I too had a very slippery WS (now XH) and I never got any answers. I can see him refusing and then removing the damaging evidence and taking you there at a later date only to show you something seemingly innocent.
I'm also one who opts to beg for forgiveness rather than ask for permission in these types of situations. I don't know what the laws are in your state. But I would think that since you are still married, you have a "right" to the storage unit and it's contents.
You'll really kick yourself if you confront him and he acts like a jerk by refusing to open the unit.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
This is *not* good.
What are the odds that if you confront him he will be honest? Zero right? You will just give him time to move whatever he is hiding, arrange to take you there in three or four days ("we're short staffed at work honey") and then make you feel guilty for not trusting him. He works 24 hour shifts an hour away, he has a lot of leeway.
What are the odds that if you get to this storage unit that you will really get in legal trouble? Yes I know it's technically illegal but I just don't think the DA is going to prosecute you for it. Anyway, you are married. Realistically, what percentage would you give it of happening? 1% maybe? Get into that storage unit.
Hire a sitter. Go on craigslist. Find a college student. Explain you are a sahm who needs an occassional break for errands. Check her references.
Or, if there is a mom you feel very safe confiding in, just ask if she can please watch your children as something personal has come up and you really need the afternoon to get something done. For all she knows you're off to get an abortion.
There are decent people out there who will help you but you have to be resourceful and do not kid yourself. Do not go into denial. Get on top of this.
There are many possibilities of what could be in it. My first thought is that he bought something major and is hiding assets from you as he plans for divorce. If this is the case, he could easily refuse to open the unit and then move and hide the items so that you will never know what he was up to. You have an opportunity to find out what it is, but not if he discovers that you know about the unit beforehand. If he had nothing to hide, then why hide this?
I would definitely bring bolt cutters and a new lock with you when you go. I would leave a note inside the locking hasp after you inspected the contents that says something like "Busted. Call your wife ASAP." A camera would come in handy to document anything you find in case he is hiding assets.
D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.
This will be a real good test to see how serious he is about R.
If you ask him first, I can almost guarantee you that you will never see the inside of that unit.
Just my 2 cents. This would make me insane if I knew this. Hell I about lost my mind when I found out my H had a PO box. But a whole storage unit????
As mentioned..he has gone to a lot of trouble to hide this. There is NO innocent possibility here. If it was work related..or family related..which you have said there's no chance of that..then this wouldn't be a secret storage unit.
I know it's scary. But you have got to see what is in there before he cleans it out.
It could be things for OW...it could be he is hiding assets because he is planning to leave..it could be filled with crap similar to that in NatureGirl's garage. It could be anything...but it certainly isn't *nothing.*
If it were me, I'd grab his keys in the middle of the night and drive there. I would have to know what was going on in my marriage. I would need to know if I needed to take steps to protect myself and my children.
Also..you need to be prepared for him to refuse to allow you to see what's in that unit. If he does that..you have some very tough decisions to make.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It isn't the owner of the storage unit pressing charged-it's the facility. And some big box storage giants take their job seriously.
Address this in therapy. I agree that you need to find out what's in it. He may claim he rented it for a friend-try to find a payment trail. If there is a friend, the friend may be paying the bill.
Keys-before you confront him check his keys. I keep one of my keys in my car, not on my key ring. So look around for a key to a lock. Make a duplicate. If you can't find one don't worry to much about it.
My scenario would go with asking him to meet you at .... XYZ something street, city. at X o'clock. After he gets there tell him to open the unit, if he refuses use your key, if that doesn't work have him instruct the manager to cut the lock.
Have a way for you to get out fast and without him if you can.
He moved out to give you two some space after dday.
He has refused to write a NC letter.
He says he will answer your questions..but seems to stall more than anything..usually saying he'd rather talk about it with a therapist in the room.
He has made this all about him..he confessed..he is sorry...he is broken..he needs understanding..he felt he should move out and did..he refuses a NC letter..it's all about HIM.
I read your posts to see if I could get an idea as to what he may be hiding in this storage unit. Honestly, I think he is planning to divorce you..I think the shit in that unit consists of furniture for a new place, mementos of his affair...and documents he doesn't want you to see.
I also think the affair is still going on. In one of your posts you said he claims the affair ended a year or so ago..yet he was in contact with her a few days prior to dday. This man also led you to believe it was a one year PA..and then you were told it was actually a 5 year EA with a year of sex. Yeah. So, it's established that he is a liar. The truth is, it's probably been a 5 year EA/PA and he has taken it underground.
I still think you need to see what is in that storage shed. I understand you are worried about legal ramifications. If he opens it for you..great. If he refuses..you need to file for a divorce..because he it looks like that is what he is about to do.
I'm just thinking it is probably something secretive and possibly related to his affair, but honestly what could it really be that would be so torried and horrendous?
Many years ago, my aunt's husband, (I refuse to call him my uncle, because in my view, he was a monster), had been having an affair. He was a doctor, and his OW was a nurse in his office.
He started drugging my aunt by telling her to take this or that pill for this or that problem, to the point that she was in a constant fog, and then he would use her confusion to get away with all sorts of lies.
What she did not know was that he was planning on divorcing her, and little by little, he would take things from their home, (things that he wanted, small pieces of furniture, pieces of art, things from the attic, paperwork, etc...) and put them in a STORAGE UNIT in preparation of divorce.
If my aunt found something missing in the house, he would bullshit and gaslight her, and tell her she was a nut case, that she was losing her mind, etc. She began to believe him, and thought she was really going nuts.
She eventually discovered the affair, and had a nervous breakdown, and was hospitalized for a very long time.
I've been off SI for some time, and I don't know your story, but your H may be planning on leaving you, and using the storage unit to buy or store furniture or belongings in preparation of a divorce.
Stay strong sweetie.
1. RARELY does a man ever voluntarily leave the marital home unless it is to continue seeing the OW and have more freedom to do so. I think many on here can attest, that Men Don't Leave (unless there is an OW).
2. He wont write the NC letter. This isn't just selfishness or a power struggle. He wont write it b/c he doesn't want to piss his GF off.
3. He generally just doesn't give a sh*t about your feelings, your recovery or your relationship with him.
4. The nature of the affair being 5 years. That is very long term.
I too am convinced he's either 1) storing things for the OW or 2) storing things in preparation for divorce.
I am so sorry OP. But I think you need to really go hard 180 on him, tell him you are no longer interested in reconciling as he is still lying and is not remorseful. Cut off all communication with him b/c he is not fully remorseful and you are not in reconciliation. See a lawyer right away to discuss your rights, kicking him permanently out of the house, and also the storage unit. I think your best bet in that regard is to locate the key and just go open it while your kids are in school.
Question -- is the storage unit located near where the OW lives or near where your husband works?
Your husband has plenty of opportunity to be continuing this affair based on working an hour away on long shifts. Can you verity he is actually at work all the times he claims he is?
I came across a business card and key code card
Ok, you know the address, and we will assume you have the key card that gets you into the facility, do you have the actual door number? If you bring bolt cutters, I'll tell you is not easy for a grown man to snap even a cheap lock off a door 3' off the ground. Most self storage sell the circular type that are designed to defeat bolt cutters, so it make take a cut-off grinder. In other words, you'd probably need a key.
I like the "find a key" approach. Check his key ring, glove compartment, car side pockets and console, billfold? Think, where would it be.
Is anything missing from the house? How big is the unit? Are we talking a standard walk door for 5 x 10, or a overhead door for 14 x 30?
Again, how is he paying for this? Credit card? How long has he had it. The amount may tell you how big it is, and how long he's had it.
If you go the divorce route, have the attorney request a judge have the unit locked out until you get a look to protect assets.
You need to be careful. Those storage units are usually somewhat isolated, especially if it's in a back area. Do you have a friend you can trust to go with you? Do not tell your WH.
If it has regular pad lock, you can break it. Have a new one in your purse that's an exact copy, and replace it. He'll come to try and open it and wont' be able to because it's a different combo.
I don't know about the key cards, I didn't notice which type of lock you said it has.
At some of those storage units you can't even get past the compound gate without a punch code, which they may not give to you. Call and ask, if that is the case, then YOU rent a small unit just to get the main gate code. Now you have access to the whole lot and can get to WH unit.
You need to do some recon of the place in general.
Would he prosecute or have you arrested if you got into his unit? If he will, then gaslight like a WS. Say he gave you persmission and you have no idea you were doing anything wrong. I normally would NEVER advocate lying to police, but in this case I can't stand the thought of your lying WH having you arrested.
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first marriage had LTA. DDAY was November 2003.
2/2013 Busted him at strip club.
Porous boundaries w/ ho-worker
You cannot reconcile if he is still hiding things!
Im sick to my stomach. I would hate to drive all that way with bolt cutters and not be able to get in.
I like the idea of checking it out first and THEN confronting him to see if he lies.
But keys are needed first.
I have already seen an attorney this week regarding my rights if we head for D, so I will call her to see what she advises. Until we are ready for D, she offered her advice on stuff like this for me, so I'll take her up on it.
I see the therapist tomorrow. But in the meantime Im stuck until I can access his keys. I've searched the garage with no luck, but there are still more boxes of stuff I could go through. Im just pretty sure if he has the keys, they are on his extra set which are always in his car.
To answer a few other posters questions:
The business card and key code card were just the access code to get into the gate. So basically I know which unit # and the code to get into the storage place, but have no idea what kind of lock is on it or how else it is secured.
The location of the unit is very close to his place of work and the OW residence.
I have no idea how long he has had it or how he is paying for it.
We have no art pieces or other valuable furniture or items together that he could be hiding there. Nothing is missing. There are things he needs to put in storage (An old MG he wont sell, old piano) but those are at my mothers home.
I'll still searching the house/garage for more info.
Still sick to my stomach.
So if you can go to the place, and say we lost our keys to the unit can you please cut the lock to let us in? Would this work? I don't really know that's why I ask. I wonder if you can have a man call posing as spouse, and say I'm sending my wife over there, she doesn't have the key/combo, can you cut the lock for her (they do cut the locks when the owners dont' pay) and she will replace it with a new one?
Do not tip your hand. Try to get the key. If you can't cut off the lock.
I would not have cared about the consequences. I would have to have seen what was inside.
He will not voluntarily let you in. He just won't.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
But he and his OW are up to no good.
Sure as the sun rises and sets, these two are using that unit for something. As another suggested, I absolutely would NOT be surprised to hear they've set it up as a cheap bedroom with a lamp and mattress. I've heard of homeless people living in these units all the time, and when sneaks can't afford to pay $80 for a hotel room, wallowing around in a storage unit is a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for a hotel.
Don't be surprised if that's EXACTLY what you find when you open the unit. Maybe she lives at home and they can't meet there. Maybe her kids are there. Maybe she takes care of her mother and mom lives there.
Don't be too quick to discount this as their pitiful little 'love nest.'