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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: resisting meds
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In March, I went off my Zoloft. I'd been on it for 18 months. My doc said, "at least a year, maybe life", so I weaned off when my issues came back like when I was overmedicated when I was on my "regular" dose (small...only 50mg).

Overall, I'm fine. My insomnia came back for a few weeks (stupid DST makes it worse), but definitely felt stable.

I've been anxious the last couple of days, and today was even worse. Can't concentrate, self-medicating with every white flour I can find, craving beer, all that.

I know the root. I don't do well watching those I care about fight cancer, and I'm going to visit this weekend. She's stage 4 ovarian (they restaged her with this iteration...years back, they labeled her 3c). Anyway, her cancer number is back up even though she's been on chemo for a year or so, & they're switching her chemo for the fourth time since one of the tumor sites isn't responding....the first chemo drug helped most everywhere else, even the tumors in her brain.

Anyway, what I can't figure out is why I refuse to take my Ativan. Well, I did cave & take half, and it took the edge off, curbed the cravings, too. But why do I fight this? I fight it every. single. time. Do I just like to suffer? I mean, WTH? I get "better" within about 15 min of taking the pill. Why do I deny myself the quick fix? It feels completely irrational.

Just venting, I suppose...but if you do the same & you know why, please enlighten me. :)


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I know I have a background fear of developing an addiction to Ativan, and I could easily get my doc to keep me on it long term. So...hmm...I suspect it may be a fear-driven resistance. It just baffles me that I fight it at the time.

Like today, I was sitting on the couch, avoiding work, petting the cat, and thinking "This is anxiety. I have pills for this. Go take a pill, it will make it stop." But instead, I went in the kitchen & got a bagel. WTF?


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, bagels are delicious! No judgement there.

I have resisted going on meds even though I've been told for years my sleep would improve if I did. Speaking only for myself, admitting I need the meds is sign that I am not strong enough to handle things on my own. Don't be as dumb and irrational as me.


Posts: 172 | Registered: Mar 2014
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe on some level you think that you deserve to suffer, but I doubt that's what you actually want to do. Do you think it is because you want to feel like you have control or the illusion of control in your life with everything that is going on?

Before I got on my meds, I was HIGHLY resistant to any notion that I might need medication. I gave myself a million and one excuses, but mostly, I didn't think that I had a problem.

I was on Zoloft for a while, a bit higher dosing, at about 150mg a day. I switched because I am a sex addict and I have a severe problem with sexual arousal and thoughts and the Zoloft seemed to work okay, but my "blues" were still there. I switched to Paxil and while I still feel depressed a lot of days, more so since I have moved out of the home that I shared with my wife and son, I know that I don't have control over anything in my life and that my meds (anti-nightmare/ptsd, anti-compulsive behavior, anti-depressant) are necessary so that I could have some breathing room to function and think more clearly.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd place money it's a control issue. In my mind, I *should be able to do this med-free. And by this, I mean simple things--live. Get through the day. Focus. It's so defeating to want to do something but be unable to find the "off" switch for whatever is taking over my brain at the time.

Apparently, ativan knocks me out...once it took the edge off, I made myself do some work, slept-walked through the next few hours, then passed out hard while my girls watched a movie. Even now, I'm ready for bed, & that's somewhat abnormal at this hour.

I got a PM noting the anxiety return may be related to going off Zoloft. That's highly possible. I have the anxiety type of depression, so spending the morning anxious was familiar...very BTDT. That's a good thing though, as I wouldn't want it to be something new...after reading through some stories on another forum, apparently anxiety can begin in people for the first time post-SSRIs.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd place money it's a control issue. In my mind, I *should be able to do this med-free. And by this, I mean simple things--live. Get through the day. Focus. It's so defeating to want to do something but be unable to find the "off" switch for whatever is taking over my brain at the time.
Apparently, ativan knocks me out...once it took the edge off, I made myself do some work, slept-walked through the next few hours, then passed out hard while my girls watched a movie. Even now, I'm ready for bed, & that's somewhat abnormal at this hour.

I got a PM noting the anxiety return may be related to going off Zoloft. That's highly possible. I have the anxiety type of depression, so spending the morning anxious was familiar...very BTDT. That's a good thing though, as I wouldn't want it to be something new...after reading through some stories on another forum, apparently anxiety can begin in people for the first time post-SSRIs.

Another thought that I had was that maybe you are self-sabotaging? Things seem to be going okay and life seems normal, but it really isn't normal to you? You have a feeling that something is about to wrong so you panic and do something that brings on the event so you can self-fulfill the prophecy?

I'm not a therapist and don't have any training or credentials, just speaking from my own experience.

How are you doing besides the anxiety? Are you considering going on another SSRI? Are you seeing a therapist? I think talking it over with someone might help with the anxiety. Best of luck to you.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I understand, ativan is not exactly habit form, certainly not like xanax. What happens is, it loses its effectiveness. I may be wrong, but that is what I've read and what was explained tome. I was prescribed it, as needed, and also have a fear of the things you stated, having addiction in my family. I take it rarely, but it does take the edge off.

Talk to your doctor about your concerns.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about whether I'm self-sabotaging, and I don't think that's it. This was definitely a brain chemistry thing.

I'm fine today. I took the pill on Wed, which basically made me want to sleep the rest of the day, but it snapped the progression in my brain. I worked & got some "fun" tasks off my list yesterday. Today, I feel good. I'm about to do some work, then it's off to an art fest & dinner out with BH.

Tomorrow, I drive to see my stepmom. That's why I think my setback is likely related to her; I'd just talked to her a day or two prior to full-on anxiety, and I'm bracing myself for how bad she may be by the time I get there. Or, she may still have her color & be fighting. We'll see.

I have the anxiety form of depression. It feeds itself & it is nearly impossible for me to snap a bad cycle once it starts without using meds.

When I self-medicate, it's with beer, and alcoholism runs in my family (sober since Jan 1). Certain meds are hmm. a bit of a risk for those of us with alcoholic tendencies. Zoloft is one, as I can drink on it & it heightens the effect of beer. Zoloft also pairs awesomely with Fioricet (migraine meds), so I had to be extra cautious about taking that so that I didn't get addicted to that combination.

Ativan is another one that's in the "be very wary" category. The side effects (aside from the fatigue, which was a new reaction for me) are very comparable to having a few beers. So. I'm hyperaware of when I take it, and I stick to the "half pill, no more than one a day, skip a day between" rule of thumb. I've had my 30-day supply for almost a year, and I've taken maybe 6 half pills. Still. I keep my distance from it since it creates the escape I crave.

Anyway, I'm still new to this "no Zoloft, so now what" method of dealing. I don't want another SSRI if I can avoid it. I just need to create the next phase of internal dialogue that gets me to grab the pill instead of the bagel (and jelly beans and crackers and whatever else I could find) when the anxiety settles in so that I can make it go away & start fresh.

I think I'll create a "intense craving for beer = get Ativan immediately" rule.

Also, I know this topic is a bit OT for this particular forum, but I'm new to SI (since late Mar) & most comfortable in this forum, so thanks for tolerating it. :) It does seem that quite a few of us on the WS side of the equation have issues like this...it's oddly comforting to know I'm not alone.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take Prozac (and god bless whoever invented it).

I really dislike taking meds. I used to stop whenever I felt better. Then I felt worse...I've taken klonopin in the past (seriously addictive). Same thing...

What keeps me on the meds now is to think of it this way -- there's a chemical quirk in my brain. The meds fix that quirk. If I had a broken leg, I wouldn't refuse a cast. I'd wear it! My brain needs a cast, so to speak.

Don't know if that will help you, but it helps me.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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