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Trying to figure it out.

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happyman64 posted 4/17/2014 11:58 AM


I think you know what you want to do.

Lay it all out in MC.

Stay calm, cool.

Make your wife understand that you no longer will accept her lies.

And that you are prepared to show her consequences for her actions.

Sometimes it takes a spouse to lose her marriage, family and friends before they even begin to see the light.

Stay firm and do what is best for you at this time.

damaged71 posted 4/17/2014 12:54 PM

She has had every opportunity to come clean and make it better. The longer this has dragged on the more I find out. She still insists everyone is lying and she is being honest.

That sounds a lot like a drug addict, doesn't it? That's the funny thing about the FOG. It has the power to make the wandering spouse think they are brilliant and omnipotent. Really, they think they can convince you that everyone is a liar and she is the only one with the true story and you should believe her.

I chose to treat my wife like she had a drug problem. Ok, one mistake I get it you didn't know what was happening going in. Everyone makes mistakes. If it happens a second time then, she knew better and it's over.

They really will want to continue this way until all their options are exhausted. The tough thing to watch is that nothing or no one matters more than their own selfish needs.

It's REALLY ugly when you think about it.

good luck SS14. Stay strong, you will come through this.

shellshocked14 posted 4/17/2014 15:33 PM

Fresh out of the attorneys office. His advice was to see how mc went and go from there. He was optomistic about shared custody. Maybe the wrong term but half w me half w her. Gave me alot of advice about what to do to prepare. So I will wait it out for a few weeks. Get my cash together. Then I had a text from the pastor. My ww had said no to a sit down tonight and gave some lame excuse. Then she texted me and said she did not want to talk about it anymore. Really talk about what because u haven't talked about a damn thing yet. He texted me back and said we are coming at 7:30. I feel a GOD intervention in my future. Interested to see how this plays out tonight. I see blame headed my way after the ppreacher man leaves tonight. Oh well it will be like every other night for the last 2 months. Let u know tomorrow.

damaged71 posted 4/17/2014 16:11 PM

Another thing if you haven't read it already, in your wife's mind, you are to blame. She will have gone back and re-written the marital history to make herself seem like less of a horrible person. The only way that works is if you shoulder the blame.

You seem like a good and upstanding person like most of the folks on this board. Keep walking your path and don't divert from it. You are doing what is right for you and your kids.

Maybe your WW will wake up and maybe it won't be too late.

RippedSoul posted 4/17/2014 16:29 PM


So sorry you're here, experiencing this. I, personally, have little to add except a suggestion that you re-read Bigger's post, again, before the meeting tonight and before the MC. It's brilliant! And it's simple.

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you tonight and hoping that there is a breakthrough of some sort--whatever it is that you need.

Schadenfreude posted 4/17/2014 16:43 PM

Your lawyer sounds reasonable. Follow his advice, too. He didn't push you towards divorce but suggested finding out what, if anything, MC would do. That's very fair minded since he doesn't get paid for that. That tells me he has your best interests in mind..

kenny55 posted 4/17/2014 17:32 PM

Be careful about meeting with the Minister. I too tried to save my marriage and was encouraged to forgive and move forward. Seven years later, I found out she had started again not more than two months after the "come to Jesus" meeting". GO SLOW on recon

trojan007 posted 4/18/2014 11:17 AM

Buddy I want even touch her. Continue with the 180 keep the conversation short to the point only kids and other responsibilities. And then continue on with what you're doing. "File for D now... Seriously" I mean why would you want to be with someone that is completely showing you absolutely no respect for you, whatsoever and you know for a fact that she's thinking about the OM. she never met this guy until she got on the cruise and she's acting like this... She's got mental issues... I think he brought me down with that anyways. Hey things happen for reason. Maybe you're supposedly someone different in the near future. I tell you what she showed her true colors I wouldn't even think about trying to fix that mess.

First of all her reaction to all this is completely insane really she goes out fuck other men comes. In three days sounds like she's no stranger to this behavior you might find out some infidelity issues in the past that you were not aware about. I wouldn't be surprised. To top it off ... She has a lot of nerve to tell you what she's going to tell you what she's not going to tell you. And she will not and over her passwords or any of that stuff. She made a decision to end the marriage.!!! Right there is your answer your MC appointment is going to a lot of the same bullshit. Sorry buddy

shellshocked14 posted 4/19/2014 08:00 AM

Meeting with the pastor went well right up to the end. She did open up a lot more than I thought she would. Still vague and lying. The pastor of course wants us to work it out at all costs. Toward the end of the meeting She asked if I was still talking to the friend that told me most everything and her husband. I was honest and said yes, She started to rant at me and now I know one of my triggers. Her self righteous BS set me off and I proceeded to tell her that I had tracked down the guy from the hot tub and he confirmed what I had been told. She had made out with him and they were all over each other. She still denied and started attacking him and everyone else like usual. The pastor just sat there quietly because he saw the fury I had in me. The same old argument happened nothing new. He left and she went into full meltdown and started sobbing that she had let me back into her heart and I had broke it again. The victim always and forever. Yesterday I saw her flash drive and scooped it up, when I looked at the files there was one that caught my eye. I opened it and it was screenshots of a FB convo she had w the om when we were out of town at a wedding. We were in the town where he lives when not on the boat. Nothing really obvious or out of line with new info but she is keeping it around to remind her of what she thinks they had together. I am not even going to confront her about it. I will probably take it later and delete the file myself.
Trojan I don't think my had ever cheated before but I do think there is a mental issue going on. The girls from the boat have said they had never in all the years of friendship seen her act this way. They don't want anything to do with her because they think she has lost her mind. I could always be wrong but I would drive myself crazy worrying about it. I have a timeline and barring a divine miracle I will not be able to continue in this sham. I will never get the truth and she has convinced herself that she is and was justified in her actions. Looks like my patience will be my best friend for a couple of months.

shellshocked14 posted 4/21/2014 19:06 PM

First real mc since Dday. Still blaming me for everything until the counselor cut it off. She apologized for whatever it was. Never says the word affair or cheating. Says she still doesn't believe I have changed and this makes her scared to trust me. Oh wait I didn't cheat on her. Funny how it always gets turned back to me. The counselor was seeing what was going on but since this was the 1st time she has seen us together I think she was watching the dynamic between us. There is a very long way to go before I can really consider not D her sorry ass. When I brought up the om and all the little hidden reminders she has of him, FB, screen shots of a FB convo they had, pics she sent to her friend when she cleaned out the phone after Dday. Just in case she ever needed it back says the text to her friend that she doesn't know I have seen. She clamed up. The Dr. pried and got a little out but just a tiny spec. She is holding on to this like a crack head on a pipe. Withholding judgment but not feeling comforted after today. I am not the reason she cheated she is the reason she cheated. The MC had us promise not to rehash or discuss anything new because she is afraid we will regress further. I am tired of it and quiet is fine w me. Time to start saving money and prepping for what looks inevitable. Sure would have been easier if she just left for the om but I guess that's my fault too since I caught her before she completely destroyed our family. My bad again. Going to exercise, need to look fit and trim just in case I need to find a new SO after all this is over. Sorry for the pessimism but the storm clouds are strong today.

jjct posted 4/21/2014 19:32 PM

Dump this bitch.

If exercising for another future relationship keeps you motivated, keep at it, just post on here.

I've been through this twice. If I had had SI I wouldn't be here.

UneasyFeelings posted 4/21/2014 23:07 PM

Dump her and find a new one bro. You don't have time for that.

shellshocked14 posted 4/25/2014 15:45 PM

Still alive still hanging in there. WW started to open up for the 1st time yesterday. We talked about the fight we had before the cruise and she started crying. She said she gave up on me too soon and started really crying. I being the awesome new man I am just held her and let her cry. The guilt is starting to eat at her final defenses. She will break soon I can feel it. I am just being nice and a little stand offish. She still has not earned back any trust so I am not being fooled but want to see what is next. My lawyer is on speed dial and I have the money to retain him put away. Still unsure what or when the next step is but my resolve is there. No more BS, no more chances, just cold and calculated responses to a betrayal that I do not think I can get over. Have a great weekend.

shellshocked14 posted 5/1/2014 17:56 PM

Finally some progress. I had enough when she asked when I would stop snooping and start trusting her. I told her to erase all remnants of the om. Fb, pics , his address in her diary. Then I told her I would give her our whole savings account if she opened the contacts on her phone and he wasn't in there. She hung her head because she knew I was right. She erased all the electronic info and I will make sure the diary info is erased. We have mc next week so I have been making notes and I am laying it down. Trust only starts w full confession. If not I am done. The mind movies are constant and I just don't have it in me anymore. This shit is not for me. If you want to have an affair do it to your next guy because this one is too broken to play house anymore.

RealityBlows posted 5/1/2014 19:59 PM

Wow, Similar experience here. We were 22 years into a pretty damned decent marriage with a wonderful life and kids when all of a sudden WW took a holiday from it all. Great advice here. I closely followed the tenets of this site and so far things are working well. Here is what I did:

1. Offered WW chance at reconciliation and the conditions of reconciliation. I didn't give a damn if she was in some kind of freaking fog. It was up to her to get herself out of the fog-right now. I made it clear that it was a precious gift and she better treat it as such. I told her that if she proves to be good reconcilable material, I too will make a best effort to heal the marriage and do my part to get us through this, but I will never except that the affair was justified or my fault. I need your answer right now. If you need time to makeup your mind-get the hell out. I have a life to live-don't waste my precious time.

2. Total and absolute transparency and disclosure. (You must make it safe for her to do so) All passwords given without hesitation or gripe. We will share everything with each other. We will feel free/safe to talk to each other about anything. We will explore everything. I will not punish her for being truthful, understanding that although the truth may hurt me, and that I may react, it is absolutely necessary for healing and I will ultimately and eventually appreciate it. Don't say anything to your "friends" that you would not feel comfortable saying in front of me. Don't go anywhere or hang with anyone that makes me feel uncomfortable. I will be your safe haven. I will be that first and best friend you can go to and safely talk about anything.

3. NO CONTACT of any kind. No contact with enablers, bad influences, or anyone not a friend of the marriage.

4. Remorse. You can't really request this. They just must have it already.

5. Empathy. She may need help with this. Waywards many times don't fully understand the pain they have caused because...many times they undervalue their own worth to the relationship. Their own poor self-esteem can't fathom that someone loves them that much and could be hurt that badly. Also, they may feel like what they did was no big deal, a victim-less crime just a ONS isolated incident, etc, etc. She must learn to empathize adequately by reading and counseling and listening to what you are going through. If she is unable to empathize then she may have sociopathic tendencies. Empathy is huge. Without it she will struggle, there will be a lack of sensitivity and sincerity and she will continue to hurt you. If she can empathize, then the remorse will set in.

6. She will do her share of the research required to get through this. I have only scratched the surface here on what is required to reconcile.

Bottom line: She must know that YOU WILL WALK. Not because you don't love her anymore, or not enough, but rather because you love her terribly and thus must walk to protect yourself and the family from further harm and terrible pain.

This is the spirit of the 180. You must show that you love yourself and will not tolerate disrespect or abuse. Someone who demonstrates self respect and self confidence is also very attractive. This is a nice side effect of the 180.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:00 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]

shellshocked14 posted 10/29/2014 13:44 PM

5+ months since my last post. The WW and I decided to R. This has been going well for the most part. A few setbacks now and then but nothing big. She still has never admitted anything on her own. She broke down sobbing one day and apologized for everything she had done. Later that night we sat down to talk and I asked her if there was any physical contact with any other men. No way to get around that broad question right? She looked me in the eye and said absolutely not. I still don't believe her but what am I to do. When I talked to the IC she said this would be my burden since my WW would never come clean. Our relationship has been going great and we are moving forward. We had a very honest talk a couple of months ago and she said she was broken and didn't know if she would ever be ok again. I had enough and let her know where the door was and that fence sitting time was long gone. In or out were the 2 options and only 1 would be tolerated. At that point I saw the switch flip and the old wife came back. We are more in tune w each other and we work through issues more constructively. I am still bothered by doubts and i still have mind movies but I have learned to cope w them. I may never fully get over all that has happened bit I am willing to move forward. I do have a 0 tolerance policy for any future indiscretions and she is fully aware that the street will be her home next time. Her friends have all left and she is feeling that pain but you can't expect them to hang around when you blow up everyone's world. Her closest ex friend told me she wishes they would have never gone on that trip . The friend is going on another cruise next year with other ladies and she told them there would be no cheating and that if that was their plan they were not welcome. Have a great week.

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