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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: OW overnight question
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want in the parenting plan that neither STBXWH (or me) can have overnight guest of opposite sex when it is our parenting time (unless relative) for 6 months after D is final. Anyone been successful getting this in their plan? My STBXWH is insensitive of DD15's emotional needs and continues to upset her. This will give her time to acclimate to the whole idea of dad's girlfriend and seeing them together without throwing ow at her

STBXWH says I can't control him after the D is final and that is trying to control him. I see it as setting boundaries when parenting. Any thoughts?


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can try to get that language put in, but it is often struck out, and you will have a heck of a time enforcing it. You can try on principle to get it in there, but you may just be spending lots of $$$ for naught.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9458 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't really have that option but I was able to put language to the effect that significant others are not allowed to be alone with our children at any time (OM was convicted of beating his spouse, went to prison for DV and threatened his own ex when writing from jail, so it's a genuine concern).

STBXWW was very angry but couldn't do much.

So it really depends on how you phrase it. When talking to the mediator I asked about "minimum standards of conduct for significant others", and the mediator mentioned the template language that was most similar.

Agreed though, it may not be enforceable but my kid is old enough she could be told she's not allowed to be with OM alone because of the agreement (without telling her about the DV convictions so as to not "alienate".

Mute point now it seems since the A is apparently over. But it was certainly satisfying.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 680 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can sleep with all the sluts he wants when DD15 is not around. In our case, it's not the moral issue of not being married (DD25 lived with her SO before they were married and even had a baby before married) my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly. I want the overnight language in the plan to encourage him to ease DD15 into it. My other kids are adults and can come and go if they are uncomfortable with a situation. DD15 is working with her therapist on a safe word or phrase that she can say or text to a sibling when she feels the situation is overbearing on her. It happened recently and DD15 said she felt stuck with no way to leave (not an overnight or even OW present it was merely a conversation about OW)


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to get no overnight guests until the kids were 18 unless he was engaged and then had to be separate bedrooms and can only share a bed if they are married. After the kids are 18 there are no limitations. We went thru mediation and my mediator knew this was a hard line for me that I would not budge on since XWH had a history of online trolling and only admitted to one affair to his attorney (mine informed otherwise). This stipulation has been a godsend and actually has prevented him from playing happy family in his land of rainbows and my kids are ever so grateful. I of course informed them of this clause and XWH was surprised I shared it...they are 16 and 14 why wouldn't I??? The same also applies to me as well but I have never had impulse control issues. Good luck!


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
tennis26
♀ New Member
Member # 39585
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have language in our draft joint agreement that says neither of us can introduce the kids to SO for a year. Also that neither co-habitates prior to remarriage while there are minors living in the house. Also we discuss the introduction of SO before kids are introduced. I want to be prepared!
He previously agreed to these terms but hasn't responded to the draft yet...so we'll see. He is certainly the king of breaking promises so I wouldn't be surprised.
I'd give up a lot of the money he's throwing at me to make sure the kids aren't exposed to him and OW while going through all the pain of having their parents split up.


Me BS 44, Him WS 44
Married 17 yrs 4 kids-3,6,10,15
Day 5/23/13 divorcing

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can try, it is very hard to prove this situation is happening though.

I wanted the 12 month clause put in ours, the lawyer took it out though as it was pointless as the ex had already introduced the kids to the OW prior to separation so it was pretty clear he already had no morals.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1307 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly.

Note that this is the reason why and have back up from her physician or therapist to that effect.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a much better chance of getting that language than some of the rest of us. I had no chance. I tried but was shot down. I had bigger fish to fry, though.

(Not that having your children's other parent whore around isn't a big deal. It most certainly is. I just had a whole different set of problems to deal with.)


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9458 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am following your post... WH wants to take ,5,7,9,11,13 for sleepover at ow house


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put it in the divorce petition we both just signed. I think he signed it because he really wanted the house, and some $$ from his retirement acct. Maybe if you have some leverage.


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
D Filed 4/

Posts: 104 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put that into our parenting plan, basically no third parties during visitation time unless they are related to the child. He's not fighting it because my 9 yr old has told him he wants no part of OW or her family. my 16 year old will not speak with him as long as he's with the OW and my 18 yr old has written him off completely.

He had the A in a very public way and my kids saw her chasing their dad and hated her from jump, so she's not a stranger and she burned her bridge with them and his family, all doors have been closed to them.

The only thing he seems to understand that it's best to not push the issue of having her around our son. And it kills her that he spends a good portion of Sunday's away from her because his kid hates her.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a few people on SI have put them in, but they are damn near impossible to enforce.

However, if she is 15, and doesn't feel comfortable with the idea, I would not force her to go. He is making his choice, and like many of the XWH's here, he is choosing OW over DD. She doesn't have to pretend it's ok.

edited to add this:

my concern is DD15 has social anxiety and depression and that STBXWH will be forcing this new life and new person on DD15 quickly.
I would definitely NOT force visitation if he insists on having OW around.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:06 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had it put into mine. No overnights with the opposite sex (excluding family) for one year. He never broke it. My kids would have told me. I was really adamant about this one and would have dragged his ass into court if he had, just to make a point.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am following your post... WH wants to take ,5,7,9,11,13 for sleepover at ow house

Sorry for the t/j.....

X is going to take 5 kids to the ow's house for a sleepover? I'd almost let him....it would probably be the first and last time.........


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
Topic Posts: 15

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