I think you know what you want to do.

Lay it all out in MC.

Stay calm, cool.

Make your wife understand that you no longer will accept her lies.

And that you are prepared to show her consequences for her actions.

Sometimes it takes a spouse to lose her marriage, family and friends before they even begin to see the light.

Stay firm and do what is best for you at this time.

She has had every opportunity to come clean and make it better. The longer this has dragged on the more I find out. She still insists everyone is lying and she is being honest.

That sounds a lot like a drug addict, doesn't it? That's the funny thing about the FOG. It has the power to make the wandering spouse think they are brilliant and omnipotent. Really, they think they can convince you that everyone is a liar and she is the only one with the true story and you should believe her.

I chose to treat my wife like she had a drug problem. Ok, one mistake I get it you didn't know what was happening going in. Everyone makes mistakes. If it happens a second time then, she knew better and it's over.

They really will want to continue this way until all their options are exhausted. The tough thing to watch is that nothing or no one matters more than their own selfish needs.

It's REALLY ugly when you think about it.

good luck SS14. Stay strong, you will come through this.

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.

You seem like a good and upstanding person like most of the folks on this board. Keep walking your path and don't divert from it. You are doing what is right for you and your kids.

Maybe your WW will wake up and maybe it won't be too late.

So sorry you're here, experiencing this. I, personally, have little to add except a suggestion that you re-read Bigger's post, again, before the meeting tonight and before the MC. It's brilliant! And it's simple.

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you tonight and hoping that there is a breakthrough of some sort--whatever it is that you need.

First of all her reaction to all this is completely insane really she goes out fuck other men comes. In three days sounds like she's no stranger to this behavior you might find out some infidelity issues in the past that you were not aware about. I wouldn't be surprised. To top it off ... She has a lot of nerve to tell you what she's going to tell you what she's not going to tell you. And she will not and over her passwords or any of that stuff. She made a decision to end the marriage.!!! Right there is your answer your MC appointment is going to a lot of the same bullshit. Sorry buddy

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.

If exercising for another future relationship keeps you motivated, keep at it, just post on here.

I've been through this twice. If I had had SI I wouldn't be here.

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.

1. Offered WW chance at reconciliation and the conditions of reconciliation. I didn't give a damn if she was in some kind of freaking fog. It was up to her to get herself out of the fog-right now. I made it clear that it was a precious gift and she better treat it as such. I told her that if she proves to be good reconcilable material, I too will make a best effort to heal the marriage and do my part to get us through this, but I will never except that the affair was justified or my fault. I need your answer right now. If you need time to makeup your mind-get the hell out. I have a life to live-don't waste my precious time.

2. Total and absolute transparency and disclosure. (You must make it safe for her to do so) All passwords given without hesitation or gripe. We will share everything with each other. We will feel free/safe to talk to each other about anything. We will explore everything. I will not punish her for being truthful, understanding that although the truth may hurt me, and that I may react, it is absolutely necessary for healing and I will ultimately and eventually appreciate it. Don't say anything to your "friends" that you would not feel comfortable saying in front of me. Don't go anywhere or hang with anyone that makes me feel uncomfortable. I will be your safe haven. I will be that first and best friend you can go to and safely talk about anything.

3. NO CONTACT of any kind. No contact with enablers, bad influences, or anyone not a friend of the marriage.

4. Remorse. You can't really request this. They just must have it already.

5. Empathy. She may need help with this. Waywards many times don't fully understand the pain they have caused because...many times they undervalue their own worth to the relationship. Their own poor self-esteem can't fathom that someone loves them that much and could be hurt that badly. Also, they may feel like what they did was no big deal, a victim-less crime just a ONS isolated incident, etc, etc. She must learn to empathize adequately by reading and counseling and listening to what you are going through. If she is unable to empathize then she may have sociopathic tendencies. Empathy is huge. Without it she will struggle, there will be a lack of sensitivity and sincerity and she will continue to hurt you. If she can empathize, then the remorse will set in.

6. She will do her share of the research required to get through this. I have only scratched the surface here on what is required to reconcile.

Bottom line: She must know that YOU WILL WALK. Not because you don't love her anymore, or not enough, but rather because you love her terribly and thus must walk to protect yourself and the family from further harm and terrible pain.

This is the spirit of the 180. You must show that you love yourself and will not tolerate disrespect or abuse. Someone who demonstrates self respect and self confidence is also very attractive. This is a nice side effect of the 180.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:00 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]

Words to cause concern-I met the nicest man on the cruise.