file for divorce. if he cares enough to ask why, tell him you are tired of all the secrets. if he still refuses to come clean, use it in the divorce proceedings. judges really hate it when people failed to disclose everything.
just throwing an alternative out there.
OP -- have you verified he is not in contact with her and that the A is over like he claims? I mean, do you have access to his cell phone records online to do this? Email?
Based on the close vicinity of the OW and WW's work, I suspect they are storing things there. Either stuff she just happened to need stored and he is doing the boyfriend thing by helping her, or stuff they are storing for their new home once he finally gets the balls to leave.
Either way, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is devastating.
Another Q I had -- where did you find the card and code? Was it hidden away or somewhere open? B/c I think you said he is not living with you anymore? Was it in his wallet while he was visiting the children, or had he left it at the home?
Definitely play this CLOSE to the vest, OP. Do NOT show your hand until you KNOW what's in that unit. And don't be surprised if your therapist gives you completely opposite advice about how to handle the storage unit. That's almost expected because you read about that all the time here on SI.
You've got 4 pages of advice from people who have LIVED this and have BREATHED this and are STILL living this nightmare even as I type this post. It's worth it's weight in gold.
You are dealing with an EXTREMEMLY selfish man. He confesses to his affair, makes you wait 24 hours for "the conversation" because he's at work, then upon arrival promptly goes into self preservation mode. He's sad about his dad. He's sad about his friend. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. He needs to find out why he does these things. He's sorry, but he doesn't know why. He's going to see an IC, but he's not ready for MC.
He is reluctant to give you the last name of the AP. I know he eventually did, but the hesitation bothers me. Also, why would he think you would "stalk" her? Sounds like projection to me. Be careful. AND he will not write a NC letter. He is protecting the AP. This is all BAD.
Did you ever find out the "why" as to his confession?
Here is my take on that. Since they had a "friendship", others within your "friend" group probably knew about her and what was going on. My bet is someone was about to tell you. You know the old saying, "the spouse is the last to know" ?
I also think there is WAY MORE going on here. He seems to be extra secretive and extra sneaky. If this were just some casual affair as he claims, why not just come clean and get on with it?
If it were me and this was my super sneaky lying WS/now XH, (and I had it to do over) I file for divorce ASAP. I would have the courts seize that storage locker as a hidden asset of the marriage and have the Sheriff go there with a court order to open it up and inventory the whole thing.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I'll play devil's advocate here. why are the contents of the storage unit so important? why isnt the very fact that he is keeping a secret from you the final straw? to me it would just be the pickles on the sandwich that he has served.
In one sense, yes, the fact that the WH is keeping this kind of secret might be a final straw. In another sense, and again I'm speaking from scary experience, what that secret actually is can be critical and life-altering. I can't count all the times people told me not to search through the contents of my garage because it might hurt me, it wouldn't make any difference because we were divorcing, yadda yadda yadda. I am glad I ignored that advice and kept searching. I needed to know what I found out so I could protect myself and my children from him. The weight of all the discoveries is enough to prevent me from ever letting my guard down & thinking that he'll change into a nice person some day. The information I gained helped me during the custody evaluation and gave me a serious position of strength.
I think the OP needs to know if there's just mundane stuff in the storage unit or if there's a head in a jar or kiddie porn. She needs to know.
During a bitter divorce, one or both parties might try to hide marital assets to benefit financially from the breakup and punish their spouse. If you are thinking about hiding assets, take a moment to reflect on what you're considering. Hiding assets is a reckless action. If you get caught -- and the odds are you will -- penalties can run the gamut, from a property settlement that allocates a much greater amount of the marital assets to your soon-to-be ex-spouse, contempt of court or criminal charges for fraud or perjury.
Marital assets are divided in accordance with either a community property or equitable distribution standard, depending on the state. In a community property state, marital assets are split 50/50 between spouses. In an equitable distribution state, the court starts with a presumption that marital assets should be subject to a 50/50 split, but allows parties to introduce evidence that they deserve a bigger share based on various factors, such as their large contribution to marital assets or the lesser earnings prospects of a spouse.
Hiding Marital Assets
Spouses have hidden assets in almost every imaginable way. For example, a spouse can transfer assets to a relative or friend through phony loans, bury cash in the basement, fail to divulge property he owns or launder cash through his business. If you suspect your spouse has hidden assets from you, there are a number of ways to flush them out. An investigator or forensic accountant can thoroughly examine income tax returns, public records and bill statements. Your attorney can submit questions to your spouse, through written interrogatories and oral depositions, in an attempt to find hidden assets. However, as a "The New York Times" article notes, although your suspicions might be justified, it's "what you can prove that counts."
Asset-hiding spouses have been assessed court costs, ordered to pay the legal or private investigator bills of the opposing party, and had prenuptial or postnuptial agreements voided, which can cost the guilty party money. Judges tend to frown upon a spouse who hides assets. In a Washington State case, for example, a husband who repeatedly failed to produce current financial statements so angered the judge that he allocated 90 percent of the marital assets to the wife.
Depending on the laws of your state, if you refuse to disclose assets or information requested by the court, you might be held in contempt of court, a misdemeanor which can result in fines or even jail time. If you lie about your assets in court, you might be charged with perjury for testifying falsely under oath. In California, for example, you can serve up to four years in jail for perjury. You might be charged with fraud, a criminal act, if a prosecutor decides to charge you with deceiving the other party by hiding assets. Penalties include restitution and jail time.
Even if a spouse gets away with hiding assets during a divorce, he is still vulnerable if proof surfaces at a later date, especially since most divorce settlement agreements incorporate a clause requiring full disclosure of assets. But even in a simple agreement without such a disclosure clause, you are not protected if hidden assets are later discovered. The innocent spouse can petition to reopen the divorce settlement, which might result in similar penalties for the asset-hiding spouse had the concealment been discovered during the divorce action. The innocent spouse also could file civil charges against her ex-husband and request monetary and even punitive damages.
Or like NG pointed out, it could be something horrific like a stash of child porn.
And in my case, the court documents for the OW proving paternity to the OC and requesting child support.
I am so glad you found this sight and have knowledgeable people here to shed some light on this for you.
When I read your prior posts, I see you trying to save the marriage. I see him doing nothing to save it. You cannot save the marriage alone. Its like you are doing all the hard work, and he is being babied and coddled and "Worked on". Its kinda eff'ed up and you don't deserve this!
But, it is more than ample space for someone to see in and view the content of the unit.
Look up a map of the facility (check their website). Determine if his unit number is an indoor climate control unit. Then look for pictures of the facilities that might show similar units or what a typical unit looks like. Are you able to see the opening at the top in the pictures?
If so, you have two options to peek in.
1) Bring a small ladder and a flashlight - climb on up and look on in. Bringing a ladder into the unit wont look as weird as you think it will since people are moving things like ladders into storage all of the time. And not all units have staff on hand 24x7, most by me only have them 8am-6pm... check the website for their hours and go there when staff is not there.
2) Duct tape a camera / movie camera to a painters pole or tripod and hold it up to the opening and record away. This method is discreet and fast.
And if the unit is not climate controlled, or does not have the opening at the top you can try this approach - rent a drain inspection camera from your local tool rental and snake it through gaps in the roll door, gaps are typically at the top left and right if you push on the door. It will let you see enough of what's inside to determine if it's a bed, bodies, office equipment, or personal stuff.
Regardless of what's in there, him not telling you about it aught to be a deal breaker in and of itself.
Good luck to you.
He didn't say he wasn't ready for MC, the therapist said he wasn't ready for MC. She advised that he is way too selfish and broken to be of help to our M yet. She was hopeful that once he got back on his meds and seeing her several times a week, that she could get him there. But she also said that was not reason for him to NOT work on helping me heal and she is working on getting him there.
Again, Im not ready to file D unless I know everything. Im just not there. We aren't officially in R because I don't know everything yet. HE says he wants to fix everything and help me and us and work on our M, yadda, yadda, but Im waiting for the action specific to what I requested.
I haven't gotten that yet. Not to my satisfaction.
Keeping this storage unit a secret = BEYOND SUSPICIOUS!!
But what is inside could be nothing or it could be major. I need to know.
He has always been the type to "forget" to tell me things that he thinks I don't need to worry about. He is selfish and only thinks about himself even when what he does affects others. He cant deny that anymore. So part of me wonders if this was one of those times where he did this for a friend (not OW) and "forgot" to tell me because he didn't think I needed to know.
I found the business card and key code in his drawer that he keeps in the kitchen with all of his mail/junk/stuff. I was looking for the gas bill and something told me to just keep looking just to see what I would find. It was clipped with a bunch of other business cards (all innocent enough) like barbers, therapist, dry cleaners, etc. I found the business card but I wasn't suspicious, it was once I saw that the code was with it that made me realize that it was something more.
Which makes me think if it were me I would just hand all this over to a PI and ask him to check it out this way. Then show me the video.
Hang in there.
I am so glad you married A DIFFERENT person. the word "remarry" always trips me up, as I assume it means you REmarry the same person!
Sorry for TJ
I for one understand having to know what's in there, even though yes the fact he even has it is certainly grounds for a dealbreaker. I would have to know.
I think the best course of action is to concentrate on finding and getting that key. This will require you remain stealthy and act oblivious and don't tip your hand. Difficult I know.
If you find that key, then you have two options:
1) create a ruse to take his keys and go there with his keys
2) take his keys and if he notices act like you don't know what he's talking about, then run like the wind down to the storage unit to see what's there before he empties it
He will not let you do #1). If he is going through this much secrecy, he's not going to just hand you his keys for any reason.
That leaves #2). Or #2.5.. ...Which is that if you have rented your own storage unit and have an identical looking key, when you find his key, you can quickly replace his with yours and he's none the wiser until the next time he goes there. And if you do that, then call the storage unit and tell them you lost your key before goes and hides dead bodies in your storage unit.
Why would he have it in his name if he's storing OW stuff? Sneakier to put it in her name if it's her stuff or even his stuff he's hiding from you. That means either #1 her credit is so bad she can't even rent a storage unit or #2 he's hiding something from Everyone
I would also look at his phone numbers and find where he called the storage unit. Look at the numbers right before and after calling the storage unit. That could give a clue if he picked something up from somewhere or something.
One of his long term OW suggested getting it because it was expensive going to hotels all the time. They used it to meet up for sex and also to store all their BDSM paraphernalia. After DDay I went there with him while he cleaned it out. I didn't want to see what was stored there, I could imagine well enough and didn't want actual pictures in my mind. I checked it when it was empty and that was bad enough.
I still trigger when ever we drive past a self storage facility.
I hope for your sake that your WH is just storing something harmless there, but don't believe what he tells you without proof. My SAfWH rented it under his business name and paid for it on the business credit card.. If I had ever found out about it before DDay he would have told me he was storing old business stuff there and I would have believed him. I would never have imagined it was being used for sordid sex encounters, but then I never imagined he would cheat on me, period.
Good luck. I wish you lived near me, I would go there either with you, or for you.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
or if there's a head in a jar or kiddie porn.
That will give you a timeline and possibly method of payment
he needs a billing statement for tax purposes
Oh I really like that! Your CPA needs it ASAP!