Alcohol was the common denominator in every bad decision my husband made. Once I pointed out that every time he lost money, got in trouble with military police or higher ups, or slept with a piece of trash, he had been drinking and that he was the epitome of a good husband, soldier, father, and human being when he was not drinking, it really opened up his eyes. Because of that, he rarely drinks and doesn't go out without me.
Drunk or sober, if my husband makes any contact with either OW under any circumstances, I am done. I am so serious about it that my husband does not accept facebook friendships from friends of his who know her, even if she isn't on their friend list (he and the OW are former military so people are always looking him up that may or may not know her). This is not a requirement of mine, it is something he does to keep her from having any avenue into our life. If your husband is calling her, he is deliberately opening up avenues.
If he had broken more than once, I would have walked away. My issue is that he knew how bad I hurt, but yet broke NC anyway and deliberately. I limped through once...but will not again.
I am NOT an OW, but the man I was engaged to married another woman a month before our wedding. My first betrayal.
To be honest I was glad to be rid of him after I got over the shock. We'd broken up countless times in the previous 4 years and he'd been caught cheating once - turns out there were many others I never knew about.
But the man has continued to stalk me for over 40 years! I have NEVER given him one inch of encouragement as I find him repulsive.
Some times it's been 2-3 years and often I've moved across the country but he's managed to track me down.
I feel so sorry for his wife. She's put up with his cheating (not with me ever) for decades now. People that I know that know him say he is a horrible person and husband.
I escaped that bullet.
good luck with what ever you decide to do.
The worst part is the lying. Lies get us here in the first place. Lies, especially relating to the OP, will only send us backwards, and possibly end us. She has not been careful with my heart and my trust. When the WS still feels like they can play by his/her own rules, then it's a major problem. It's one I'm still trying to figure out how deal with. I'm seeing the solution now, for us, is that she needs IC to sort herself out and figure out why she can't help herself and just lies without batting an eye. As you know, you can't live like that as the person that is lied to, and never knows if the words coming out of your most cherished one's mouth will be lies. I'm in a constant state of suspicion, one year out.
He has broken no contact at least 3x's (that i know of) and im at the point where i want to believe him
Logically, why would you believe him? His actions are proof that you can't and deep down I think you know this.
NC is NC. There is contact. What were the consequences if he broke NC? If you don't follow through they consequences are empty threats. Deep down your WH knows this.
Is this really worth investing more of my years
Only you can answer that. IMO, two people can work at anything but they both have to want it and demonstrate they want it by their actions and their words. Not manipulation.
I love him and I want my kids to have a family.
Completely understandable. Think, however, the example you are setting for your children. To tolerate and put up with disrespect at any cost.
A healthy single family environment is better than an unhealthy married family environment.
You deserve honesty, truth and respect. Good luck.
I went through false R for a few months and when I finally realized it, it was like I died inside. I was numb. I would say this: First, if this is a deal breaker (and it would be for many of us) don't let him or you guilt you into staying. Second, if you do decide to give it another shot I would suggest coming up with a firm list of boundaries or demands that must be met in order for you to hold off on divorce. A marriage contract. Print it out, post it up, and refer to it daily. What would the marriage of your dreams look like? Don't settle for less. If it is too much for him, and he complains, you will know he is not rally interested in changing. Even if you take this step, you are not committing to staying married, only to holding off on divorce for a period. I gave it 6 months, and then reevaluated.
I think I would be calling him out more in his disrespect of you and your hard work than the actual contact itself. And for not understanding why you are wanting a divorce now, perhaps it's more because he hasn't shown remorse for trying to contact OW in those five months, hasn't done or changed anything to make it right by you, and refuses to acknowledge how damaging his attempt to contact OW truly was to both you and the M. How can you move past something that he keeps throwing back into your lives over and over?
I truly understand wanting to make things work, but I'm just not seeing his desire for anything other than having you put up with just a little bit more.
D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.