The GPS will tell you where he is but not who he is with. The PI will do just that. He will also take pictures. I understand you cannot afford one, so check the cell program. It is better than nothing.
Unfortunately, I think it possible that you'll be unable to find the key to the unit. Don't firefighters have lockers and so on at the fire station? Since the storage unit is close to where your husband works and his workplace is open 24/24, I think he might keep the key(s) there.
I think the storage unit is almost certainly his. I enjoy crime dramas, but I don't think the unit will contain the dead bodies. But nonetheless, in my experience, even well-managed storage units can be creepy places, so I agree that you shouldn't go there alone.
I'm so sorry, Dyinginside21, but like the other posters, I think your WH has no intent to reconcile and is probably using it to hide something from you, in careful preparation for a divorce. As others have said, he might well be concealing valuable items from his father's estate, especially if his mother is also dead, or he is an only child. Or maybe furniture, and other things he's bought for a new love-nest. Or.....in the UK, lots of firefighters have a second job. Is it the same here in the USA? If so, maybe he's hiding things connected with a second job, for which he may be paid in cash. And he's either using to finance his extra-marital activities, or hiding from you and the taxman, again in preparation to appear less wealthy at the time of a divorce.
I guess it's just possible that he signed up for it on behalf of a friend or colleague who was a wayward spouse and wanted to rent one. If he's not the forgetful sort, it might explain why he was apparently unconcerned about leaving the spare enter-card in his drawer at your house. I don't think the use of units as trysting places is at all unusual, in my area, at least. Because of its location, it might be very useful to a wayward colleague. But I doubt it. I also question whether the OW definitely lives alone. (If she didn't, couldn't your WH easily have sent her a fake NC letter, with her collusion?) If she doesn't live alone, or is a fellow firefighter, the unit might also be very useful to them. but it would definitely be very useful to your husband for so many reasons....
[This message edited by Cally60 at 10:20 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]
$150 per month sound like a lot of $. My current H & I had one for our overflow stuff before we moved and ours was $70. It was approximately the size of a one car garage.
I think it probably depends on the area it's in. We had one in California, a couple of years ago. It was about the size of an average garage and the monthly rent was $177.
[This message edited by Cally60 at 5:53 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]
As a fireman he does have a set of work keys for his locker and he also uses those to keep other keys he needs on them. He would never keep them at work. Long story short; the lockers are not secure. They have to have a master key on site and fireman like to play pranks. It's more likely that he has them on his other set, which he always keeps in his car so he doesn't ever forget them. He has ADHD and losing keys, wallets, etc. are like a daily issue. To avoid that he would keep them with what I know to be his work keys and would never be of use to me. Safe thinking on his part, he assumes.
The only reason why this could very likely having nothing to do with the OW is because this is typical of him separate from his A. If his best friends wife gave him his friends boat and he knows that I would not approve cause we have no use for a boat right now, I can see him keeping it from me and storing it like the selfish 5 year old he is.
I am in no way negating the fact that this could very well have to do with OW, but it could also be just a bad (in my eyes) that he is hiding anything unrelated to A from me in a storage unit for 8 months. Period! It's the secrecy that angers me. That hurts me. How fucked up must you be???
The close proximity to his job is convenient for him. Close proximity to her home isn't necessarily significant. She lives close by to his station. That's how they met. She brought her son to the fire station for a visit. Gave him the single mother sob story and the rest is history as they say.
I ran this by the therapist and she advised that I DO NOT confront him alone. Not out of fear for my safely, which I am not worried about either, but she offered to be in the room if and when I chose to. She says she would help keep him from stonewalling or help keep him from manipulating the conversation.
Sitting on this for now. She offered and told me to let her know when I was ready. He'll be home tomorrow morning and he says he wants to "talk". If I cant get a confession or if I just am not happy with the way our conversation goes, I will make my next move.
The voice activated devices or GPS devices all sound great, but I cant decide which one will help me best. I keep reading that the GPS devices are hard to install if you don't know what you are doing. I don't want to spend a couple hundred dollars on a unit I cant install.
Most of the VAD's I looked at seemed reasonable, but if he is playing the radio on his way to work am I going to get 2 hours of radio music?? LOL!
Im working on getting my mom to visit over Easter weekend and I may have an excursion to go on while she is here.
My patience is wearing thin but at this point, since he doesn't know what I know, he isn't going to be moving anything any time soon.
Here's hoping for a confession tomorrow.
Again, thank you for all who have read my post and who have taken the time to post a suggestion or offers of strength. My best friend checked in on me today and I told her it was like mourning a death but that I had a great support group!! Thank you!!!!
IMHO: confront him, make him take you there and show you it. THAT VERY DAY! No excuses or kick his ass to the curb.
How, are you two going to build a M if he is hiding the storage unit and you are hiding that you know about it?
My fear on reading he wanted to "talk" is he plans on divorcing.
Are you doing ok? Update us when you can, and stay strong. Anyone deserves better than someone so selfish.
Okay so we had another long talk session. Three hours of a productive (meaning no fighting) discussion. I got him to confess to the storage unit without having to confront him. This came out after I reiterated my need for full transparency and that he just has to deal with it no matter how uncomfortable it makes him.
He is still so wrapped up in his own "self healing" that he says he is struggling with how to help me and help himself be a better man at the same time. I said that is what your therapist is for. She has already told him that he is not ready for full MC but that does not mean he cant help fix the shit he caused by having the A while also working on himself.
He says he gets it now. Slow learner!! We will see.
Apparently I forgot that he had another friend pass away before his friend and father did and the daughter of the friend left him some furniture and antiques. He bought a lot of this stuff to our home, but the bulk of it he put in storage. He says he told me he was going to get the unit, but since he never followed up with me about the actual rental or discussed the cost of said rental unit that I forgot. So much happened during that time as well as his own fathers illness and then passing afterward that I had forgotten about it all.
I made it clear that even though I do recall the mention of him considering getting the unit to store furniture, he still failed to have an adult conversation with his wife about it and didn't disclose how much money was being spent on it. Now what still doesn't make sense is the dates of the ledger the manager sent me. It says he opened it in July of last year, but this friend died before his father and friend died. I need to find out exactly when it was opened. I felt that he was being truthful, but I still feel like I need to know more. I think I just want to feel informed, ya know? He says he will empty the unit by the end of the month.
He also FINALLY understands and agreed to the NC letter. Says he wants me to help him write it so that I am comfortable with it. He admits to stonewalling me on this issue because he was putting too much value on her feelings, and their "friendship" but that he gets why her feelings don't matter. He gets why it was never a platonic "friendship" and how she is just as damaged as he was to be okay with their "relationship" for so long. He says he gets that in order for him to change he has to do the uncomfortable things. I said, "If it feels uncomfortable to do something then it's probably the right thing to do." He has been such a selfish asshole his whole life that he doesn't know how to be selfless.
Too many people have suffered at the hands of his selfish ways and he says he sees how it has impacted us, our kids and every relationship he has ever had.
He is trying to get "right with god" (his words) and I am supportive of his efforts, but so far god has his full attention and I am getting nothing. At least not what counts right now.
Says he is struggling to work at both. Says he needs the right tools to be the husband I deserve.
Now it's just a wait and see. I am less traumatized every day. Some days I feel like shit and others less like shit. I have gotten my appetite back slightly. Gained back 2 pounds of the 12 I lost since D-day. Im not reduced to tears at every waking moment.
I just need him to do the work. I hear him. I appreciate his efforts to be a better person. I appreciate his words, because he doesn't have to say them, but I will believe it when I see it, plain and simple. Once the NC letter is written and sent it will help.
The NC letter should be nothing he struggles over and he Absolutely HAS to write this himself and let you see it. It should be very straightforward and to the point. It Should state something to the effect of I was an ass and did not act with honor. What we did was wrong. I see that now. I choose to out my wife and our relationship first and because of this O ask that you never contact me again.
Sign his name that's it.
If you write it it will not mean as much to him and I would tell him he does it in the next 24 hours.
He seems to be defogging but he doesn't get it yet. Guard your heart.
(((( and strength))))
[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:00 PM, April 14th (Monday)]
I think someone from the office called him and tipped him off. Perhaps they had more to add to their answer when you called...details you asked for but they didnt have at the time...and they called the number on file.
Mighty damn suspicious that he has had this unit for well over a year..and he is just now telling you about it. Oh..but YOU "forgot." Did you really forget or is he gaslighting you? And..ok...he forgot to tell you when he got it..and every single month that he made that $150 payment? And NOW he is agreeing to a NC email?
And..as you said..he got this unit BEFORE the friend died. You are reaching for straws in hoping they got their paperwork wrong. They didn't. But...that man? The one who lied and cheated for 5 years? Him? He.is.lying.
Forget his words. Watch his actions. Be firm with your requirements and boundaries.
Im afraid he will have already cleared out that unit and you will never know what was really in it. I hope you don't regret insisting on him taking you there right that minute.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Do not help him write the NC letter. Its his A and his letter. I agree give him 24 hts to do it. It takes 5 min to write a few sentences saying they were wrong, he loves you, and not to contact him.
You must insist he give you permission to access detail records of his cell, via the online account password. This must be nonnegotionable. Ifhe blaks, then he is still in contact and has no intemrion of stolping.
Id still be very wary of him cake eating, keeping the A going while he tests the waters to see if the marriage becomes better.
The focus should be on you and the marriage, not him.
Id still insist on seeing the unit and the full records.
Food for thought.
(Did I miss this? HOW has he been paying for it? )
Here's how the convo should go:
Him: I'm so concerned about how to address my issues and help you heal at the same time.
You: Yea, I *get* that. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.
Him: I totally understand why I need to write an NC message.
You: Wonderful. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.
Him: I'll write that NC message.
You: Awesome. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.
Him: I'm going to "get right with god."
You: Glad to hear it because you need to. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.
Him: (opening his mouth to waste some more oxygen)
You: (don't notice because you are sitting in the car waiting on him)
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You: Awesome. Now get in the car and let's go have a look inside that unit.
Funny, but oh so true!
You hit the nail on the head sister.
I have to agree with you, and N_G.
Dying listen to these women. They have walked a path similar to yours with not so pretty outcomes. Learn from them.