He then stopped by to get the dog--we celebrated too soon (legally, he has the dog if he has the kids--bastard)-- and started saying all this shit to me. I don't remember most of it but after the 3rd time of asking me why, I told him it was because he cheated--and locked up my car. I also said I may have been the worst wife in the world, but I didn't cheat. What sticks out in my mind was when he said: "I wish you had cheated because that would have been so much easier. I haven't had a supportive wife for the last 6 years." Really? I was so bad that he didn't have the balls to divorce me??? That we made plans and were supposed to be building our dream house right now??? I shared everything with him and I'm a bad wife???
If anyone has any thoughts on his statement, I'd appreciate it. That one is tripping me up. Surprisingly, I'm ok alone. I do miss the dog, but she'll be back. I'm mildly upset, but not on the ledge. I've emailed my non-communicative attorney, so hopefully, this will get a response out of her.
Along with blame shifting and general ass-hattery.
My other thought is F. T. G. For real.
I'm sure it hurt to hear and you did the right thing by swinging it past us for feedback.
The Arse said in MC that he hadn't been happy since around ds6 was born...which coincides with when he started obvious EA's
Seems to me that WS often decide they're not happy once they get into infidelity and then tell themselves they must have been unhappy and we must be awful spouses. They may indeed have been unhappy, but there were other things they could have done...or they may have become truly unhappy because of their own behaviour and guilt/sublimated disgust at themselves.
I find it hard to believe, however that most BS suddenly become horrible overnight at that very point. It would seem more likely that the WS project how they feel about themselves onto us, and especially their self criticism/hatred - so they look for anything that fulfils their new view of us, and then use that to justify their infidelity.
Yet I am the one that changed - nothing like your husband detaching from you to make you start 'changing'.
Same bullshit they all pull. Nothing to see here. He'll never 'get' it and you'll drive yourself crazy trying.
FTG. He knows what he is and he knows you know it too.
I'm confused. Why did you need to email your attorney about this?
Also when you say "I may have been the worst wife in the world" are you just using that as a figure of speech or do you feel that way?
I don't understand the consensus on this board that EVERY cheating spouse has so many options including just getting a divorce like it's some easy and great thing. The way so many BS's try for reconciliation again and again I think nobody wants a divorce. Yet I'm constantly reading "if he was so unhappy he could have divorced me"
I have to go against the grain here. That's not realistic
You're right - that isn't realistic when you're dealing with Wayward thinking that thy can have their cake and eat it too. That their 'feelings' mean they can set an atom bomb in their spouses and children's lives. That they have a right to expose their trusting spouse and children to STDs. And allow the other traumas of infidelity bestowed upon a usually unsuspecting BS.
Divorce doesn't seem like such a hard option. It is easier because it presents a BS with a terrible situation. A coward will always take the 'easier' option. But I disagree that D isn't realistic.
Today, I'm in IC. My therapist has helped me see what a bully he really is. I do have boundary issues. After 14 years of this assclown, I have trouble drawing lines in the sand and breaking these habits.
As for how long I've had my "issues," Last week, it was two years, this week it is six years. The sticking point for me is the car. Straw that broke this camel's back. Anyway, I have the kids tonight and yes, I'm going to use his travel schedule as leverage.
A little background. My dad died in '06, and since he was an only child I became a caregiver to my grandma--from afar. This included trips to a different city, lots of time on the phone and internet figuring out her situation, making sure she was cared for, etc. His argument is that I died when Grandma died. I don't know if this is true, but I lost my "job" of caring for her. At the exact time we shut down a company that we had ran together. I did the books (but could never do them well enough). So, I lost my second "job." I have trouble with housework, and am a clutterbug. So yeah, I was in a tailspin for a while. Those are part of the M problems that I have to own. Was I there to care for his narcissistic ass? Not all the time. And frankly, I got tired of taking care of him. I don't know how much clearer I could have been with "I'm burned out, please help me clean." Anyway, I wasn't there to see to his every need. We still ha a great sex life. I was still cooking, and I still took care of the kids. Laundry slipped, and well, things just got out of control.
I too have a very hard time keeping my home clean but I am doing a lot better without XH around. Plus I see someone for my ADD now. But that's me.
My question wasn't totally based on you, I have read posts on here (more than one) where one partner was abusive and then the other cheated and there is this "well no matter what you did, you can't cause someone to do anything" which I think is total bs because I don't think abusive relationships count as real relationships in the first place.
But that has nothing to do with you. I don't have kids, and I come from such a crazy background that I simply won't take care for my parents when they're sick or dying etc. I don't know how you balance all that out. It sounds like you didn't have enough support.
Best wishes, maybe it will be easier on your own, as odd as that sounds.
Dealing with Grandma was its own special kind of experience/hell. Today, she would be diagnosed OCD. She was an incredibly intelligent woman, taught me many things, but she wasn't a warm and caring grandma. When you're going through it, it is one thing at a time. It is also like the frog in boiling water analogy. The water temp rises so slowly that the frog doesn't know it is in danger. Things got really bad when I had to take her meds away from her possession because she had been mixing them. Then I had to take her money away because she could no longer see or hear and the whole internet thing befuddled her. There was also a revolving door of people I didn't trust at her assisted living facility, and I was afraid someone would get access to her finances or steal her identity. She was pretty mad when I did that as well. While Grandma wasn't warm and fuzzy, she showed up to every band and choir concert that I was in. When I got my driver's license, she would let me drive her Buick--with her in it. That is the upside of Grandma, but there was a dark side, too. I have no regrets on my decisions about her care. The point of all of this is that I respect your decision to not care for aging relatives. Just make sure that you don't have regrets at the end. This is the advice that I give IRL people who have the same situation. Like deciding to R or D, there is no right answer, and it all depends on your situation.
Now that I've t/j my own thread--I'm just going to let my L handle the big stuff in the D. Really, it is just stuff. What I really want is my kids at least 50% of the time, some equity to get on my feet out of some things, and honestly, just away from him. I read and reflect on my own tagline. Just need to get my bearings and a foot in the door somewhere. Have already started trying to create my own New Beginning, and honestly, that just makes me happy.