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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS - Would You Want to Know? Multiple Concurrent Affairs
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe itainteasy has made a wise suggestion here.

Is there anyone you could send in your stead? A trusted friend that could contact her, and tell her/give her the proof---and provide your contact info should the BS wish to speak to you?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 327 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
justasinger
♂ Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I would like to say, "Wow". This guy is a piece of work. Imagine the amount of lies he's been giving to his wife in 20+ years given the amount of lies he told you in the short time you were invoved. If you looked at this from a completely different (yet oddly similar) way.

Imagine this was not an affair, but a planned robbery. You and this guy were planning to heist something, you were working under the impression (incorrectly) that no one would be hurt, the insurance company would pay for the lost item, etc. Then you find out that your partner is actually completely willing to kill in order to accomplish the task. You back out, obviously, because you would never be party to murder, but would you tell the authority's? Don't get me wrong, this is (legally speaking), very different, but from the BS perspective (of which I unfortunately am), the best way I can attempt to get you to understand how I feel about it.
If he was having unprotected sex with you, then he is most certainly having unprotected sex with AT LEAST the two other OW's (probably more), and given that, is probably also STILL engaged in sex with his spouse (which is also definitely unprotected).
The BS MUST be told, and must be told with all haste, it may already be too late, but it may not be.
I cannot speak for all bs's out there, but I have no animosity towards OW's/OM's that I do not call a friend. It's not their job to keep my partner from straying. If someone came to me to say they had been engaging in A with my partner, I would thank them for their honesty, ask the questions I needed to ask, make sure that their partner (if they had one) was going to be informed, and let them go on their way.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took everyone's advice and sent a package to his wife today. I tried to be as kind as possible and apologized for my part in her betraying her.

I instantly wish that I hadn't done it. I wanted to reach back into the mailbox and retrieve it, but couldn't. I'm so worried that the pain I will cause her by telling her is worse than the risk that he puts her in by having these affairs. I may have just ruined a family if she doesn't forgive him :(

I'm also terrified of his reaction - what if he tries to harm me? Is it normal to feel paranoid about my safety?

I just don't know if this was the right thing, but there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving the BW the truth will not destroy the family. The A has already done that. She just didn't know it yet.

It's scary to let go of the outcome. Be strong, you did the right thing.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4510 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here. Thank you.

I get downright angry when waywards on SI refuse to tell their BS. I can't imagine living my life not knowing my SO was having/or had an A. It's a disgusting thought. I always say a prayer that the BS finds out someday. You've answered that prayer for someone.

Here's my hope for you: You never do this kind of thing again, answer any questions from BS if they ask, and hold onto your integrity. I wouldn't worry about your safety too much. If anything, you may have earned a pass from the karma bus (or at least avoided a lethal blow). If you feel threatened in ANY way, get an RO.

[Edited to remove potentially judgemental statement]

[This message edited by MindMonkey at 10:45 AM, April 25th (Friday)]


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
demos
♂ Member
Member # 35660
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed,

I just found this post and I know it's after the fact but still wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I'm a BS and for the most part I agree that a BS deserves to know. But I don't always think it's the job of the AP to let the BS know. And I don't think you should have.

You knew this guy was married. If you wouldn't have found out he was having multiple affairs I believe there's a good chance you'd still be having an affair with him. I don't think you grew a conscience after the affair ended as much as you're just looking for some good old fashion revenge and/or lashing out for how you were hurt. You weren't concerned about his wife when you were screwing him but when you found out you weren't the only one now you are so concerned about the safety of his wife. Sorry, but I'm not buying that.

I also doubt he's been a serial cheater for 20+ years and his wife is clueless or thinks she has a great marriage or husband. Cheaters lie and he's lied to you just as much as he's lied to his wife.

I know you feel wronged because you weren't the only OW. But do you understand how crazy you have to be to think that you are in an exclusive cheating relationship with a cheater? Seriously, it's about as crazy as crazy gets. You knew the game. You played the game. You got hurt and now you want to spread the hurt around.

If you didn't know he was married then that's a totally different situation. But you knew. Now you want him to pay for doing something that you were absolutely fine with when it was happening.

Find out what's wrong with you. Move on from him and stop worrying about what he's getting away with. It's about you.

As far as mailing the package, decent chance he'll intercept it or be able to spin it as a crazy chick from work. I doubt it will accomplish what you were hoping for.


Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2012
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely deserve that, but I'm not as malicious as you would believe me to be.

I came on here seeking advice from those who had been wronged, to find out whether or not they would have preferred not to know in hindsight. Had the majority said they would have preferred to remain unaware, I would not have told her. I don't hope to 'accomplish' anything with the letter other than to empower her with the truth.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AshamedOW, no, you did not deserve that. IMO the PP was out of line. Yeah, we're cheaters, we get it. You, AshamedOW, did the right thing. I'm sorry some people can't see beyond their own hurt, and feel the need to come in here flinging around unfounded accusations and insults.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AshamedOW,

I think you did the right thing and I think your intentions were valid. Yes, you did not intend to let the wife know when you thought it was just you but you did get tested to make sure you were clean and you did believe he was clean so I believe you thought the wife was not at risk for stds.

It was when you realized he was not truthful to you about your being his only other sexual partner that you were concerned that he was dnot truthful about his risk of stds.....rightly so. And you saw her increased risk.

If you just wanted to get revenge why would you have remorse after mailing? You would have had satisfaction.

I hope you have learned to never get involved in infidelity again.

Please post the results of your sending the package. I hope it helps her.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 503 | Registered: Apr 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed you did the right thing. Information from an AP would be hard to digest. My WH cheated multiple times before I found out, and I only found out because he got careless with his PA. It took a lot of detective work to piece together the past. Would I have been angry hearing from an AP, at first yes. But the truth is more important.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4510 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not easy.

When people started to tell me, I didn't believe it, or want to. Luckily, they are still my friends now, though not as close as before.

What ended up happening, FWIW, is the only one who finally told me was OW herself. She gloated and tried to tell me "you don't understand our love."

I guess the point I wanted to make is that in my situation, many, many people knew-20-30 and more people knew including my very own mother and siblings. None of them told me.

Years later, what remains in my thinking is this stuff -not every day-but I find I haven't resolved this issue and have no trust for the people that knew.

It's so many emotions that I have now, after being in that wife's position in your post, that mostly I hang my head in shame and hide from the world because of what my x husband did. He also has a very large family, who all knew, and did not tell me, though had every chance. It is a feeling of being disrespected and shamed, among other things and not being taken seriously by him...or any of them.

Apologies for my long post. As I said, I lived in that wife's shoes for a long time.

I just read your post that you sent the wife information-I'm so proud. It's so hard. FWIW, I have a friend in similar situation and I told her my opinion as gently as I could.

WW in my situation never planned to tell me. He also returned four times and was going to continue his double life for as long as he could, playing both OW and me. We did not let him, once I knew and she has him now...she can keep 'im.

So to finish my long post, yes, I needed to know. For while I was living authentically, he was not and he needed to be stopped, so that we could.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2364 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
AshamedOW
New Member
Member # 43046
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mainlyinpain: this is my exact perspective. It's not that I "grew a conscience" overnight. I've had one all along despite what I did. Fact of the matter is that regardless of how insensitive my actions were, I honestly thought she was at low risk. I hadn't slept with anyone in 2 years before entering the affair, and yet still tested to be sure.

As I became more aware of his sexual activity, it became apparent that his wife, along with all his other AP's, unbeknownst to them, were being exposed to a high risk situation. Though what he did to me was wrong as well - and yes, I can't lie - it hurt - I accept that I took that risk when I signed on the dotted line. His wife, on the other hand, did not.

Even if he had been having protected sex, I would not have told her.

I'm sure that some people tell the BS out of revenge, or to gloat as the last post mentioned, but in this case, it is for safety. A few women mentioned being seriously ill because they ended up with STDs. If I can prevent this from happening to her, then I think it's the right thing.

I hate the fact that I have likely caused her pain by telling her. I was physically sick yesterday from it.

If I knew she was safe, I would have much rathered her remain happy and unaware.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A general reminder to the BS's posting here. Post respectfully per the guidelines of this forum, or your posting privileges will be removed.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37608 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

another BH here. thank you.

for those who doubt, the value is in the message, not the messenger.

Again, Thank You


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LovelyDaffodils
♀ Member
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed-
I appreciate that you wanted to let the BS know. It makes me wonder about my WH's OW. He says he lied, said he was single, gave her a fake name. She finally figured out he was married and ended it. I wonder if she has the same concerns for me. They had unprotected sex and he says that she was routinely tested -as a nurse (?) But she told him other than few times with her exH had not had sex in 2 years. Why was she D from her ex? His cheating!!! WH told her he hadn't had sex in 2 years as well. I think he just copies the stories he gets- easier than making something up. Just says "me too"

I just wonder if she knew how to contact me, if she would. I have a name and number that is likely her but don't want to contact because if I am not 100% sure, I think she would not admit to it.
But maybe she thinks about it like you and thinks I deserve to know the truth. Hmmmmm....


BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 75 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
April3216
♀ Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found this post, and while late in the game I am a BS and was sent a package by the OW 3 weeks postpartum. WHILE I hate her for what she's done to me, it was all his fault. He made a cardinal sin and promised her the world, and when that didn't happen, BOOM. She was apologetic in her letter, however, wanted revenge. He was cheating on me for TEN years, if she never told me it would have continued for another ten. So I am glad you told her.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Topic Posts: 56
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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