Y is she going back to me ex GF and saying I still hold a torch.
The only person that brings my xGF up is my BS.
Accepted my x GF cheated on me, but again that was 20 yrs ago, am I bitter, No, do I think Y, No, do I care, NO !
I don't know what to do, I am losing her
Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.
Married 2.5 years
Our jobs are to listen, and then to take action. You cannot get defensive while she is processing this fear.
If your wife has even a smudge of doubt in regards to your honesty and authenticity, you can bet your hide she doubts other relationships in your life. After all, if you can lie about A, what stops you from lying about B?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
SL, I'm sensing frustration and maybe even some anger. Am I getting that right? You have every right to feel frustrated or angry. Just make sure you direct your ire at the right person. That'd be yourself, for the record. Not olwen. She didn't ask for any of this, and it is your job to help her feel safe in the M now, and to be patient and understanding while she processes and heals from the hurt you perpetrated on her. The conventional wisdom around here is, that can take five years, or longer. Because of your betrayal, olwen may very well have irrational fears or worries, like the one you're bringing up here about xGF.
Just because olwen's fear may not necessarily be grounded in fact, as perhaps in this particular instance, her feelings are completely valid and understandable. If you're serious about helping her heal, and becoming a safe & trustworthy H again, I suggest you be very careful about how you react when she brings up fears or worries. Especially ones that you do not agree with or comprehend.
It may not make sense to you, but nothing about this makes any sense. Olwen's world was shattered and whatever seemed logical to her in the past is no longer logical. You need to understand and respect that.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."