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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On the verge of finding my bitch boots
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was a wake up call. I woke up in the middle of a nap with DS in excruciating foot pain. When I got up I couldn't walk. The Snake was getting ready to go stretch with his personal trainer (the gym is a great whore warehouse for him). I stupidly told him I couldn't walk. He said "sounds like you need to go to the ER. But I have to be on a business call so I can't help you guys". Later he "helped" DS get down the stairs when he saw me struggling but ended up half-dragging him and yelling at him for going too slow and making him cry Then he left. No concern for how we would manage. Because his needs were paramount. Fortunately I'm an ER doctor so I knew I didn't need to go to the ER I took some Motrin and improved enough to finish out the day with DS. He's never been THAT bad but I realize it's been years since he's been my KISA. I've had coworkers treat me with more love and concern.

So why the fuck have I been so worried about how he'll feel with the divorce and him having to pay CS and with having to move out? He made this fucking bed I didn't. Not to mention besides being an ass to me and making a mess he is just always yelling at DS who is only 21mos and making him cry and we think it's making his autism spectrum stuff worse or maybe even causing it. And he hardly spends any time with him and ignores him while he works and exercises and cooks. He was helping out when I work every other weekend but only a few hours in the evening (rest covered by nanny) cause he goes to the gym. Now he has started doing Kung fu on Sundays and wants the nanny to cover that too. So basically he barely helps with childcare and when he does care for DS he traumatizes him.

I'm starting to think if I get my default granted in which I put move away privileges I will be the ultimate bitch and take DS back down to SoCal to be with family.

FTG

[This message edited by careerlady at 12:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad you are finding your bitch boots and throwing out the rose-colored glasses! The more "wake up calls" you have, the less "worried" you will be about him as you will see that you need to put YOU first. You CAN do this!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Oct 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!!!
And yes, he is making son worse. We have ABA services here and it makes a world of difference with children and knowing what can trigger an off set is something. I am taking a webinar on ABA tomorrow.
What a fucking jerk off. You son is only a baby... I want to punch him in the throat for you


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So why the fuck have I been so worried about how he'll feel with the divorce and him having to pay CS and with having to move out?

You're REALLY worried about this selfish, child abuser?!!

Several of your posts describe examples of him yelling, berating, ignoring, neglecting, scolding, and "half-dragging" your innocent 21 month old son.

Maybe you have explained it and I missed it, but WHY are you still living with this self absorbed monster?

D in California takes 6 months. I'm assuming that since you've filed default divorce, child abuser has no L. What does YOUR L say is the time frame with default divorce? What happens if child abuser decides to get counsel at the last minute? Then D would take longer?

My dear, you need to get your son away from the toxic environment in which you now live. You know it could be the cause of his autism. You know it is crucial to further development. He's living with a mother who is overwhelmed physically and emotionally and a father who is disinterested and abusive. There is no peace in the home, only tension and resentment. You KNOW what this is doing to him.

Stop trying to "find your bitch boots." Please....put on your Mama Bear coat and protect your baby cub. Talk to your L about removing the Snake from your home NOW.

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 10:59 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
yestopants
♀ Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you find those boots...I have a feeling they will fit and feel awesome.
I understand completely how you feel. sometimes I get really angry with myself. Why is it that I feel bad and don't want to hurt someone, especially when that someone has hurt me, my children and had no consideration for the feelings of others. hmmm ridiculous isn't it?
I'm not sure if I need bitch boots or balls?
sending you strength :)


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 282 | Registered: Dec 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What one2ndchance said.

Times 100.

Unlike many here on SI, it sounds like you have the financial ability to get the hell out of Dodge.

So, then - DO IT!


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 11:32 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21050 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the 2x4s
I talked to my L about getting him removed. The problem is I am submitting my default after one more financial paper next week and the L said it would actually delay everything for my default to file for exclusive use of the home (even though it's MY house!). Once I have a judgement (if accepted might be in the next 2 weeks!) I can give him an eviction notice. It's not easy for me to leave because I am using all my $$$ to pay for everything in the house and the nanny alone, plus if I went to a hotel (no family around) the nanny would be watching DS from a hotel cause I still have to work and he'd be miserable.

Besides, I don't have enough on the Snake to deny him visitation (cause nothing really physical) even if I did move out of my own house and he is hardly around.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK so you have the financial ability to show this ass the door. Do IT!!!!

He is effecting your son at a crucial time developmentally. Seriously his abuse of him may alter his ability to trust men throughout his entire life. I would tell him you would happily increase the Nanny time to keep his sick psychotic ass away from your baby.

Do you have any evidence of this abuse? I would get some, a nannycam may prove more helpful in life than anything. This sick fuck doesn't deserve to spend time with your wonderful beautiful baby boy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He clearly doesn't care or love you or his son. You deserve better treatment and a safe place you call home. Once he's out, you'll wonder why you waited so long. The peace of mind is more precious than gold.

I kicked my ex out and I had no job, no family and I was 3 months pregnant with a 15 month old. You're in a better situation than a lot of people. Start acting!


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 345 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put those boots ON!

If my husband 1/2 dragged my dog up or down the stairs and I heard a whimper, I would kick the ever loving snot out of him. A toddler??? I would probably go to jail.

((Career lady))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if anyone has advice on how he can actually be kicked out though? I was told by the lawyer I can't legally kick him out without a court order. He says he won't go until he is bought out (the house is in my name but bought with community money). So there doesn't appear to be a way to get rid of him. Many of you that have "kicked him out" the reality is they left willingly because legally they could have refused to go like the Snake has.

The abuse is mainly emotional with yelling. I have a nanny cam but he's not doing anything violent (the pulling on him down the stairs wasn't violent either) and I don't know that the yelling gets me anywhere. I even complained at DS's pediatrics appointment in front of him and the pediatrician said "it's not constructive" but that honestly they tell in his house too
So I kind of feel stuck until get my judgement unless someone has an idea I'm not seeing?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that legally you can't kick him out just because you want him gone. I changed the locks on our house when I kicked my stbx out. Packed up a suitcase, took it to his office and said don't come home. Only you can judge how snake would respond if you did that.

Does snake have a lawyer? If he doesn't (and that's why you're filing default), what's to stop him from not accepting the judgement? What's to stop him from getting the judgement, saying he doesn't like it, and then hiring a lawyer to fight you. You could be stuck in that house with him for at least another year, if not longer, especially since your L didn't include exclusive use of the home. (How did that get overlooked?)

Have the 2 of you already worked out some sort of agreement on the finances and custody?

If it's the money from the house that he only wants, is there a way you could get a loan to buy him out, or offer to make payments to him. Of COURSE, these would count as reimbursement ( Watts and Epstein) credits as it is still his responsibility to contribute his share of the expenses of home and child care.

The abuse is mainly emotional with yelling. I have a nanny cam but he's not doing anything violent (the pulling on him down the stairs wasn't violent either)

I say this with concern.....sometimes when we are around something that is VERY WRONG, we become desensitized to the deleterious effect it has. We say to ourselves, "It's not that bad" or "It doesn't happen all the time." or "It could be worse. It isn't PHYSICAL abuse."

You seem like a very nice woman. Your job entails caring for others. You are a healer. You look for the good. But make no mistake...the way snake treats his son IS abusive, and just because there is no proof, doesn't mean it can't be used as an argument to kick him out. Talk to your lawyer again. Explain your fear of how this is affecting your son. Call child protective services. Talk to them about your situation and how this is affecting your son. Talking to your pediatrician isn't enough. He won't do anything.

I know what you're thinking....it isn't THAT bad. And you're worried how snake will react if you pursue this. Stop thinking like that. IT IS BAD.

If you can't find a way to buy him out, use his verbal emotional abuse on your son to get him out.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One2ndchance,

He doesn't have a lawyer. He hasn't done anything. He refuses to work out an agreement on anything. But he would probably get a lawyer if I illegally changed the locks. He has had months to oppose the default. If he fights it I will apply for and get within 30 days the exclusive use of the house. The reason it's not in the judgement is that I did the initial paperwork myself thinking he would respond and didn't include that originally so it can't be added to the petition. However it does list the house as separate property to confirm to me (as well as a plan to pay him back) and his name is not on the deed so I'm thinking if I serve him with eviction papers I should be able to get him out with just that.

I'm not saying it's not bad but it's not bad enough to get sole custody or anything. I have looked into it extensively and found that I can't get him lower than every other weekend visitation unless he does physical harm. CPS doesn't usually even act in cases of violence as I've learned in the ER. I just got them out of my life after a long inquiry where they thought my son's injuries in falling off the bed were due to shaken baby syndrome. I can't afford to call them again, not yet.

The bottom line for all avenues I've pursued is I need to get my judgement first. Anything else would delay everything. And that yelling isn't enough in the eyes of the court. No one that matters cares


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 13

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