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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stressed about xAP
Shatteredreality
♀ New Member
Member # 42481
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying, I really commend you for wanting to do the right thing. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, wanting to be accountable but knowing that your H has a brick wall up.

From what you've written in the past, I can see how knowing the AP is nearby could really stir you up. Gently, it sounds like you are pretty lonely in your marriage, and your Hs reaction to finding out about your A (does not want to discuss at all, doesn't want to deal with your loneliness and your feelings, wouldn't want to help you deal with this) exacerbates your feelings of loneliness... The AP being in your city is yet another thing that shows that your H just doesn't want to deal with your "stuff".

What if you presented it to your H in terms that you're really struggling and need his help? Do you think he'd respond to an explicit request for help, or would he shut you down?

I think "I don't want to bring it up because things are going so well between us" can be a really slippery slope to conflict avoidance, which actually causes more problems than it solves.


WS

An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2014
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the idea of a letter without the AP's name in it. Hell, I'd even just call him AP. :)

But really, I'd just blurt it out one day. Very simple, very direct. "While meeting with a client yesterday, the client told me that AP moved here. I'm maintaining no contact with AP, and I will not violate that, but I felt it was important for you to know."

Then drop it & move on since he's still brick-walled.

If you opt for the KISS method, you won't be "dumping your anxieties on him." You're simply respecting the trust aspects of your relationship.

Also, never bank on this:

He will never seek me out so in that sense I'm safe.

You've got to build your indifference with the premise that he may. Because really, he may. When/if his environment becomes toxic again, you'd be a "safe" or at least a "known" escape.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

your Hs reaction to finding out about your A (does not want to discuss at all, doesn't want to deal with your loneliness and your feelings, wouldn't want to help you deal with this) exacerbates your feelings of loneliness... The AP being in your city is yet another thing that shows that your H just doesn't want to deal with your "stuff".

Yes. Yes. Exactly this. I feel like he will get annoyed if I tell him. Annoyed that I am spilling out and can't contain my shit and deal with my "own problems". But that sounds so fucked up because he's my husband and married people are supposed to help each other with difficult things.. support eachother and work as a team. My H and I are still working towards that.. we've never been brilliant at that as essentially we're both inherently selfish people.

So, when people tell me to tell him, I just wonder what the point is as I don't see him supporting me or that he'll work with me.

What if you presented it to your H in terms that you're really struggling and need his help? Do you think he'd respond to an explicit request for help, or would he shut you down?

I genuinely believe he will shut me down or ignore me or change the subject or pretend he didn't hear me. Basically it will be dismissed because he's just not ready to face the fact that his wife betrayed him. He just doesn't want to go there. He'd rather pretend it never happened and he's said as much.. SO when I bring it up he get's pissed off as to him he thinks he's managed to get over it and give me the gift of R so why can't I just let it be and be graceful about it. And this

exacerbates your feelings of loneliness.

Does any of that make sense?

blurt it out one day. Very simple, very direct. "While meeting with a client yesterday, the client told me that AP moved here. I'm maintaining no contact with AP, and I will not violate that, but I felt it was important for you to know."

Then drop it & move on since he's still brick-walled.

I think this is the direction I'm leaning towards. We are going away for a weekend.. a trip we've been planning for a few months now.. it's just 48 hours away without the kids and away from work so I'm hoping we can bond a bit. If the opportunity arises I shall do the above. Discreet, casual then move on. If he asks me to elaborate then great. If he doesn't then at least he's aware of what's going on.

As for this;

Because really, he may. When/if his environment becomes toxic again, you'd be a "safe" or at least a "known" escape.

Without the risk of romanticising, xAP always assured me, he cares enough about me to never intervene in my M once the A ended.. that he knows better than anyone that my M has no chance of being successful if he ever comes near me. I know this could change at any point, but I'd like to think he will stick to his words.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, when people tell me to tell him, I just wonder what the point is as I don't see him supporting me or that he'll work with me.

It doesn't matter. I think you should tell him anyway. If he chooses to ignore it, well then that's his choice. Bc nonetheless, it's the right thing to do.

Choose to be truthful whether you feel your BS desires it or not. Do it bc you are a completely honest person now, not one who keeps secrets.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

Gently..

Don't let conflict avoidance rule your decision to do the right thing. It is your responsibility in this case to protect your marriage and inform your BH of your xAP being near to your home.
However your BH reacts, you will have done the right thing.
If you blurt it out, write it down or yell it out in frustration at least he will be informed.

He is going to have to face this one way or the other. I believe he just wants it to go away. Infidelity just doesn't go away. It has infinite implications on a relationship. Whether that relationship survives or ends..


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girl, I swear our H/XH are brothers from another mother. This:

I genuinely believe he will shut me down or ignore me or change the subject or pretend he didn't hear me. Basically it will be dismissed because he's just not ready to face the fact that his wife betrayed him. He just doesn't want to go there. He'd rather pretend it never happened and he's said as much.. SO when I bring it up he get's pissed off as to him he thinks he's managed to get over it and give me the gift of R so why can't I just let it be and be graceful about it.

is so much like mine it's uncanny.

I do agree with the others, though, that he should be informed. I like splitintwo's idea: direct, succinct, and to the point.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2088 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 26
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