get revenge why would you have remorse after mailing? You would have had satisfaction.
I hope you have learned to never get involved in infidelity again.
Please post the results of your sending the package. I hope it helps her.
When people started to tell me, I didn't believe it, or want to. Luckily, they are still my friends now, though not as close as before.
What ended up happening, FWIW, is the only one who finally told me was OW herself. She gloated and tried to tell me "you don't understand our love."
I guess the point I wanted to make is that in my situation, many, many people knew-20-30 and more people knew including my very own mother and siblings. None of them told me.
Years later, what remains in my thinking is this stuff -not every day-but I find I haven't resolved this issue and have no trust for the people that knew.
It's so many emotions that I have now, after being in that wife's position in your post, that mostly I hang my head in shame and hide from the world because of what my x husband did. He also has a very large family, who all knew, and did not tell me, though had every chance. It is a feeling of being disrespected and shamed, among other things and not being taken seriously by him...or any of them.
Apologies for my long post. As I said, I lived in that wife's shoes for a long time.
I just read your post that you sent the wife information-I'm so proud. It's so hard. FWIW, I have a friend in similar situation and I told her my opinion as gently as I could.
WW in my situation never planned to tell me. He also returned four times and was going to continue his double life for as long as he could, playing both OW and me. We did not let him, once I knew and she has him now...she can keep 'im.
So to finish my long post, yes, I needed to know. For while I was living authentically, he was not and he needed to be stopped, so that we could.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
As I became more aware of his sexual activity, it became apparent that his wife, along with all his other AP's, unbeknownst to them, were being exposed to a high risk situation. Though what he did to me was wrong as well - and yes, I can't lie - it hurt - I accept that I took that risk when I signed on the dotted line. His wife, on the other hand, did not.
Even if he had been having protected sex, I would not have told her.
I'm sure that some people tell the BS out of revenge, or to gloat as the last post mentioned, but in this case, it is for safety. A few women mentioned being seriously ill because they ended up with STDs. If I can prevent this from happening to her, then I think it's the right thing.
I hate the fact that I have likely caused her pain by telling her. I was physically sick yesterday from it.
If I knew she was safe, I would have much rathered her remain happy and unaware.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
for those who doubt, the value is in the message, not the messenger.
Again, Thank You
I just wonder if she knew how to contact me, if she would. I have a name and number that is likely her but don't want to contact because if I am not 100% sure, I think she would not admit to it.
But maybe she thinks about it like you and thinks I deserve to know the truth. Hmmmmm....
No R. D FILED.