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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First steps
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH knows that I am highly ambivalent about R, and actually leaning toward D, but he is trying hard to woo me. Some days I want to be convinced; others I am sure I don't. Within 24 hrs of being discovered, WH initiated NC (though it took 2 weeks to really stick). He has answered questions with candor. He got himself to IC and is reading books on recovery. And he has been sending me "check in" messages every day at work.

Today's was this, in response to a repeat question I asked for the umpteenth time (and yes, he did answer the questions before adding this):

That teeter board youíre on must be exhausting.

Your confidence is shattered. Trust is non-existent. I want to do everything I can to help you feel steady, like youíre on solid ground again. Iím not tired of answering those questions. I will happily answer them again and again if that is what I must do to assure you that things are as they should be. I am happily transparent so you can check on my words to see if I ever lie to you again. I havenít been lying and I wonít.

I want you. Only you.

I choose you every day.

Does this sound sincere, or like total BS? I have no faith in my ability to tell any more.

[This message edited by krispy47 at 12:19 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You won't like this, but the only way to tell if it is sincere is time. That sucks but R (at least in the beginning) is somewhat of a leap of faith. Time and verifying everything in the beginning is what shows you if his words are sincere...because his actions will meet those words. All that matters is do his actions everyday meet those words and meet your needs in order to recover. Do not settle for anything less...but know that it is time that is the arbiter of sincere and it is actions that matter, not pretty words. Him doing the work day in and day out.

Don't feel pushed into R, take your time, use the time to watch his actions.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 553 | Registered: Apr 2009
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds sincere, but it could be a lie. As NMD says, if his actions over time deliver what he's promising, then you know he's sincere.

I'll say this: as part of a reply to a repeat question, and as long as he actually answered your question, I think sincerity is a pretty good bet.

I took 90 days to observe my W before committing to R. Longer probably would have been better. Shirley Glass defines a period of 'working on the M'. It sounds like that's what you're doing. Makes sense to me....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 3

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